Monthly Archives: November 2016

Journaling, again

29 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by in Grief, Reading, Sabbatical, Traditions, Transformation

≈ 4 Comments

I haven’t found much immediate comfort when I am in the act of writing in my journal, but I do love to go back later and read whatever I wrote.  I guess it’s a good thing when you think your own life is kind of interesting!  Today is a day for that – the rereading. A few days ago was the 2nd anniversary of Kevin’s passing, and tomorrow would have been his 57th birthday. I still miss him like crazy.

For about the first year after he died, I kept a journal using the guest book from his memorial service. A blank page, though, is not my style.  I could fill it up (and then some) once I got going, but getting started is the hard part. Like many things we want to do, I suppose.  Some days take up a paragraph but some are several pages, and some days I didn’t write at all, and the rest of the time, I kept a factual record of what happened more so than a record of my feelings.  Still, it is good for me to see how much has changed, in me, in my world…or not.

What works better for me for journaling is a fill-in-the-blank kind of format.  A friend gave me one for recording info about my motorcycle trips, and I had one for camping also. Then I found a “Me” journal, similar in format to the other two.  I used that style for a long time. I didn’t write every day… Ha! I actually have gathered 13 years’ worth in only 2 volumes! It turns out if you write as infrequently as I do, you can do, you can get around 6 years in one book. me-journal  journal-sample

Of course, there have been other kinds of journals I have kept simultaneously, so it’s quite possible I forgot about the Me book and wrote in others.  What I liked about that format is that there was the front page to write on with blanks to fill in, and then the back side was blank, so I could write whatever I wanted.  But something was missing, something that could make it more, although I don’t know what more is.

I love stationery shops and bookstores, so as I wandered through them here and there, I searched for a better one, the exactly right one.  No luck – and this has gone on for years!  I wanted one that would help me be more proactive, keep my momentum up, encourage me, instead of just logging memories.  So I made my own version, following the ME format.  I took out the weather report line, and added in a “one thing I’ll do today” line. Then I took out the news report, and added in “what I’m reading or listening to.”   my-journalI also added a line for “I took care of myself today by…”  Since I did mine in an Excel format, I just printed them off and hole-punched them for my Day-Timer.  A few other tweaks here and there, and I have my own almost-perfect journal, albeit still more fact-laden than poetry and prose.  I still don’t write in it every day, but it is helpful when I’m feeling the blahs and blues, because I know when I go back later, I can usually glean some insights from what was going on and how I got in or out of that particular time.

One of the best values I have gotten from keeping a journal is emptying out my brain to make room for other memories, other feelings. I know when I’m “full,” that is different from “my cup runneth over.” When there is too much hanging on, and I can’t think, or can’t stop crying, or can’t move forward, that’s when I really need to put it down on paper and save it for another time, when I’m better able to honor those feelings and gently put them away.

I don’t know how long I’ll keep these journals. I kept a journal during my divorce from my first husband. I dragged it around with me during a few moves from state to state, but somewhere along the way, I tore it up. I maybe should have had a burning ceremony or something more dramatic, but I didn’t. I just shredded it and put it in the trash.  Some days now I wish I had it so I could remember better what my life was like and how far I have come since then.  I do still have old love letters, but that’s not the same.

This Solowingnow blog also has been my journal for the past year, along with other notes and pages here and there. I find it gives me peace to review these posts and also know how far I have come on this sabbatical, and how much I have learned about blogging. It appears I am consistent in my spurts and voids in my writing patterns. But this one is public, so to be sure, it is selective.  And that is one thing I have definitely learned: that it’s okay to be selective, that I don’t have to remember everything, that I don’t have to share everything.  My life is more peaceful when I choose to let certain things go away, or when I actively dismiss them by hitting the <delete> button.  Proof positive that this is MY life, MY way.

Another year gone, another new year starting.  I wonder what’s in store for me now!!

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4 Days and counting

16 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by in Dreaming, Sabbatical, Transformation

≈ 1 Comment

It’s hard to believe that in 4 more days, my sabbatical will be officially over…according to me.  And since it is my sabbatical, I get to decide!

What this means is that I will now discipline myself to get up every day and go to my home office and “work.”  I have plenty to do in terms of writing, developing content for my new business, building a client base and marketing my services, and all the other and sundry things that support a business.  And I’m ready to do that.

What it doesn’t mean is that I will go out and get a “real job” now. My income won’t change…yet…so I will still subsidize my spending from what’s left of my savings.  Being frugal on the home front isn’t so bad after all. I have actually considered a seasonal retail job, but I do also have plans with the kids for Christmas, so that might be a problem. And I’m not the kind of person who could start a job without making a commitment to give it a good faith go for the long term. So until I have to, I’m not going to consider that route.

When I started this sabbatical, I gave myself some rules, which were based on my own definition of what a (self-sponsored) sabbatical is.  First and foremost, it was to be a time of rest and recovery so I could process my grief in a way that was productive for me. I didn’t know exactly what that would be, but I deal with things on an active level, so this time off wasn’t intended to just be a long nap.  In fact, my rules were basically to get out of bed every day and make the bed so I wouldn’t be tempted to get back in, get dressed before noon each day, and get out of the house in some quasi-social way to be around other people at least once a week.  I’m proud to say I was successful in that.

I also considered my sabbatical to be a time of growth and opportunity, and I pursued that through reading and travel.  It turned out that I also have done quite a bit of formal “learning” through attending workshops, information sessions, and conferences. I studied not only grief and grieving, change and transition, and writing, but I also enrolled in a Speaker Academy and worked on developing my skills as an solopreneur in the business of speaking to make money. My former employer’s request for me to teach some classes became an earlier-than-expected return to the working world, but it has given me a head-start on my Next Big Thing which it turns out is speaking, teaching, coaching, and consulting.  All things considered, that purpose of my sabbatical has also been fulfilled.

The primary goal I had, though, was to sort out all the feelings I had over Kevin’s passing, and to discover and get comfortable with Solowingnow, not as a hobby or business endeavor, but as a way of life.  I’m still not a fan of the word “widow,” and I still don’t consider myself “single.”  I am on my own in a mix of those two worlds, but even if I were to engage in a new romantic relationship, being in this space will have its mark on my identity.

The other day a new friend since I’ve moved to Williamsburg commented to me that she hadn’t known this version of me and liked the changes she was seeing, that I smile a lot more these days, and I am optimistic and positive.  A friend who has known me a very long time also said that she noticed I seem to be the “old Pat” again.  No better testimonial than those as to my acceptance of my new life.  Of course, this assumes I was happy with the “old Pat,” which I am, although it’s also fair to say I am still moving forward and prefer the “new old Pat.”

Making the shift now from Sabbatical As A Time For Me to working from home will require some new rules. After all, one of my goals now is to make enough money to support me and my business, which will mean consistently making sales, creating a support team, and putting some systems in place.  I have devised a “3 month hustle” plan to get me out of the starting block. And I will refine my 1, 2, and 3-year plans as I get those business formalities in place and the foundation solidified. New rules include having a work schedule, following a plan for when I will do the tasks of running a business (such as admin work on Monday and Friday afternoons, 1-a-day marketing, networking at least twice a week for now, reading/learning on Wednesdays, appointment/call days, etc.).

I am also going to shift away from personal email and facebook during my prime working hours (which may well include hours after 5 pm since I find evening work time to be more productive for me than early mornings), using my business email address more consistently, changing my voice mail on the phone to reflect it is a business people have reached, and answering it with professional greeting instead of just “hello.”  And I will track where I spend my time (or not) so I can continue to make progress toward the lifestyle I desire.  After all, if it turns out that I don’t spend any time caring for me, or doing the things I say I want to do, then my lifestyle will not be reflective of how I envision it being. Who wants that? Been there, done that.

This sabbatical year also has been a time for shaking off the intense work structure I had adopted, and while I haven’t been exactly loosey-goosey lately, I have been very flexible with how and when I do things. This includes when I eat breakfast, when I get groceries, when I do housework, how long my lunch-hour is, when I sit at my desk, how many times I walk around the neighborhood, and where I go on spontaneous road trips.  Now I have to get back into a routine, because I know that will serve me and my business goals, but I will be alert to how it impacts my Self and my life. No longer am I aiming for balance, which implies equal time for work and non-work. Now I am after integration of my personal and professional personas, with a lifestyle (including work and how I contribute to my world) that is of my choosing and my making.

I am Solowingnow and more than content with that….more than accepting….certainly not settling.  I am embracing, I am flying, I am feeling momentum build. I feel strong again, I feel prepared, I feel grateful for having been able to live this sabbatical year on my terms. It’s great to be me again, and I’m looking forward to the next best version of me, too.

A PMI Lesson about the Election

09 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by in Grief, Traditions, Transformation

≈ 1 Comment

The Myth of the 5 Stages of Grief

Those 5 stages of grief most of us are familiar with came from Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross about 50 years ago. They were Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. What most people don’t know is that they were framed around the idea of a grief resulting from learning that one was dying, not that someone (or something) had died. The concept was then generically applied to all kinds of grieving, and somewhere, somehow, lost in the translation were other feelings and emotions that also occur during grief.  This list includes

  • shock
  • sadness
  • blame
  • forgetfulness
  • guilt
  • searching
  • isolation
  • disorganization
  • forgiveness
  • confusion
  • hope
  • exhaustion
  • recovery
  • adjustment.

These feelings don’t occur sequentially, and they aren’t all necessary for one to fully grieve. Some of them will ricochet and recur. It doesn’t matter if you are grieving the loss of a person close to you, or an idea or dream you had, or plans in the making. Or a presidential term.

Transition

I have been learning about grieving for the past two years since my husband died.  I also learned about the transition time that occurs after the grievable event.  First there must be a letting go of the past, the person, the dreams, a time when our feelings are right at the surface and seem uncontrollable. Then there is a neutral time when feeling are sorting themselves out, searching for answers, trying on new routines, and re-entering the world.  Finally, there is a new beginning. A time of new patterns that stick, new relationships, new ways of thinking, a new normal.  It is all quite subjective, dependent upon the person and the circumstances. Let’s use this model to consider our election yesterday.

Subjective to Objective: a PMI Lesson

One other valuable lesson I learned is how to move from that place where I was stuck in subjective thinking about Poor Me to being more objective re: my future.  I recalled an old method I used from teaching about how to expand my thinking and calm (if not remove) emotional reactions to the situation…eventually. Not everything is positive or negative, pro or con, good or bad, right or wrong.  A great many things just are. They are interesting, or just worth noticing, without labeling. It helped me be open-minded about my new future and changed my attitude, and it took me several months to get to this stage. It really was a turning point to be able to honor my feeling without being attached to them or justify them.  But I was able to finally move beyond wherever I was stuck to a new place or new way of thinking.  It was active, so I could finally really “let go” and anticipate my recovery.

The way a PMI works is that you take an event, and you make an effort to find the good points (Plus), the bad points (Minus) and the neutral (Interesting) points .. neither good nor bad but still there in the mix. When Kevin died, it was hard, but not impossible, to find any good or Plus points: no pain for him, no fear, no expensive medical heroics, no incapacitation.  The bad or Minus points were more obvious: he was gone, I had no companion for dinner or date for New Year’s Eve, he couldn’t see his grandchildren grow up or take them hunting and fishing, my financial outlook was gouged, dog care and home maintenance became new chores for me.  On the interesting side, a challenging task, I was single for the first time in my adult life, perhaps I took it for granted that marriage is best because I was used to it, or that working for an employer or having dual income sources was safer because I had always done it that way. Two steps forward, one step back …is still forward progress.

In terms of the presidential election, I’ll admit that neither candidate seemed all that worthy to me, but they were the choices we gave ourselves. This is important to remember, since in most grief, the choice of loss is never ours to begin with, and that feeling of loss of control or helplessness is often disabling and frustrating.  On the Plus side, we get to vote in this country, and many more people got involved in the election than in the past.  We saw our first serious woman candidate. And the campaigning is over for now. I haven’t tried too hard to find more on this side. On the Minus side, the campaigning brought out the worst in not only the candidates but in their supporters and opponents.  The billions of dollars spent could have been put to much better use for people in need.  The stock market has plunged already. And the list goes on.   But then there is the Interesting side.  It is interesting that the polls and predictions were so far off.  It is interesting that the president-elect’s own party did not stand behind him publicly, yet he won. It will be interesting to see if he can deliver on his campaign promises. It will be interesting to watch how Congress responds to him. It will be interesting to find out who he selects as advisors and cabinet members, or if his nominees will be approved. It will be interesting to see if there is a sustained engagement by the people at local levels. It will be interesting to see if he can win in 4 more years, or to see who the Democrats will support then.

What Next?

This isn’t over yet. I am glad there will be a time of formal transition in Washington. This is a time when the healing begins, when we watch with curiosity, with speculation, and regain our balance.  During this time we also must take care of ourselves, put away any blame for the way it is or how things got this way, and forgive the process if it didn’t give us what we thought we wanted.  We should try and find a way to help instead of hinder the growth that can come from this. It may feel unnatural to bypass our emotional reactions, but in the best interests of our collective future, we must try.

Finally, I have learned from my introspection during this sabbatical of mine that grief doesn’t have to last forever, and love doesn’t have to die…and I mean love for ideals and dreams as much as for people. The opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference. Care as much tomorrow as you do today about what you say matters to you. If you want change, what are you willing to do to make that happen? If you want tolerance, practice tolerance. If you want a voice, act..with constructive energy. Don’t let this election drama be for naught.