My bushes and trees have large buds. The hyacinth and iris are shooting up out of the ground. I wanted a salad for lunch yesterday, and I dipped my toes in the ocean at the beach. I have been cleaning and airing out and reorganizing. Today’s 71 degrees has me smiling.  Yes, I am ready for spring.

Spring is the time for planting.  It is the time for the ground that has been resting or lying fallow to be nourished and prepared to take an obvious part in the life cycle again.  That describes me.  I think the “winter of my despair” is about over, and I am looking forward to blossoming again as the new me.

I was lucky enough to have my cousin Deb from Minnesota visiting over the weekend. We talked about so many things, but one of our conversations that has stayed with me was – drum roll – the weather!  It was unseasonably warm there on Saturday, but today is was hovering near 0, while here it was in the 60’s on Saturday and hit 71 this afternoon.  She said she didn’t want to go back to the frigid prairie today. And I agreed with no hesitation.  She got on the plane anyway.

It wasn’t just the temperature that got me thinking, but that was part of it, I suppose.  I had this sudden knowing that I am where I am meant to be.  More than the sunshine, I want to be here. In this house, in this neighborhood, in this town.  For the past 15 months or so, I have toyed with the idea of moving.  Because I didn’t have a solid reason for leaving, though, I stayed, but I was wide open to leaving.  Until that conversation.  I am home. I am not just comfortable, I belong.

I have no regrets about my past, but I did start my adult life early, with a pregnancy and marriage at age 18.  Until Kevin passed away, I have never lived alone.  Well, there was that year + when he was in Brookings and I was in Pierre, but it was temporary, and he was with me every weekend, so that doesn’t count in my mind.  This is forever, or at least the foreseeable future.  So many things I never tried, or places I never went, or people I didn’t meet, because I had made other choices that had long-term obligations attached to them.  This time, now, is my time.  While I have my health, adequate disposable income, and plenty of time, yes, this is my time to do whatever I want, wherever I want, with whomever I want.  Bloom where you are planted, goes the saying.  I’ve been planted here for some reason, so I’m going to do my blooming now.  Wherever I am, I am keeping a divine appointment, says the Daily Word meditation.  I am here, so it is meant to be.  What a wonderful time spring is! So full of anticipation, of possibility. I intend to bloom happy as a daisy and pretty as a pink button carnation.

I’m getting quite good at attracting what I want. Yesterday at the beach, Deb wanted a conch shell, and so I asked Kevin to put one where we could find it. I told him I wanted it orange-y, about the size of my fist, and unbroken.  Of course, we found one shortly thereafter. Deb was skeptical, so I then asked Kevin to give us a sand dollar, white, about the size of a silver dollar, and unbroken.  Immediately we came across one. And then a second one. Deb said he was showing off, and the second one broke in her hand!  The moral of the story is, I asked and I received.  Today I am asking for continued abundance in my life: abundant love, abundant energy, abundant friends, abundant health, abundant resources of all kinds.  I am soaking up all I need to blossom and grow and thrive  here.I am ready for more; I’m Solowingnow.  Bring it on.

First, I let the truck go, about two months after he had died.  It wasn’t paid for, and it wasn’t registered in my name.  It was big for me, and I had another vehicle – my car – so I didn’t need this…. this reminder of what we fought over from time to time.  When I talked to a friend about it, she said, “Why are you agonizing over this so much?” I told her it was because it meant so much to Kevin.  Her reply stunned me, “Well, you meant a lot to him also. Would he want you to be this upset over it?”  Of course not.  And so I surrended it (read: voluntary repossession) back to the finance company. I still felt bad, at least I did until traded in my cute convertible on a new Highlander, since I realized I did want something to schlep stuff in.

A couple of weeks later, I started in on the house.  I called Habitat Restore to come get his recliner from the family room so I could think about redecorating.  And I got rid of my matching one as well.  They were nice chairs, still relatively new.  But the style was going to have to change when I got rid of the “man cave” look.  My same friend went shopping with me.  I put most of the rest of his things in his closet.  I kind of miss those comfortable, put-your-feet-up chairs.

It took a few more months before I could clean out his closet.  Luckily, we had separate closets so I didn’t have to look at or smell his clothes every day.  I just kept the doors closed.  At the end of May, about six months after Kevin died, my same friend came to help me pack up the clothes.  Everyone needs this kind of friend.  She even took the bags of clothes to the DAV Thrift Store so I wouldn’t procrastinate and drive around with them in my trunk for a few months.  I still have to get through the hunting clothes, the underwear box, the coats, and the motorcycle gear.

In May I consigned his motorcycle for sale. When it was still on the lot in August, I was about to put it back in the garage, and the very same day I made that decision, I got an offer.  So bye-bye.  I cried when I left it at the dealer.  It hurt to see him go out of my life one piece at time.

The boat had also been consigned, and it took from February until September to sell.  I felt bad that he had only had it in the water one time here.  I contemplated taking a water safety course and trying to use it myself, but that was foolishness. I didn’t even like it all that much when he was in charge!  It’s a small fishing boat, and I always felt vulnerable in it on big water.  I was relieved to hand the keys off to someone else.

Today I took another step.  I had dinner at a new restaurant a bout a year ago.  The owner was in the process of changing the theme from tiki bar to a hunter’s grille.  I asked him then if he might be interested in some dead animals (my term of endearment for Kevin’s mounts).  He said yes and gave me his card, but I lost the card. I guess I wasn’t ready yet.  Last week I went back to the restaurant and saw that he had gotten rid of the thatched roofs over the booths and most of the bamboo was gone, but he was sorely lacking in décor.  I again asked him about the taxidermied trophies I had in the closet.  I had given a bear head to my nephew, and I wasn’t ready to part with the Redlin plates yet, but I did have 2 deer, a turkey fan, a goose, and two ducks, and a spare set of antlers.  This morning he came to the house and bought them all.  It wasn’t as if I won the lottery, but I’ll get a few free meals at a good restaurant and maybe a set of new cushions for the chairs on the back deck.

It’s a little over 14 months since he passed on.  And it’s still a tender moment when I let go of one thing or another, even if whatever it is has been sleeping in a closet all this time. Almost all of these things were very much Kevin’s taste and style, not mine. In fact, I remember my dismay when I first met him and he told he was a hunter. I could not believe I was so open to having dead animals in the house.  But I loved him, so therefore, I never minded.  It’s interesting to me…it was not a compromise at all; it was completely acceptable.

I think Kevin would be proud of the care I gave in passing along his things to people who really wanted them, and only when I felt ready.  Especially the dead animals. He called the small deer here “dog deer,” and I know he’ll be beaming to have people admire the nice Dakota-sized deer and the tasteful way the goose and duck were mounted.  This way I also can still visit them when I go have a free hamburger!  I still have the best part of him, though, my memories.

PS. I still have a few things, like a remote controlled mini helicopter, and a set of golf clubs, and a bicycle…among others. If you are interested, let me know.  :o)