Monthly Archives: July 2016

Grief after grief

31 Sunday Jul 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief

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I wrote in my previous post (4 days ago) called Shifting Gears about the declining health of my stepmom, Delores. Yesterday afternoon she slipped away at last and went to get her angel wings.  She was 86.

Last night, I could not get to sleep. It is so very easy to slide down that slippery slope to a pit that is littered with questions like Why Am I Still Here, and Why Them, and What Is The Purpose of Life???  I obsessed for hours.  From near-Acceptance of my new station in life, I tumbled backward to sadness, to confusion, to frustration, and smack into anger. I don’t get it. I. Just. Do. Not. Get. It.  What the hell is life about? I just served my sentence, just worked my way through the death of my husband. I’m done. Don’t want to do this any more. I can understand why people want to be islands, or at least go to one. Away from anyone who can hurt you again by leaving. I’m building my own wall up around my heart, and I’m getting a large Do Not Disturb sign to wear on my tee-shirt.  I’ve tried to be strong, and now I’m tired of that. But too tired to sleep.

And then I had these thoughts. About my own mother, and about Delores, and what they have taught me. Two women connected to me by my dad. They probably could have been friends at another time under other circumstances.  They were different, but they also had things in common, and not just Dad.

I know they must have had their own purposes in living, but this is what I took away from my late-night analysis.  My parents divorced in 1976, when I was 17. My mother never remarried. I rather thought she played a victim role a little too well, and I found it hard to relate to that.  Admittedly, she had other things going on in her life from time to time, things that weren’t easy, like getting cancer in 1978, which she survived. But then I got divorced.  My mom died years later, in 2002, at the age of 70, a few months after I got remarried (which was 11 years after my divorce). I compared my life to hers now and again, and I understood her a little better. When Kevin died, I gave a lot of attention to the fact that my parents lost a baby boy at 2 months old, and how that must have affected both of them, although they never talked about it.  She wasn’t around to talk about death and grief either, when Kevin died.

Delores was a widow when she married Dad. Her husband Melvin had died suddenly of a heart attack at about 50 years of age. It was around 4 years later she married my dad, who had 5 children, all teenagers or younger. Her one son was 10 years old than I was. I couldn’t relate to her much either, although I made friends with her. I mostly though of her as Dad’s Wife. And then I remarried, to a man with 3 children.  I took a lot of my Stepmother cues from Delores, because I didn’t know how else to be one. I don’t think I was as graceful as she was, but in my defense, my son was still in high school and Kevin’s son lived with us.  Anyway, when Kevin died, I gained an awareness of Delores’s life as a widow before my dad, and again after my dad died, which was 10 months before Kevin.  Suddenly, we had much more in common to talk about.

These two women.  70 and 86. How would I know that they would both teach me so much at different times about life and death, about marriage and divorce and widowhood, about family and friends, about grief, about time and that proverbial “dash between the dates.”  It seems like every time I think I’m okay, back on my feet, strong again, ready to move on, I get a nudge that pushes me just far back enough to make sure I don’t forget or get complacent about the meaning of my life and the time I have left.  I wonder about my own influencing, and not knowing for sure who or when I am impacting, I am reminded to be kind and gentle more often. To not take work (or myself) too seriously.  To take the extra days and miles to see the friends and family you almost would rather catch next time if you could. To eat ice cream whenever I feel like it, and to go to bed early if I feel like it.

It doesn’t make any sense at all for there not to be some kind of master plan. There has to be.  And not knowing what it is, I just have to keep trying, to seek the possibilities, to do big things, to play and learn and dream.  I would go crazy if I didn’t believe this. Especially today. I would like to believe Mom and Delores are friends now, and that they will together keep an eye on me, keep me upright, and keep me going.

 

 

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Shifting gears

26 Tuesday Jul 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief, New Biz, Sabbatical

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You may have noticed that my twice-a-week blog posts are down to once a week, more or less.  My plan is to get on a stable schedule that gives me the flexibility of posting to my business site once a week also.  My sabbatical is not over yet, I don’t think… but it’s clear that my world is turning and the shifting gears keep me in motion quite a bit.

Bad news

There has been a little personal drama in the past week that has set me back just a bit.  My stepmother, the last link to a parent in our family, is in declining health. She fell back in early June and fractured her hip.  She had a partial replacement, but within days fell again and had to have it reset. Then she fell again and got a brace as a result. And the next time after that, she broke her nose. It’s not just the physical healing she is dealing with; it’s the after-effects of the anesthesia each time that continue to be problematic for her. She is 86 and she hasn’t been as able to get back on her feet (no pun intended) as if she was 76 or 66.  She has now been showing signs of her body shutting down, and Hospice care has been arranged. It has us all wondering if she is giving up, as we know she has been lonely and unhappy for a while since my dad died a bit over 2 years ago.  So prayers for her to be comfortable and have her pain managed during this last transition phase are asked for.

Delores

When I got the message two days ago that she was “not good,” I felt myself start to crumble.  I think I even got a little angry that she may be making a choice to give up, which was an option that Kevin didn’t have -or if he did, I didn’t recognize. That then got me to wondering if we all have this choice, and assuming we do, why anyone else thinks they have the right to insist we make the choice to stay here on this earth at this time. How very arrogant of us. So I quickly offered up a prayer for forgiveness for when I have done that.

I also got sad because she is one that keeps me still connected to my dad. When I have to let go of her, things change again even in subtle ways. Then I will be truly orphaned. Even at my age of 58 now, that just seems too much to think about.  And I know I’ve started my grieving already, although she is still here. Why is it so hard to remember that she will still be with me? Grief sure does make you think!!

There’s been a lot of death lately – Mary Jo’s dog, Rosanne’s nephew, Lorie’s dad, that I can’t help but be reminded how temporary life is.  And that thought has me impatient to make up for lost time – all the things I haven’t done yet, the places I want to go, the books I want to read.  Now I have fleeting thoughts that I should stay on my sabbatical forever (which would now likely be termed retirement).

Good work

But it’s the work I’m now starting to do that has me meeting new people and keeping me stimulated. This week already I have gone for ice cream with a new neighbor, and had lunch with a new friend Karen. Sunday I went to a meeting and got to know 6 fellow Toastmasters better as we start a year of being officers for our club together.  I went to lunch in Richmond last week with Karine to the eWomen’s Network gathering, where we both met new people – like us, women engaged in business, who want to make a difference, who are helping each other figure out the things we need to know and do. Next week I’ll be speaking at a luncheon of the Solopreneur Success Circle.  No, I’m not just keeping myself busy so I don’t have to think.  I recognize that this is my time, this is what I do to keep being me.  I’m having my kind of fun.  And yes, I know there are other kinds of fun to be had,  but for me, for now, this is pretty great.

My path

So even though the world keeps turning and I’m shifting gears along with it, I step back now and then to appreciate what I have had, what I do have, the people I’ve known and will know, the path I have been on that has lead me here and wherever I’m going. I know that Kevin and Delores have done their parts along the way, and I thank them. It’s not always easy stepping back into an active grief when you think you’re moving on, but in the Big Picture of Life, I have been so fortunate.  Even Delores’ failing health now has me exploring my thoughts and beliefs again about the meaning of life and death.  I guess I need to be reminded every now and then.  We all do, so we can make the most of what we have left, whatever that is.   Rest in comfort, Delores, until it is your time to go on to The Next Place.

 

Dogs are a girl’s best friend

21 Thursday Jul 2016

Posted by in Uncategorized

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My cousin Mary Jo just let her Lucy go over the Rainbow Bridge.  Another friend Shawna saw her dog take the same trip.  And yet another just found out his dog, whose health has been precarious, is in steady decline and has developed a strong heart murmur.  It’s so sad to hear all of this, partly (or maybe especially) because I have two of these furry loves, and one has been closer to this path at times than I want to think about.

We got Buddy when my youngest son Gabriel went off to college.  It was several months later, and I apparently had a strong need to nurture that Kevin thought would best be filled by a puppy. It was truly love at first sight, and 12 years later, there is still a special connection between me and my Bud.

Baby Buddy
Buddy after surgery
Baby Bo
Bo and Buddy
With Daddy
We’ll miss Buddy!
Bo likes the stairs
Bo-Bo
The Budster

We got Buddy a brother two years later because he was exhausting us, and we thought a playmate would help him release his energy.  It turns out that beagles never lose their energy, no matter what!!  While Buddy has required a few thousand dollars in medical care and medications, Bo is the poster-pup for the perfect beagle.  Maybe it’s because Buddy really has needed me that I am so very fond of him.  And yes, Bo has his special moments, too. Bo is the cuddler in bed, the one who sticks his head under my hand to get me to scratch his head, and the one who naps right next to my leg. Buddy is the dog at my feet while I’m working, the one standing guard when I go to the bathroom, and the one who can’t help himself but get underfoot when I’m cooking in case I accidentally-on-purpose drop something to nibble on.

I’ve thought I was close to The Big Decision for Buddy a few times since Kevin died. Once when he was a puppy we did almost lose him to a reaction to a vaccination where he spent the night in the Vet’s ER trying to get a 105 temp to break.  So I know what being “this close” looks like.

It’s a hassle sometimes to have to make doggie-care arrangements when I go out of town for work.  And of course, there is a financial cost to that, too.  There’s the other money required also – for food, treats, vet bills, Rx, shots, tags, and and and. But when I walk in the door and they are so happy to see me they almost pee themselves, it’s all worth it. Every time, every dime.

I knew when I got them I could expect to have them with me somewhere around 12-15 years.  Every time I hear of someone else’s furry child leaving this Earth, I do a little grieving for my dogs who are still here with me, hoping they are not on borrowed time yet.  I hurt for you and for me.  And I love mine a little more, giving extra treats today, and extra petting. Grief is still grief, no matter who or what you lost.

Feel free to share a picture of your furry kids. I’d love to see them.  I’ll even show them to Buddy and Bo.

An interview with me

14 Thursday Jul 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief, Transformation

≈ 1 Comment

I don’t think I have ever posted twice on the same day, but this just came out today and am excited to share it with you. Check her website www.yvonneortega.net.  She is an author of three books.  She knows all about moving From Broken to Beautiful.  Here is her interview of me about my past year and a half as a new widow:  http://yvonneortega.net/patricia-duggan-moving-forward-in-widowhood/#comment-1759.

How much do you trust your GPS?

14 Thursday Jul 2016

Posted by in Traditions, Transformation

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Last weekend I went to Pittsburgh for a conference.  I checked MapQuest and was prepared for a road trip of between 335 and 374 miles and 6 hours of drive time, depending on the traffic and the route selected. When I set my GPS (who I call Gypsy), she gave me options of 377 and 380 miles.  Off we went.  She always gets me where I want to go, although sometimes I have to wonder at her logic and what she knows that I don’t know. This turned out to be one of those times I seriously argued with her!

We (me and Gypsy) had gone the first 20 miles when she told me that there was “stop and go traffic ahead.” I could visually verify that; red taillights in abundance and traffic was nearly stopped.  She asked if I wanted to reroute around the traffic, and I said yes.  Big mistake.  She apparently thought I meant take a different route entirely, because we never did get back on that interstate.  I was enjoying the scenic detour through most of Virginia and was okay with skirting Washington DC.  But then I found myself driving IN the mountains of West Virginia, sideways to where I thought I should be.  I ended up on a National Historic Scenic Highway or something, which was interesting, but my trip ended up taking 9 hours and covered 408 miles, at about 35-40 mph!  Which wouldn’t have been all bad if I had gotten to my destination.  Instead, I was somewhere in Pittsburgh but not downtown where I wanted to be. After a few tries at deleting my destination and resetting it, and one phone-a-friend call, I got out my phone and had Google take me the last 15 miles.  Admittedly, I never ran into any road construction or slow downs after the very first one, but Jeez, Louise!

On the return trip, I dubiously set my Gypsy again, and verified the route.  It took me the reverse way I thought I would have taken on the way up, so I was comfortable with that. It  was 380 miles and 6 hours of drive time.

It’s funny that I trust my Gypsy, but not all the way.  Life is like that, too, I guess.  I mostly trust people until they show me they can’t be trusted. I trust some brands and not others, based on my own experience, but occasionally taking someone else’s word for it.  And I start out trusting something, like Gypsy, but then if she takes me somewhere and I think I know better, I will just not follow her directions.  She tries and tries to get me to “make a legal U-turn,” but only until I shut off her guidance.

Why is it so hard to trust – to give up control and just go with the flow? It is interesting to me that right after Kevin died, I seemed to trust everything, but in retrospect I wonder if it was just apathy? My internal GPS didn’t care enough to battle for control. I was too tired to fight the good fight.  But now that I am adjusting to my new life, I find myself arguing with a computer in my car, defiantly not taking an exit she wants sometimes. Is it because I want my life back in my own hands again? Is it because I have now changed and I don’t care what others think – even if the other is a computer? Is it because I value my time more now and don’t want to do this joy ride when it is going to mean less time with my friends? It’s something to ponder.  A road trip with no destination in mind and the purpose of which is clearly to just go where the road takes me is not the same as having an end point and time in mind. I’ll take my motorcycle when I want to wander. My Gypsy is on a time-out for now.

How about you? Do you argue with your GPS? Do you follow it faithfully? Maybe you rely on paper maps? Or do you only go where you have been before? I’d like to hear what you have to say, and to know I’m not the only one….

 

The “feels like” factor

07 Thursday Jul 2016

Posted by in Dreaming

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It seems as if summer in Virginia has arrived.  It’s been the week that I feared when I moved here – hot, humid, sticky, buggy, and accompanied by a fair amount of rain. 90 degrees “feels like” 106.  And it’s only early July. I am very familiar with the feels-like factor because in MN and SD we used to have to account for the wind making things seem much more chilly in winter than the actual temp.  Here it’s the humidity, and now I know what people mean when they talk about the dry heat of Arizona. It’s real!

Plenty of times I have had that feels-like factor creep in, and sometimes not in the best of ways.  Earlier this week, for example, would have been our wedding anniversary.  Last year on July 5, no one (and I mean no one) said “happy anniversary” to me. Of course, he’s gone, so why would they? I talked to a good friend that day, and I thought she would at least mention it and say she was thinking of me, or remembering that day, or something.  Nada.  I was a little put out that no one seemed to remember.  It “felt like” the memory had been dismissed, so that would mean my marriage was dismissed, right?  But last year at this time, there wasn’t much that could have been said by anybody that would have made me feel better. Then this year, this week, I got two Happy Anniversary wishes, one that was public on Facebook.  At first, it felt like salt in the wound, because now I have fully accepted my adjusted life.  But I know they meant well; they were saying that they did remember, and they knew I would be remembering, so they were with me in spirit. And the feels-like factor made a good day better, after I stopped crying.

And so was Kevin…with me in spirit. I was heading out to my car to go to a meeting, and had been dabbing at the tears in the corners of my eyes as I walked out the door.  I was walking down the front steps, and suddenly there was music. I checked to make sure it wasn’t the ice cream truck, but it was springy, new-agey kind of music I had not heard before. It was coming from my purse!  My hands were full, but as soon as I got in the car and turned it on, the Bluetooth kicked in and the music was broadcast on my car radio. music I could not believe it. I am absotively, posilutely certain that Kevin sent me this to let me know he was still with me and remembering our special day.  I wish I could figure out how to play this for you here.  It is uplifting, and floaty, and a little bouncy and sweeping.  It’s a happy sound that you could swing around and around to, arms out wide, in an open field  and be in a Downy fabric softener commercial or something.  Yet, it’s ballroomy and enveloping. It certainly wasn’t his kind of music, but he knew it was clearly my kind of music.

I believe he found this tune and pushed the play button just for me that morning. There is no other explanation for how it came on by itself. There is no other music on this phone, and I had trouble finding it again after it was over. It was a moment that had a feels-like factor of Heaven on Earth. Where else would “Over the Horizon” be?  I have no doubt whatsoever that he is still here, especially when I need him. Grief doesn’t last forever, and love doesn’t die.