Monthly Archives: April 2016

Flying solo, but not alone

28 Thursday Apr 2016

Posted by in Dreaming, Grief

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A few interesting things have been happening lately, somewhat funny, maybe a little spooky if you’re of that mind. I choose to think that they are just proof of how the world works and who’s in it (it’s not always who you see).

First, I had a flashlight I was taking to the camper last week. It didn’t work , so I threw out the old batteries (set 1) and put in different ones I had on hand  (set 2). They didn’t work either, and I thought they must be old or cheap. I bought new batteries (set 3), which also  didn’t work.  I took those batteries (set 3)  out and again put in the other set (2) thinking that I’ll save what are likely the “good” batteries (set 3) for something else. I put the flashlight in a junk basket by the sink.  Two nights later I was sitting at the kitchen table reading, and the flashlight turned on all by itself. I even heard it “click” on.  It stayed on until I shut it off.  It works fine now.

Then, I had a dream on Tuesday night in which Kevin came to sit on the bed by me. He told me to just rest, to calm down, that everything was going to work out fine and be okay.  Just like I had wished earlier.  He put his arm around me and pulled my head to his chest, right where I used to snuggle up on his shoulder.  It was so real I woke up, but he wasn’t there any longer. It was 3:28 am.  I had been waking up at that time every night for the previous week, but not any longer.

Today, I was sitting at my computer typing in my office. I heard this sudden crash, like something had fallen but not broken. I ventured into the hallway and looked around. The trash can in the powder room had fallen from the back of the commode and the top came off, spilling empty toiler paper rolls around the room.  Both dogs were with me in my office. There is no window in that bathroom, and it’s not located where it is subject to other air circulation. Besides, it’s been rainy all day and the windows in the house are closed.

Just when it seems like I’m at the edge of being overwhelmed, I remind myself that I’m not alone.  And then the Universe proves I am right. Whether you call it God, or Father/ Mother, or something else, what I have learned is that being in alignment with Source requires that I come into alignment with Myself.  This is how it seems to me.  If something feels like it’s just too much to handle, or feels off or wrong, I focus on what I do want, what is right- for me, and what feels good.  Then my experience seems to improve.  It’s a bit of a challenge to remember to remember this (ha!), but it gets easier the more I practice.  I know I ask a lot of Her right now, so I’m also learning how to listen for answers.

I think the flashlight means that if I turn my problems over to Source, they will be handled. The dream means that because I hold Kevin in my heart, he will always be with me. As important as our thoughts are, our feelings are stronger.  As for the trash can, I realized that I was making a bigger deal out of what I was working on than was called for.  It’s not trash, but don’t make this project more complicated than it is.

It’s satisfying to tap into this layer of understanding, and especially to feel that it is right. It doesn’t feel woo-woo or scary or like I’m losing my marbles. My soul is being fed in mysterious ways. And I like it!

5 things to know about starting your own business.

25 Monday Apr 2016

Posted by in New Biz, Sabbatical, Uncategorized

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My new business is taking off, at least in the way of necessary start-up paperwork, like getting the LLC set up, tax ID, bank account, business cards, domain names, etc. I have spent nearly two full days taking care of the details, and I feel like I’m not spending much time at all where I would prefer to.  Which is why I planned this sabbatical – to learn to slow down, to spend time lost in thought, and to smell the roses.  Trying to not get overwhelmed, which seems too easy for me to do these days.  I used to be such a trooper, a regular Wonder Woman when it came to getting things done. People would describe me as energetic, tenacious, driven, spunky, and exuberant.  Now I’d prefer to be called  balanced, calm, patient, aligned, and happy.  I don’t suppose these are opposite ends of the spectrum, but I’d like for the swinging of the pendulum to be more rhythmic than bouncing.

Here is a list of 5 things I’m reminded of lately relating to this endeavor.

1. Done is better than perfect.

I keep hearing this, from different people, so it must have some kernel of  truth in it.  However, there is a corollary to this, one I learned in Miss Heery’s 10th grade typing class: There is never enough time to do it right, but there’s always enough time to do it over.  It seems to me that taking time now to put the big picture in perspective will save precious time down the road, so I won’t rush through things.

2. You don’t have to know it all, you just have to know where to find it (or who to call).

Okay, but I need to understand what I’m signing and why I’m making the decisions I am.  I am not interested in becoming a marketing guru, for example, but I need to understand the proposed strategy so that I can support it -or at least not get in the way.  There are also things I could do but just don’t want to, so I’d rather pay for those services.  Examples are preparing and filing the LLC and EIN paperwork, and getting other legal documents done right. And bookkeeping. Not that I have any dollars to manage right now, but I sure do want expert tax advice when the dough starts rolling in. Enter an accountant.

3.  There is no substitute for experience. Except preparation.

I am reading, learning, researching, conferring with, and getting myself ready.  I can learn from other people’s mistakes and give myself some early wins.  Lots and lots of preparation going on here, to give my experience some shine.

4.  Don’t get too good at something you don’t want to do.

Way back in the day, I was a legal secretary and paralegal. I since climbed that old ladder of success all the way to the top, before I got on another ladder. Now I’m on my third ladder, which is just a little bit wobbly yet. Today I had my first inquiry from a random person on Linked In, asking me about doing some temp work for a few weeks. Interesting! As a legal secretary.  It was good work back then, but not only am I not available, I’m not interested now.  I have to practice saying No.  I have to keep myself available for the work I do want to do.

5.  There are more than five things to know about starting your own business!

But they don’t all have to be known, or done, at once.  The advice I’m getting is: start simple, get complicated later.  A related axiom: You can have it all;  you just can’t have it all at once.  This is where good organizational and time management skills come into serious play.  I’m so glad I returned to my Day-Timer planner system.  Not only can I read everything because it’s on 5×8 paper instead of a 2×4 screen, but I can keep reminders and notes and stickies and flip back and forth to compare dates or … blah-blah-blah.

The energy created by working on this, something will be not just mine but reflective of me, is giving me quite a buzz.  Time flies by, and I’m not tired even when the clock approaches that witching hour.  I get up when the birds start singing and rarely does that seem too early.  It proves that I have done a fine job on this sabbatical of recovering from my exhaustion and restoring my energy. It also goes to show that engaging in a  labor of love generates much more satisfaction than fighting disharmony. The only thing that would make it even better right now is to have someone to share this with, someone I could bounce ideas around with, someone to give me insights, to smile and tell me I’m on the right path and that it will all be okay, and mostly, that he’s got my back.  That would make a huge difference.  And so I’ve named my new business The Duggan Difference.

Bus card

Front and back of new business card

Life’s Highway

20 Wednesday Apr 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Reading, Sabbatical

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Here’s an intriguing thought I’ve been pondering this week: where is my slow switch?!?  I must have one, but apparently it’s not easy to find. I have no doubt that the lane I was in on life’s highway was a passing lane (by default, a fast lane), heading where I didn’t really want to go, but I couldn’t see any exit signs. So I went and went and went, like the Energizer Bunny. Until I just ran out of juice. Today is the  5 month mark since I left my job, and I’m STILL not too good at being fully present in the moment.  I like being active, I like learning, I like puzzles and challenges.  It seems like I’m still making daily choices between “go” or “stop.” Where is my “coasting” gear?

In a backwards way, this week I have tried to coast, with mixed results. camping 1sst timeOn Sunday  I took my camper out on her inaugural trip. I came back home for things I forgot (can opener for the baked beans, and charcoal, among others) on Monday.  Tuesday (yesterday)  I came back for a short conference call for a work assignment I have accepted for next month, and dog food.  Now I am home again for a Go To Meeting this afternoon.  Tomorrow I will pack up and come home. Unless I extend for a few more days.

I definitely have upgraded my thinking for a smoother ride and greater flexibility in avoiding the potholes or construction zones on this Reimagined Life  Highway.( I have taken time to read 4 books in the past 3 days. One was called “Crones Don’t Whine.”)  I am ready to scoot myself back into the flow, only this time I will rely on my personal GPS to get me around. I will take the exits to Reflection and Exploration, and especially to Acceptance. (And the next campground will have a pond or lake or river or something.)  I am sure I will sometimes take the Express Lane and sometimes I will take the scenic routes; if I also take a few detours that will be just fine.  As much as I am able, I will trust that that is where I need to be.  Intellectually, I know that life is full of possibilities and that the world is my oyster, so to speak.  Figuring out what I really want to do and how to do it continues to be a challenge, mostly because I want it all!!

Camping is not the same without Kevin, but nothing is the same without Kevin.

Vaughn learning how to clean fish
Eww! Buddy kissing Kevin

Yet it gives me confidence that if I wanted to, I could take off and do some major traveling in her, and I’d be fine.  Camping used to be our weekend get-away, our chance to let go of the accumulated stress and spend some time together or with family.  Now I don’t have a lifestyle I need to escape, so I’m treating it as a guilty pleasure.  Being able to identify my feelings is another huge accomplishment for me, and being grateful is an especially good feeling to have.

What about you? Are you a fast lane, slow lane, highway or byway, kind of person?  Do you make time for the scenic overlooks now and then?  Or do you need the conditions to be perfect to even begin? I’m learning that reimagining my life is more of a doing thing, trying this and that, and then trying some more .  As Max De Pree said, “You cannot become what you want to be by remaining what you are.”  I still don’t know what that is exactly, but for me,  I’m not waiting to get started finding out.

 

Drinking from a fire hose

16 Saturday Apr 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief, Transformation

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As I have been learning about starting a speaking business, I keep circling back to what my core message is, who my target audience is, and what kind of problem I am trying to solve. And circle I do, round and round and round. I wish I had Kevin here again to steady me and catch me when I get dizzy.

Cory Mosley: Presence Principle

This morning I attended an NSA session on being “credible, likeable, and bankable.”  A lot of good stuff from Cory Mosley on the Presence Principle.  He talked quite a bit about use of social media (Meerkat? Anchor? Blab? Medium??), all of which I know not enough, apparently.  And then he talked about content distribution on personal blogs, radio, 3rd party blogs, tv, published columns, and online video.(What?!? I’m just a one-person shop right now.)  And written testimonials, video testimonials, audio testimonials, and online testimonials. (Yikes! Do I need more equipment?)  Check out corymosley.com.  He’s got some great information, and was worthwhile listening to. I was scribbling notes as fast as I could write.

Harold Wood: speech critique

In the afternoon, our Speaker Academy class had a session with Harold Wood of www.motivationalentertainer.com.  His goal was to help us further develop our message, add some pizazz to our presentations, and become more memorable to our audiences.  He succeeded! My task was to give a 5 minute presentation (yes, only 5 minutes) for him to critique. I did my speech on generating ideas for your bucket list. I used the fact of Kevin’s death as a prompt to think about what your eulogy might offer, and how we take for granted having time to accomplish our bucket list.  My 5 minutes were up before I got half-way through my speech.  On the plus side, I kept my emotions together while talking about Kevin’s premature death.  On the downside, once Harold started telling me what he liked about the speech and how powerful he thought it was (and offering his condolences), I teared up and struggled to regain my composure. In the end, what he had to offer was very useful feedback, and I’m glad I had it all recorded so I could remember what he said in my moments of feeling vulnerable. He urged me to turn my speech into a keynote and to market my catch-phrases.

Brendon Burchard: I liked his words too much!

As soon as I got home tonight, I looked up the availability of my key words. Taken!  In fact, a very well-known author and speaker has used the exact phrases I used in my overall theme.  I can only surmise that someone told me these same words, or I heard them somewhere else, in the early days of my grieving, or when I was thinking of starting my own business several years ago (since he wrote them in 2011).  I’m glad they stuck with me, since they still give me comfort and inspiration now.  They are “live, love, matter” and the author is Brendon Burchard (MillionaireMessenger.com).    But now I can’t use them, at least not the same way I had planned.

Me: still not 100% sure

The bottom line is, participating in this Speakers Academy (nsavirginia.org) has been like drinking from a fire hose every month, and all month long between sessions.  It excites me to consider the possibilities, and I am grateful that the members are so generous with their time and experiences in helping us wannabes get a foot in the door.  I have waffled back and forth  about using my grief experience/transformation as my main topic for development, or sticking in the business lane of court management, which I have done for 25 years.  Either way, a business is a business, and I have much to learn and absorb and explore.  And a mortgage to pay every month.

It seems like the fire hose is always on, full force; there is no out-of-water, roll it up and put it away break.  Every time I go to a class or NSA meeting, I get charged up.  I can’t wait to spend time thinking about it and trying out the ideas.  Before I can get too far, though, it’s time for the next session, and there is so much more to add to the lists I am compiling.

Kevin: you are always on my mind

It’s times like this when I wish Kevin were here, telling me that it will all be okay. I remember when I was working on my ICM Fellows certification, and I was frustrated that my survey results weren’t computing, which meant my research was off kilter. He had no idea what I was talking about, but he patiently listened, and then tried to fix it – which as you might guess, was NOT what I wanted.  But he helped me through it nonetheless. And many other similar “crises” over the years. I guess I am moving out of the wandering-around zone toward my new-life zone now, though, because I can remember these times and they lift me up instead of bringing me down to not have him here by my side…in my world. I am thankful for the time we did have, instead of mourning that the clock stopped.

 

Back to work?

11 Monday Apr 2016

Posted by in Budgeting, Sabbatical, Transformation

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I imagined this sabbatical to last about a year, although I didn’t really have a plan beyond restoring my energy, focus, and emotional balance.  I made a budget, got some books from the library, watched a LOT of tv (mostly Hallmark movies) and played on my computer.  I took walks when the weather was nice.  I slept a LOT. Basically, I vegged out.  And it was good. But …

Yes, there’s always a “but,” isn’t there?  But it turns out I get bored easily.  And I like to spend money.  So I paid for a year-long, once-a-month online course supplemented by occasional live get-togethers and meetings.  In my defense, it is an investment in my new future.  I decided to start my own speaking and consulting business, and I hired a consultant to help me get it off to a good start.  So far, so good!  I’m getting excited about it.  I like starting things, and I’m very good at it.  I am great at organization and planning.  This is my wheelhouse.  But is it my dream? Today, I’m not 100% sure; I hope it’s the antihistamines making me groggy  (see below).

Then there is the travel trailer I bought, and which I have yet to take out of storage and go camping in.  That’s not all bad, though, since it has not been de-winterized, and we had a low of 27 the other night. I’m waiting for better weather, which means warmer days and less thunderstorms and wind.  We’ve had a lot of that. In fact, I’ve had a couple of large branches come down in my back yard, and they are still there. I haven’t had the oompah to get out there and clean it up.But I bought the camper to go places while on this sabbatical, and I haven’t yet gone anywhere in it.

Adding to the slight feeling of uncertainty  is the high pollen count lately and its impact on my allergies. I’m on my second box of Sudafed.  Nose is getting sore, eyes are itchy and twitchy, and my throat is getting froggy. I just want to keep my head on the pillow.  But now I’ve got appointments set up to talk about this new business, and things to do to prepare for the appointments, like work on a business plan, and fill out licensing paperwork, and think up a name and logo and company colors and website design. I find myself procrastinating some. So I’m enlisting help from a focus group made up of friends to give me advice and act as a sounding board.

On the really good side, I do enjoy teaching – or workshopping – more than “speaking.”  I have just agreed to teach 3 classes for my former employer, the National Center for State Courts, in Washington DC next month.  That will ease my transition pressure and get me back in the swing of things. And it buys me time to get the details of a business worked out, since I don’t have that all in place quite yet.

All of this is the long, roundabout way of saying I guess I’m going back to work several months early. But this time, finally, I’m going to be smarter about it.  Having had the freedom of time due to the sabbatical, I know how much I need to have my own kind of schedule, with breaks for creative time in between bursts of “work.”  I know from the budget and a few months of reality the minimum amount of money I need to meet the bills and the financial security I want. Either way it’s scary to not have a safety net of someone else to bring in income, or help with household chores when I’m gone, and support me when I’m afraid or just tired.  Oh, and figuring out if I like myself as a boss!

I plan to keep up this blog, because it is about me and how I’m changing now that I’m flying solo. I know I’m slightly different in subtle ways that maybe only I realize. And I know I have more to think about in that regard.  The temp work will be a way to ease back into the routine and see how I respond. The life examined, and all that.   I’m still working on a book, and maybe I’ll even find a way to make Solowingnow my primary focus.  For now, it will be interesting to watch myself as I both return to the familiar and dip my toes in the new water at the same time. Wish me well!

 

A Friend’s Loss

07 Thursday Apr 2016

Posted by in Grief, Uncategorized

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Today was the funeral for the father of a very good friend of mine.  He fell last week, and there was a quick decline in his condition; he died the next day.  All the planning that goes along with such an event, notifying family and waiting for them to arrive, making decisions, not sleeping, lots of crying…it is all so familiar to me still.  Yet, I do not know what to say to her.  My own father died a little over two years ago, and of course my husband 16 months ago.  You’d think I’d be able to come up with something besides “I’m sorry.”  I offered prayers, asked about how her Mom was doing, and said “I know it’s hard.”  It feels so inadequate.  And I couldn’t be there either; she’s (or I am) a thousand miles away. After everyone goes home, though, that’s when she’ll need to talk about it, I think. I’m planning a trip up her way in June, so will make it a definite stop on the way.

We’re at that age when we are losing parents now.  Or that’s what we expect to happen.  Grandparents leave us first, followed by  aunts and uncles and our own parents, then maybe a friend here or there and older cousins.  We say that if we’re lucky, then we go next, before the spouse, before the kids, and definitely before any grandbabies. And it’s all very sad and numbing in the moment.  But I know people who have suffered the loss of a toddler, or a son whose time was up way too soon, or like me, a spouse in his prime.  It never gets easier, never gets routine, never seems like the right thing. Death seems to raise more questions than it answers. Most of them start with Why?

Yet, we all know that the natural order is birth, life, death.  It can be no other way. There is no guarantee of how long we have, whether our time here will be rags or riches, if we’ll have a legacy to leave behind or not.  So we wonder what the point of it all is.  And try to make sense any way we can, so we can go on until the next time.

Having wandered through this territory recently, I hoped I would have something profound and meaningful to say to my friend…and to others who are still hurting years after their losses.  There are no magic words, though. There is no spoonful of sugar that can make this medicine taste better.  There is no one book that gives directions on how to get through this time quickly or painlessly, or “right.”

The amazing thing about grief is how differently it is experienced by everyone. My father was not her father, and our relationships with those men were different, and we are different, and the rest of our families are made up differently, and on and on and on. But we are two women who both have lost our fathers.  I only met hers maybe once or twice in all the years she and I have known each other. I’m still sad because I know the uncertainty that accompanies us as we wander in the “lost” zone, being in limbo, waiting for it all to be over…which it never really is. We learn to adjust.  And as we start tinkering with the various aspects of what needs adjusting and how we go about that, we reflect on the past and guess at the future; stay connected if we can and at the same time find new connections; discover new options and decide on new directions; all adapting as make it from one hour to the next, one day to the next, one whatever to the next whatever.

My condolences go to the Schmitt and Reller families.  I’ll be remembering all of you in my prayers.

Bows and arrows, and Gibran

04 Monday Apr 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Sabbatical

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“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. … You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.”  Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet.

It’s another beautiful day in Los Angeles today, where I’m staying with my daughter and her family.  Of course, almost all days in LA are beautiful, to a visitor.  Flowers are in bloom, grass and shrubbery are green, the wind is almost non-existent, the sun is bright and warm. I had similar thoughts in Ventura when I was at my son’s. I went to the beach, downtown, exploring the city.  But I’ll guess there are plenty of people who don’t see it quite that way, at least not every day.

For example, I was reminded early this morning what it’s like to be a mother of young children. When I got out of bed at 7:30, my daughter had made breakfast for her girls and done the dishes, gotten dressed, put a load of laundry in the washer, and was on her way out the door to take one to school. Last week I was on Grandma duty, getting a 3 year old ready and taking him to preschool, playing basketball later, fixing dinner, giving a bath. Luckily, I had a list of get-ready tasks! It’s a challenge to stay mindful when there is so much to be responsible for and the clock keeps ticking away.

The memories of my days getting three kiddos ready for school (and/or daycare), making lunches,  and taking off to my own job came back to me in a hurry.  I don’t suppose I gave it a lot of deep thought then.  I just did what I had to do. Sometimes I was relieved just to get to the office so I could stop being on hyper-alert and calm myself down. Evenings were much the same. Drive home in traffic, pick up kids, make supper, do dishes, check homework, tidy up, makes notes for the next day, and fall into bed. I know for certain that I never thought it wasn’t worth it, even when they were teenagers!

I kept that routine up in one fashion or another, with and without husband help, with stepchildren, and with puppies that needed potty-training, and through moving and jobs and school and grief, until I started this sabbatical. It’s amazing that one can go on semi-auto pilot for nearly 40 (!)  years and not realize the full toll. It’s fortunate we get the installment plan, for I don’t think I could have or would have made the same choices I made then if I knew then what I know now.  That lifestyle served me then and I became who I am because of it.  I am ever so grateful now to be who I am today, with an appreciation for the past AND for the present AND for the future yet to be. My sabbatical has given me the space for this.

I am grateful for daughters and sons who now are showing me other ways of parenting and just being in relationship with their siblings and spouses and friends. And I am also grateful that I can show them, and my grandchildren, that life goes on and we keep getting to make choices and change our minds. As  Gibran also said, “You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”  My arrows have gone swift and far.  But my work is not done. I must remember that I am also an arrow of my own parents’ bows. I am still fulfilling Life’s longing for itself through me. My soul also dwells in the house of tomorrow.

It’s good to be reminded and to remember.