Monthly Archives: May 2016

Taking care of myself

26 Thursday May 2016

Posted by in Budgeting, Gratitude, Transformation

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For quite a while, at least since I left my job last fall for this sabbatical time, I have deprived myself of some relatively small joys.  I am not sure if it’s the money angle, or the feeling that I don’t deserve nice, new things if I’m not working.  I never used to think that my identity was tied up in my day job, but I have to give that more thought now.

I have had some cushions on the chairs on the deck for a few years. They are faded, mismatched, and getting ragged. They sure didn’t inspire me to spend much time outside.  In fact, I had thrown some on the floor so the dogs could use them as beds, and I only kept 2 chairs out. Plus a cute wire bench that was a little out of place.

Anyway, Tuesday I was over at my friend Karine’s house. She has a shady yard like me, and as we walked around, I noticed that she had oodles of plants randomly growing here and there, some of them in need of thinning. She just bought the house last December, so she hasn’t had time to work on the yard, or to even get through a season so she’d know what might pop up. I mentioned to her that I liked her hostas and was planning to get some for my yard. Hers were a different variety than the few I have. She offered for me to dig up some of hers, which I politely declined.  I wanted them, but I felt like she might have interpreted my comment as a somewhat veiled beggar’s request. She practically insisted I take some, and I was glad to finally accept her offer. Thanks, Karine, for your generosity. It’s hard to remember that sometimes you need to accept in order to gift someone with the joy of giving.

An hour later, I had cleared the area by my deck of the leaves I had not raked last fall and successfully transplanted about 7 sets of small hostas.  I even had a bag of mulch in my garage from when Kevin had been doing yard work 2 years ago. A bag I had moved and pushed and rearranged several times in the process of organizing my garage.

The new little plantings spurred me to do something about those cushions so I could enjoy my evening outdoors. I went to Home Depot and Lowes, but each of them wanted $35 for one set, and the colors this season seem to be too muted for my taste. I ended up at WalMart, where I got them for $14 each. And a rug on sale for $44.  For just a hair over $100 and some sweat, I had a refreshed look. That evening I sat outside and watched the stars make an appearance last night, and enjoying the twinkle lights I had put up last year, and in the morning I couldn’t wait to get out there and have my coffee before it got too hot.

It’s true what they say – it’s the little things that count. I’m proud of the “I did it myself” feeling I got from the transplants. And I think to have a First Class Lifestyle, as Karine is all about, I need to give myself the things that make me feel good about myself – proud of my efforts, of my good buy, and of taking care of myself. Instead of sitting out there by myself, maybe I’ll even invite some friends over to enjoy my new old deck with me.

 

Random thoughts today…

23 Monday May 2016

Posted by in Sabbatical, Transformation

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After a week away for my new work, I purposely scheduled today as a “don’t schedule anything” day. And then I made an appointment to drop off paperwork for my client and attended a short-notice coaching-the-coach session. It was late afternoon before I finally got to the miscellany catch-up stuff. Here are some resulting random thoughts.

Online rewards and other accounts and passwords

1. I updated my list of passwords for online accounts, since I had to reset a few while I was gone because hotel fog set in and I couldn’t remember them. Including all the rewards cards I have (for which I have yet to see anything worth keeping up with all of them), I now have 99 accounts for which I need Usernames and Passwords!  I now have 36 different passwords so clearly I use some of the same ones sometimes, but what kills me is when some automatically expire after 90 days and have to be reset, like the banking, and you can’t use one you’ve used in the last X days.

Email accounts

2.  I now have 4 of my own email accounts – and I don’t even have an employer “work” account. What I also don’t have but should is one for all the junk mail, those you get asked for at Ace Hardware or Michael’s, etc.  I really hate to give out my email only to get blitzed daily with special offers, coupons, and reminders.  How fast can you type “unsubscribe”?

MLM

3.  Multi-level-marketing (MLM) appears to still be going strong. I was approached very today about helping build his business by building my own. The interesting thing is that this is backwards to my new philosophy: I help someone before I ask them to help me.  ‘Nuff said; I am declining that offer.

Alarm Clocks

4.  I had to set an alarm every day last week for work. And by 9 pm every night I was ready for beddy-bye.  I got home and did not set my alarm Saturday or Sunday, and it was peaceful to instead wake to raindrops and birdsong.  This morning I wanted to start a new routine, so I set the alarm and decided I would try keeping at least banker’s hours. No go. I hit the snooze a few times, and finally got up well after 8.  And it felt right. I am convinced my natural rhythym is not in sync with early rising, even though I did it for 40 years. I skipped lunch entirely and had an early supper at 5.  This is how life is supposed to be: easy!

TV as computer monitor

5. Since I got rid of cable television a few months ago, I have two unused tv sets. The smaller of the two has about a 32″ screen. It turns out that with an HDMI cable, a 32″ tv make a swell computer monitor!  It’s kind of in my face, but as soon as I get comfortable sitting further back, which gives me more surface space on the desk, I know I’m gonna love it.  Now this is upcycling!  (Truth: it does block a little more of the window, though.)

So what does all this have to do with my life these days? Today is the 1-1/2 year mark since Kevin’s death. It’s taken me this long to regain my confidence and focus on random thoughts – which seems like an oxymoron, but I think it’s not. It wasn’t that long ago that such randomness would have felt like an incurable inability to focus, that I was going to be forever incapable of concentrating. Instead, the fact that I can find themes even in random thoughts is a release of sorts. I am taking bigger and bigger steps on my own, and comfortable doing things my way. Not as a defense mechanism or coping skill, not as a default mode. But with intention, and acceptance of the Me that is. I am not random, and life is not random. Being able to hold a few random thoughts at the same time is a sign of critical thinking and not of freaking out because of the inanity of it all. I’m liking this new old Me.

 

 

My Get-A-Life Tree

21 Saturday May 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Sabbatical, Transformation

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Last year, when I was really stuck in my grief, I kept trying to “see” my way out of the sad,  dark hole I knew I was dangerously close to.  I’ve always been a fan of Vision Boards and I tried to use that as a way to keep the last flicker of hope alight. I tried reading messages of hope by others, but that didn’t work either. I tried making small goals and updated my Bucket List. What I discovered somewhere along the way was that I needed to stop trying to live in the future, and to just enjoy today. After all, “we know not the hour,” as the saying goes. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, as I learned first-hand.

My thinking kept coming back to the idea that I had to get a life…not a new life, but more like getting back to my old life somehow. I started making lists of things I could do if I wanted to do them, like take my motorcycle out and go riding. I also listed things I used to do that I hadn’t done in a while, that I could do again, such as canoeing or kayaking, or bowling or dancing.  Then I made a list of things I might enjoy if I tried them, like solo camping, or sailing.  And then I made a list of things I just knew I didn’t want to do again, like rollerblading!  Just the exercise of making these lists got me interested in life again, and gave me stops on memory lane to enjoy rather than only my time with Kevin and the things we were not longer going to be able to do together.

I never have thought of myself as a creative person, although I have enjoyed doing crafts, and coloring, and visualizing.  One day I found myself with some crayons and paper and my lists.  I had been doing mind-mapping exercises for a work project I was on, and I mapped out these lists.  This is what I came up with.

tree2

For weeks, I would look at that and remember the me I used to be and think about the me I wanted to be.  As you can see, I added a branch for travel, and I organized into categories. I was content to just have the list and know that I could do these things if I wanted.

Days turned into months, and soon I was approaching the one year anniversary of Kevin’s passing, and that was also nearing the time I used to make New Year’s Resolutions. I combined my resolutions and my bucket list with some goals.  It came out like this.

wish list 2016

It wasn’t very pretty, and I didn’t feel inspired.  I tacked it to my bulletin board and let it sit. One day, spring arrived, and I had a new idea.  I had been on my sabbatical and given myself some time to catch up on my sleep and let my body recover from the roller coaster ride it had been on.  I was washing dishes when I fixated on some holiday ornaments that had been overlooked and were on my kitchen windowsill.  They were three Santas, holding signs that said Live, Love, Laugh.  Only I saw Live, Love, Matter.  And I knew what I had to do.

I got back out my paper and colored pens, and this time I drew my future. I took pieces of my various lists and put them into new categories, of how I could know I was living, loving, and mattering.  The new result was this.

tree1

I knew that if I did these things, and thought of them as signposts along the way, I would be able to redesign my life, while at the same time, achieving progress toward my definition of a successful life.

It’s not on the list, but this past week I found myself doing something I hadn’t done in a very long time – pre-Kevin, in fact. I used to go on work trips and find a day before or after whatever event I was attending to explore the area on my own and do a little window shopping. For some reason, once I met Kevin, I denied myself this pleasure; maybe because he wasn’t there to share it with me so I stopped.  But in DC I took the early train instead of the late train, and after checking into the hotel, I caught a trolley and explored Old Town Alexandria and the waterfront. I had a late lunch at Madelaine’s, and I window shopped for a couple of hours. I eventually made my way to a store called Sacred Circle, home of new-thought-type books, tarot card readers, and all things metaphysical. I splurged on a book on Japanese art of decluttering (not feng shui) and an  Oracle card deck to provide me “immediate access” to my Divine Spirit.

I can’t tell you how much joy this little afternoon sojourn brought me. Something I had been carrying around in my head disappeared and I actually felt lighter as I walked along the cobblestoned streets. I stopped in another store to have a manicure and pampered myself. Whatever path I am on was reinforced. All my past drama and stress gave way to light and peace.

My work in DC went exceptionally well after that. I had been resisting returning to my former familiar work environment of courts, but I discovered a new sense of pride in being able to share my experiences and helping others on their way to  becoming the leaders of tomorrow in their courts.

I am grateful that my life has come full circle.  Or rather, has come around on this part of the spiral and has propelled me forward to a renewed future. Kevin, I thank you and my Divine Spirit for this gift.  My card today says it’s time to take charge of my life. You have to love the Spirit’s sense of humor.

rebel

Planes, trains and automobiles

15 Sunday May 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Uncategorized

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What is it about trains?? I love them. It’s Sunday morning, and I’m traveling to D.C. area for work. Let me count the ways.

  1. As long as you are at the train station before the train leaves, you are on time. No getting there an hour early to check in.
  2. You can buy your ticket on Friday to leave on Sunday, or even Sunday morning, and the price is the same as if you bought it a few weeks earlier.
  3. You can take your cup of coffee or unfinished bottle of water with you on the train.
  4. You can take ALL your stuff with you. As long as you can lift your bag(s). No other weight limits, or size limits, or allowances for how many personal items.
  5. You can buy coffee, cookies, donuts, bagels, pizza, burgers, hot dogs, and a menu of other items if you want, on board.
  6. There are only two seats on either side of the aisle. This means you have adequate room in the seat, plus the aisles are wide enough to walk through facing forward.
  7. No seat belt demonstrations. In fact, no seat belts.
  8. Leg room! There is probably a foot of space yet between my knee and the seat back in front of me.
  9. I can get up any time I want and walk around, even between cars.
  10. The windows are large enough to look out of and get a panoramic view. And no one else can shut you off from the view by pulling the shade down.
  11. 230 people don’t stand up at the same time to get off the train.
  12. There are no zones or special red carpets for boarding. First come, first served.
  13. You are trusted. The ticket guy doesn’t come around until you are already on your way, instead of making you juggle things at the door to get on.
  14. You can throw away your trash when you want.
  15. If you buy something to drink, you get the whole can.
  16. If you decide to change seats, you move. Or you can keep your seat and go sit in the club car to eat or read or talk to others or play a game of cards at a table, or just to move around because you feel like it.
  17. You get to see the real country: the back sides of stores and houses, the part of towns you would miss from the highway or the sky.
  18. You can turn around in the restroom, with space to spare.
  19. No turbulence. Just gentle swaying.
  20. Free wi-fi.
  21. I don’t have to drive. Or park.

I love traveling by train. Do you?

The ties that bind

13 Friday May 2016

Posted by in Grief, Traditions

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One of the more difficult realities after a spouse passes away is the level of familial relationships that are retained or maintained or just fall away. It’s not the same as a divorce, where both spouses are still around and often friends or family are pressured to take sides.  But especially in a second marriage, where there was a divorce previously, there are some occasional awkward times that can grow more uncomfortable as times goes on. In my case, there are also miles between us, making it easy for all of us to neglect our relationship.

dfamilywedding

I’ve been through my own divorce, and that of my parents also. So I know something about this.  I was fortunate that in the care of my parents, there were so many other intertwining ties that family events involved many of the same people anyway.  I’d have to say I actually had a good model for how to stay on friendly terms with the rest of the family afPapa Duggan and Laylater the decree. If Kevin and I had divorced, there is no doubt I’d never had a continuing relationship with his kids. We just were never on the same plane.

But a death adds a layer of complexity, especially when the children are his and hers, and are mostly adults already Kids k funeralwhen you get married.  And you live at least a thousand miles away…or a few hundred anyway for about half  of the time, so physical contact is nil.

It’s hard to know what my role is at this juncture – nearly 1-1/2 years later. There is not much contact of any kind between his kids and me, or for that matter, between his brothers and me. I do talk with his Mom about once a month or so.  Now the first one of his kids is getting married.  The uncles and grandma are not planning to attend the wedding. Kevin should be (and would want to be) represented at the wedding, and he will be there in spirit and in the brother and sister and niece and nephew of the bride.  No matter what, I know it won’t be the same for the bride to not have him there.

And I won’t be there either. It’s unfortunate timing that I’ll be near there just two weeks before that for graduations of my niece and nephew.  Yesterday, I was asked if I  would be attending the wedding, and I said I felt like I was really just someone they used to know, since there hasn’t been much communication between us at all.  When that made its way back to the bride, she contacted me and said that although we hadn’t been close, she never thought of me as just her dad’s wife.  She said she thought I was “the most amazing spouse for my dad and now that he’s gone that means more to me than you will ever know. I feel so at peace knowing that he left this world a happy man and we have you to thank for that.” So yeah, I’ve been crying for the past two hours over that. Just when you think you’re about to move on, you find you’re about to step into some quicksand.

So if it’s true what Neale Donald Walsch said in Conversations with God (and I believe it is true), that the only reason to do anything is as an expression of who you are, the question I must ask myself is, do I cut these ties that bind, or do I mend the edges that are frayed?  It’s not about what they will think, or even what I might want them to think of me.  It’s about how do I see myself in this relationship, and how do I express that?  I have offered to meet up with them when I am back for graduations, and at least the bride has accepted. It’s a start.

 

Abundance abounds

09 Monday May 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief, Transformation

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Last week was an incredible (as in amazing, not unbelievable, because I do believe) week in terms of abundance making its way to me. I have been focusing on having a lifestyle full of abundance: abundant health, abundant friends, abundant money and other gifts, abundant love. Let me tell you about three messages I received that validate how not only the Law of Attraction works, but how the world works. I didn’t just manifest these things, I truly believe these are proof that the Universe responds to what we need.

Linda

First, I got a phone call from my friend Linda. We were both court administrators back in the mid-to- late 90’s, in the same judicial district in Minnesota.  I left there in 2000, and she retired not to long after that.  We managed to see each other once during these intervening years, and there has also been the infrequent phone call and, of course, Facebook.  Last week Tuesday she called me and told me how much she loves reading this blog. In fact, she wanted to know when I would turn it in to a book she can buy because she wants to give it as a gift. Her brother passed away recently, and she thinks her sister-in-law could use some support.  I was thrilled to hear from her, sad about the brother, and flattered by her encouragement to continue my efforts. You might think this was a bit of a random call (but it wasn’t, according to the Universe); it came  at a time when I have been in need of support for starting my own business. I felt validated.  Thanks, Linda!

Pauly

Then, on Wednesday night, I got another “random” phone call. Pauly was a very good friend of my mother, and she lost her husband after a 5 year battle with cancer about a year ago.  I have been friendly with Pauly, see her occasionally at family events (the last time was a year ago at my niece’s wedding).  I must have been outside with dogs and missed the call but she left me a voice mail message that said this:

“I just felt moved to tell you that I appreciate your blog and I appreciate what you are doing with your business.  You are really an inspiration and I want to thank you. I hope you continue to do well.  You’re helping me to get along with my – whatever you want to call it – widowship? or whatever it is. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you.” 

How amazing is that?  I called her back the next night, and we had a lovely conversation.  She also has a step-daughter who recently suffered a loss, and she hopes she will at least read the blog if not talk to me for that necessary listening ear. I felt “right,” like I am on the right path. Thanks, Pauly! (I saved your voice mail.)

Carol

But that’s not all.  Saturday I went to a Toastmasters speech contest in Chesapeake, about 60 miles or so from here. I met a woman named Carol, who has light black hair like me, except she puts purple streaks in hers.  (Oh, yes, I am considering it!)  We hit it off instantly, and it turns out she lost her husband two weeks after Kevin passed away.  We agreed to have lunch soon. Yesterday morning I got this email from her:

“When I met you yesterday, it was like looking in a mirror of my life. I was so surprised and delighted to know you are working through the same things I am for the same reasons. I have so got to get to know you better. I am not going to overwhelm you. I just wanted to know how you are doing some  of the things you are into.”

I felt needed, like I have something of value to share with her. And it’s all good, no pity-parties planned.  Thanks, Carol! (I saved your email.)

Abundant blessings and gratitude

So here I am, looking to feed my soul, and along come three amazing women all in one week, to offer nourishment.  I am so grateful for their friendship, their messages, and their timing. And I am doubly grateful that I am in a place emotionally and intellectually where I can recognize this blessing.  Thank you, God!!  And all because Kevin passed to the next place.  I miss you still, and I think of you all the time, but mostly, I thank you for showing me who I can be.  This business thing was our plan for quite a while, and now I’m doing it! A year ago I couldn’t see this as an option, but now I can’t see how I missed it. I was blessed to have you in my life, and I’m now blessed by you. PS-I trust the money wlll follow soon.  ;o)

 

Things I forgot to remember

04 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by in New Biz

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So I go “back to work,” right? Thinking it will be the same as if I hadn’t left, except that this time I’m working for myself.  Wrong!  I got home this afternoon, and here are a few things I forgot to remember.

1. Walking Shoes

The training location was “a short 10 minute walk” from the hotel.  I forgot that this is a subjective opinion. It certainly feels longer than 10 minutes when it’s slightly uphill, across busy streets, in the mist, carrying a briefcase, umbrella, and purse, and in the wrong shoes. I can’t believe I forgot my tennis shoes.  I did take a pair of dressy black flats to change into if the stupid high heels and other cute pink new shoes didn’t work out.  Which they didn’t. I had changed into the flats at the morning break.  By the end of Day 1, I put my feet up on pillows to relax. At the end of Day 2, I found a Payless Shoes and bought a cheap pair of walkers.  But I still forgot socks.

2.  The Make-up Kit Evaluation

I used to have a traveling make-up and personal toiletries kit for the camper, and one for work travel. Then we stopped camping, so I raided that to restock my work travel kit.  Then I quit work and bought a camper, so I raided back again.  This isn’t the same as my personal vacation kit, by the way, since work travel requires planning for a lot of possibilities, and personal travel means I can rely on my sisters or kids to have what I might need.  I forgot that mascara gets old and should be replaced every 6 months or so, and it is a little clumpy then.I forgot that the reason I didn’t like that blush anyway was because it’s not subtle enough. I forgot that short hair requires a different hairbrush.  And I forgot to pack bandaids, which I desperately needed.  I was able to get 3 from the hotel’s front desk, but by Night 2, I stopped at CVS Pharmacy on the way back from the shoe store. I also bought sinus pills and Tylenol.

3.  Bike shorts

It turns out that staying home in casual clothes and not caring overmuch about thigh gap has consequences when one goes out of town in the spring where it is humid and you are walking outside more than usual in a dress or skirt.  I had decided to not wear suits, and this also meant no pantyhose.  But it did not mean no chafing.  I learned today that deodorant would have been a good substitute (for both blisters on the feet and sore other parts). Now that I’m home, Monkey Butt powder and a pair of sweat pants are my salvation.

4. Coffee cup

I used to always take my own insulated coffee cup with me. I don’t especially like drinking out of hot paper cups (even if they have sleeves), and I don’t like refilling the tiny cups you usually get at conferences. When you are teaching, it’s not polite to keep running to the back of the room for more coffee or water. The throat gets very dry, so it’s not like it’s just pure indulgence. In this case, we were on the 18th floor, and the coffee was  in the café on the 2nd floor. Which you got to by a separate set of elevators, by the way. And which costs money every refill.  I ended up buying a bottle of water for a few dollars and refilling that at the water fountain in the hallway.  Maybe it’s good that I cut down on my coffee intake, but next time I will definitely take my own mug.

5.  The let-down when it’s over

Finally, I forgot what it was like to have a really good start and want to call home the first night and tell him about it, and hear him say, “I knew you would be great.”  And I ended on a high note, too. I need to find a way to give my self a high-five for my good work.  I have been coming and going for both work and travel over the past 1-1/2 years, and even during this 5 months on  sabbatical. Today I even had a house/pet sitter here with the dogs. But when I took my suitcase upstairs, I cried a little. I was reminded -again-that this is my life now, and equally important I wouldn’t even being doing THIS if he was still here.  Bittersweet feelings.  I looked at the dust on the dresser and headboard of the bed, which I didn’t get to before I left,  and for the first time, I wasn’t so excited about my house. I had the fleeting thought, “this house is too big for me.” Or else I need Merry Maids.

Despite all these forget-me-nots, it was a still a great comeback for me.  I was confident with the material, was fully engaged with the class, and felt a little important again. The post-course evaluations indicate the group’s reaction was also positive. Plus I now have a pair of shoes to leave in the car, a nearly-full box of bandaids and a new bottle of pain relievers.  I just hope the huge blisters.on my feet heal before I do Round Two in two weeks.