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~ Dealing with change doesn't mean starting over; it's about how you transition from wherever you are right now to the next place.

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Monthly Archives: November 2015

Traditions old and new

30 Monday Nov 2015

Posted by Pat in Traditions

≈ 1 Comment

One of the lovely things about being in a relationship is not just creating memories, but establishing traditions…those things you do that give you a sense of belonging and purpose.  One of my favorite holiday traditions for Kevin and me was personalizing a Christmas ornament every year, trying to capture an entire  year in a word or two.  He was the one who usually came up with the winning words. Last year I forgot about the ornament, but Kevin made sure I still had one, which came from my former sister-in-law Dorothy (that’s how I know Kevin had a hand in it!).  This year I got myself a very simple 2015 ornament to keep the tradition going.

Ornaments

And I started a new Thanksgiving tradition this year.  My sister Theresa and her husband Donald came to visit from the very cold Land of Lakes (Minnesota).  It was 70 here, so we packed that turkey in a Tupperware container, grabbed some bread, wine, cheese, and potato chips, licorice candy, and we headed to the beach. But not just any beach. We went to Cape Charles, on the Chesapeake Bay, where I had released Kevin’s ashes this spring. Not only did Kevin love the Chesapeake, but he loved Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful day for remembering my good life.

Copy of Pat beach (1)

And we still had time for one more new tradition – for Theresa and Donald. They are thinking they want to come here every year for Thanksgiving, since they enjoyed our next adventure just as much, if not more! We took in Busch Gardens’ Christmas Town, which was as lovely as last year (read: my other new tradition!).

Busch Gardens collage

I think traditions are important in helping me remember happy times, so I can evaluate if it is still important, still a part of me that is or just was part of me that was, and whether or not I want to keep or change or put away that part of me.  This weekend was somewhat of a milestone for me – the one year anniversary of Kevin’s passing, the second Thanksgiving without him, and his birthday.  From here on out, they are all “seconds,” another reminder that time marches on.  I am blessed to have so many happy memories from “before” and also being made now for this “next” time of my life.  Soon I hope these pictures of me will have bigger smiles, but trust me, I was starting to feel it!

What are some of your favorite traditions?

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One year has gone by

23 Monday Nov 2015

Posted by Pat in Grief, Transformation

≈ 1 Comment

I don’t have the right words now, and I didn’t have them then. I don’t know what to do now, anymore than I knew what to do then.  A year has not made it any more clear what the future holds, but I’m learning to let go of the need for certainty and open up to the possibilities.  And I know this much is true: the angel on my shoulder, the whisper tickling my ear, the drifting of the leaves, the flicker in the fireplace, the tears I don’t stop, the smiles I can’t stop…everywhere I look, there is evidence you are still here with me.  As the days continue to unfold, I get a little stronger, a little more brave, a little more me again.  I wish moving on was somehow different …well, I know you know what I mean.   You’ve moved on, too, in your way.

 

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Belonging

20 Friday Nov 2015

Posted by Pat in Sabbatical

≈ 1 Comment

Today is my  last day of paid employment for maybe up to a year. Note I didn’t say my last day of “work,” since my sabbatical is intended to be the work of finding myself and moving toward a more fulfilling future.  I have plenty to get done yet today so I’m sure I’ll be at the office all day.

I thought I might feel more excited than I do about the prospects. Instead, I feel slightly hesitant. This will be the first time since 1977 that I have not had work to go to every day. Even when I was on maternity leave, I knew what I was going back to.  And when I freelanced after Gabe was born, I had work lined up for weeks ahead of time. But that time was truly some of the best I ever had. Not only did I make more money working part time than I had full time, but I was working for myself, shopped when the aisles at the grocery store were not crowded, attended daytime school events with the kids, and just spent time being a wife and mother. I knew where I belonged. It was what I had been raised to do, and it fit me. Then.

Now, today, this minute, I’m not sure where I belong. I’m no longer a wife, my kids are grown with children of their own – miles and miles away, and I have nowhere I have to be on any given day, nothing particular I must do.  I expected a feeling of happy release, but instead, I feel alone.

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Hello, Capt. Obvious!

18 Wednesday Nov 2015

Posted by Pat in Uncategorized

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I KNOW I can do the writing thing, and do it well.  This morning I was browsing Pinterest and the online news.  Here are some peeks into what I read:

Want to Reset Your Hormones and Lose Weight?  … Tip 2 – If you are allergic to certain foods, avoid them. …

Leadership Quotes from Hollywood’s Badass Leading Ladies.  Disclaimer, none of these woman actually said these.

6 Ways to Make A Yoga Practice Part of your Already Busy Day.  Tip 6 – Make it a Priority.

At that point, my teakettle was whistling so I stopped reading the fascinating, obvious, fake articles that pass as insightful ways to improve your life.  My story on grief will be of real value, I promise.

 

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The Rules

17 Tuesday Nov 2015

Posted by Pat in Sabbatical

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I was talking to my brother the other day.  I know he was teasing when he made the comment about “now that you have nothing to do…” but I’m sure he was curious about exactly what I would be doing.  And others have hinted at the same thing. They think this sabbatical of mine is just an extended vacation, during which time I’ll laze around in my pj’s, watch soap operas, and eat bon-bons all day.  It’s up to me to not just tell them, but show them, that I am taking this time off seriously, as a way to get clear on how I really want to be spending my time, aligning my values with my calendar.

That will take some self-discipline, which I think all work-from-homers deal with.  Today, for example, you would find me still in my pj’s right now, and it’s 3:36 in the afternoon. But I’m sick, and have been for almost a week now.  The doc says rest, so that is what I am trying to do.  And besides, my sabbatical doesn’t officially start until 5:01 pm on Friday. Today is still paid sick leave, which goes away when I give up my paid job.

So I’m making a few rules for myself – to remind me and the rest of the world, that I am working my plan.  Part of my plan, though, is to rest and recover from a year of high stress, so I will be kind to myself.  With that in mind, here are the rules I’m making:

  1.  I will get dressed every day … right after breakfast, which is what I would do if I had a “real” job.  Unless I’m sick, when maximum comfort prevails.
  2. I will make my bed everyday, which is also what I do now.   Unless I’m sick and sleeping in it.
  3. I will stay in touch with the outside world.  I will go to Toastmasters weekly, and my writing group monthly, at a minimum.  But I won’t get so busy that I forfeit time for myself.
  4. Even though I’ll be on a strict budget, I will splurge and buy only Kleenex brand tissues. Because the store brand had made my nose sore and my fingertips aren’t happy to pull them out of the box.

I  won’t make any more rules until I’m feeling better.  But I think this is a good start.

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Moving Day(s)

14 Saturday Nov 2015

Posted by Pat in Sabbatical

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Last night I started the physical transition piece of my sabbatical.  I emptied two bookcases that were in my Diva Den and hall landing area upstairs, and I slid them down the staircase and shuffled them into place in my home office. I had to take things off the walls and move two bookcases already in the office.  (Read: I like books!)  I have some bare spaces upstairs now, but once I get that gun cabinet chic’d up, it’ll look great up there.  As for the office, I think I’m going to like it as well, but I probably have to get rid of the nice recliner.

Today I went to the other office and packed up six (yes, 6) boxes, and one briefcase with the books and other items I’ve kept there, some wall art, and a few of the colored markers, extra coffee cups, personal toiletries, etc. that accumulated over my time here. I probably have another 2-3 boxes of stuff yet to pack up…files, other desk paraphernalia, food, Kleenex, etc.  It’s odd to think of packing up a 25 year career in a few boxes.  And now I have no wall space at home to hang extra pictures or bulletin boards, so the work of prioritizing begins.  But I’m a saver (not a hoarder) and some day my kids and grandkids will be joyous at finding the special “art work” they have made me over the years, so I save on.

And while I’m transitioning out of one phase of my life to await the discovery of The Next Big Thing, today I also moved in the direction of making new connections in the areas of support and encouragement. I attended the NSA-Virginia meeting here in town and met a soul sister. We had lunch after the meeting and found we have a lot in common.  She is Liz, a Whole-Being Well-Being Whiz, and she helps busy people claim health, wealth, and happiness.  I am excited at the prospect of attending a retreat at her place on the Eastern Shore, to learn about creating a meditation practice and developing some other essential wellness habits.

Good things are happening!

office

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T-10 days

10 Tuesday Nov 2015

Posted by Pat in Sabbatical

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I am excited, and a teensy bit scared, and excited, and anxious, and excited, and oh so ready to start this quest for The Next Thing I’ll do. After the R&R.

Interestingly, today I got a “random” email request from a publishing house asking if I was working on a motivational book and would be willing to talk to the CEO.  Maybe someday, but not today, and not tomorrow, and not for a while yet.

I hope I can stay strong and say No and Yes at the right times…

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Books to Read

08 Sunday Nov 2015

Posted by Pat in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

One of the things I’m looking forward to during my sabbatical is reading.  I’ve got little stacks of books I’ve either gotten at garage sales, or been given by a friend, or found on Amazon. They are in the living room, my bedroom, and even the kitchen counter. Here are just a few of them. Some I’ve actually read before but I want to look at again. If you’ve got a recommendation, I’d like to hear it!  I especially need some good, trashy romance novels to balance out my days!

books to read

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Little girl dreams?

04 Wednesday Nov 2015

Posted by Pat in Dreaming

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Collage My most persistent memory is my dad telling me when I was in the 10th grade that I had to take a shorthand class so I “could get a job and have something to fall back on until I got married.”  I was raised to be a wife and mother, like my own mother and most of the adult women I knew – except my aunt June who was always single and a little bit of a partier.  Yes, those little girls in the pictures are all me!  I must have had my own dreams about what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I can’t really say what they might have been. I know I used to like to play school, but I don’t remember any ambition to be a teacher, for example.  I guess it’s high tide – time to figure out for myself what I want to be.  (Although if I do say so myself, I was very good at shorthand and it served me well for many years – even after I was married…and divorced…and married again.)

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Budgeting 101

02 Monday Nov 2015

Posted by Pat in Budgeting

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The first question I encountered when I considered this sabbatical is how will I afford it? I’m sure it’s what most people think also but they are too polite to ask.  My friend Malori is 9, and she’s not shy.  She directly asked me where I got the money and how much I had.  My response was “I work, and I have enough” and that it was in the bank.  She was relieved to hear that because if I had it in a jar somewhere, a burglar could steal it, and then I might have to move!

Moving is the second question I faced.  I live in a lovely, fairly big house. It’s just under 2500 sq ft, which is more than one person and two dogs need.  But it’s comfortable and I like it. A lot.  I spent a fair amount of time during the early days of grief reclaiming this house as “mine” and not “ours.” That meant painting, for example, and rearranging furniture, taking the dead animals off the walls, and buying candles and plants, among other things.  I could sell it and move to a smaller place, but I’m not sure I’d gain much financially unless I left the area completely.  I have no equity in this house (that’s what moving 9 times in your adult life does to equity). Closing and moving costs would take money out of my pocket probably. And there’s the drama and hassle of moving to consider. Besides the really big question of Where?!? which I have no answer for right now.

Putting together a budget for a year is at best an educated guess, and at least a wild guess.  I’m sure it is harder to stick to it in the early days because the pool is much more full.  Budgeting is, though, really a declaration of one’s values. If you looked at my checkbook register right now, you’d conclude I like to eat (which isn’t necessarily a value of good health); I like books (which does indicate I like learning and entertainment); I buy a fair amount of gasoline because I come and go a lot (which may be a value I place on family and friends); and I indulge myself regularly with things like clothes and massages (read: I value self care).  Making the choices about where to trim and where to cut and where to just leave things alone is my challenge.  Of course, I made a plan before I made my decision to have this time off. Sticking to it will be hard, so I just have to make sure it’s worth it.  Easier said than done. I already found a women’s meditation retreat I want to go to, for the tune of $450 plus gas.  This is where the debate of investment v. expense comes in.  I haven’t signed up yet, but I’m seriously considering it.  I value my mental health more than … what? Movies? Busch Gardens? Eating out? Maybe all of them, if I have to come up with $500.

Budgeting 101.  I’m back to tossing around the idea of downsizing … or sharing my place. Maybe I can join AirBnB and bring in some income. Maybe I can sell something for additional cash (my motorcycle??).  Again, no drama and hassle wanted.  The key will be to discipline myself from the start and not hope to make up spent money down the line.  Which means I’d better go make my lunch for today!

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Categories

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pat@solowingnow.com

Cell 757.359.0251

Whenever I'm awake, but not usually before 9 am or after 9 pm

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