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~ Dealing with change doesn't mean starting over; it's about how you transition from wherever you are right now to the next place.

Solowingnow

Monthly Archives: March 2016

Priorities clear today

31 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by Pat in Dreaming, Gratitude, Sabbatical

≈ 1 Comment

WIN_20160331_190929 (2)There’s nothing like children (or grandchildren in my case) to help one keep things simple and stay focused on the present moment.  I’m reminded that this is what’s important – life. Period.  It’s about being happy, not seeing how much we can get done in a day.  I took Nikos to preschool today, and then found the local Starbucks. I realized I was enjoying my coffee much more in the sunshine here in Ventura, with nothing else to do, than if I were at home and had a list of things on my desk waiting for me.

We’ve been playing a 3-year old’s version of basketball. He’s ahead 183 to 12.  He says to me, “Grandma, you’re just not very good!”  We’re also eating PJ&J, and laughing at silly things, anticipating the Clipper’s game and “basketball pasta” for supper.  Except for updating this blog, the only other task I’ve even attempted to do today is call a friend for some catch-up time.  I could feel the little stress I do have these days just slide off my shoulders as we talked, feet up, with a cuppa at my fingertips.  Life is so much better when I’m not hurrying, and when I’m daydreaming a little.  Even though I’m on a sabbatical, a vacation is a good thing! I’m grateful for all of this.

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My awareness is showing!

28 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by Pat in Gratitude, Sabbatical, Transformation

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Now that I have made the decision to start my own business as an author/speaker and consultant, the internal machinery has kicked in to support this. But I have suddenly gone from enjoying a sabbatical where I read and relaxed and spent a fair bit of time thinking, to having lists and making appointments and keeping my fingernails short because of all the computer work.  I feel the pressure to produce, to justify the time off I know I desperately needed, and to position myself as competitive in this endeavor.There are a million things to learn, such as how to position myself, and to do, such as develop a marketing strategy, among the obvious tasks, such as making a list of potential clients and working to refine my speech scripts. My inner businesswoman is kicking and yelling at me to slow down.

Why can’t I just stay in the easy flow of forward progress, instead of trying to force a rapid outcome? I think this is one of my challenges, to keep me from burnout (again?).  If I have to have a schedule, and apparently I do, then I must schedule time for me.  Time to read and think and drink tea, instead of skimming headlines and gulping my coffee.  Time to express myself creatively in doodling, to enjoy whatever I’m doing. To be for the sake of being, instead of do for the sake of doing.

Even an upcoming  short trip to visit my kids and grandkids is becoming a production of laundry, lists for the house/dog sitter about mail and meds and plants, making sure bills are paid ahead of time and that trash gets out and my hair gets cut and the milk is used up so it won’t spoil and smell up the refrigerator. I have gone from zero to sixty things to do in a single morning.

The good news is that my awareness of how I am responding to this pressure has become recognizable sooner. I’m grateful for that positive change in me.  Rather than flopping onto the bed exhausted tonight, I am already consciously making myself slow down so I can anticipate the trip and get some quality time with Buddy and Bo.  I’m even marking up my calendar for when I get back home so that I have catch-up time before I dive into the To Do lists again.( I think  a massage is definitely going to be  in order then!)

That is one of my keys to getting more enjoyment out of life…being aware of what’s happening when it’s happening and then choosing a preferred response instead of running around in confusion and settling for a default lifestyle. I used to have Kevin to take care of the details of home and dog care when I was traveling.  As I accept that it’s now all on me, I have to approach my planning differently.  In that sense, my sabbatical has been successful.  I know more about what I want when I want it.  And right now, I just want to be one of those people who seems to float through her days, calm and not so much in control as accepting of what unfolds, aware it will all turn out fine. It always does, even though it’s just me now.

 

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Focus Group/advisors

24 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by Pat in Grief, Sabbatical, Transformation, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

File_001 (6) I am excited to host my first focus group this afternoon.  I have invited several of my neighbors, all of whom are now retired, in to give me some advice, identify local resources, and help hold me accountable for going “official” and starting a business.  I want to combine my grief experience and my work history, along with the personal sabbatical, to help others who are facing challenges in their lives.  Significant, difficult or emotional life events have implications at home and at work, and in how we deal with the rest of the world.  I want people to be able to do more than just survive their contact with whatever enemy they are facing; wouldn’t it be great to know – really know in your heart – that will be okay, that you may even thrive as you get stronger again.

The world of work often talks about Succession Planning. In fact, I have researched it and been published and spoken at conferences about this subject.  What isn’t talked about is how we prepare for succeeding with both our personal and professional lives when we are dealt a significant life event, how as supervisors or employers we manage an employee who is going through a significant life event, what kind of contingency plans are helpful, and how we keep on keeping on in the midst of it all.  And for the record, death isn’t the only significant life event we encounter: a baby can be born prematurely, a car accident disables someone, a cancer diagnosis, a fall down the steps, a child’s experimentation with drugs, a financial setback…and many other things not as “big” but still significant grievable events that can (and do)  alter the landscape.

Many people like to refer to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ work on the 5 Stages of Grief when we are dealing with grief.  Those are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. What isn’t as well known is that her work was intended to address the stages of dying, not death.  Subsequent research has offered a better explanation of the many stages of grieving any major event.I found this from the East Kootenay Lutheran Parish in Canada.  It was my experience, and much more helpful to me when I was freaking out about what would come next.

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Now I want to share this with other people, and also to figure out what this means on the employment front. How we can use this to really help organizations understand the absurdity of a 3-day bereavement leave, how to deal with work that needs to be done by employees on this grief journey.  Because, believe me, grief changes a person.  The employee you saw yesterday is not the same one you’ll see tomorrow.  Nor will the husband or best friend or neighbor or aunt be unchanged by this experience.  As a society, we seem to stop talking about this out loud after the funeral…and even then, it’s in hushed tones.  I’d like to help people get okay with death, to not see it as a failure, to get comfortable with grief, and open up discussions about our spiritual paradigms. Let’s find a way to acknowledge the grief journey.

 

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A Love Letter (on better loving)

21 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by Pat in Uncategorized

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Dear GM,

Remember when you hadn’t gotten a job yet after we moved here, and I’d come home from my job and ask what you did all day?  Sometimes I’d wonder how you could “just” sit track record for bad daysin front of the computer or the TV all day.   I understand now what you must have gone through, now that I’m home all day (well, most of the day, most of the time).  You were always so patient with me, telling me the trivia of your day, and asking about mine.  I took for granted the lawn being mowed or the dogs being cared for or the trash being out at the curb for pickup because you never made a big deal out of that.

I know now that sometimes it’s hard to even get the day going.  For example, I’m out of milk so couldn’t have my usual cold cereal for breakfast.  I hemmed and hawed til I finally decided on oatmeal and yogurt this morning.  I went upstairs to get dressed, only to remember that I had to go back downstairs and get the clean laundry I washed yesterday.  And fold and put it away. And make the beds in the guest rooms with clean sheets.  And remake our bed because the dogs had destroyed it already.

 

 

I came down to the office to write this blog post. It was about 10:00 already. It’s taken me almost five hours to get to actually writing it. I decided to “quickly” check Facebook (turns out there is no such thing)  and Linked In.  Since I’ve decided to go gung-ho and start my own speaking business, I then decided I needed to update my profiles. I at least got Linked In done. And played a little with website design ideas. I’m sure you’re just smiling in recognition.

I got up to get a cup of tea, and the dogs thought it must be time to eat again. I must have said “no” a half dozen times, and I finally gave in to the whining and gave them a biscuit. Then I realized they hadn’t been outside in a few hours, so I quickly took them out.

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Buddy

This has repeated throughout the day.  I see the grass should be cut, although I just did it last weekend.  I checked the mail and see I have a new Cox bill. I haven’t reconciled the checkbook in a week or more. When I got back in the house,  I ran around and did a pee-scan to make sure the boys hadn’t left a surprise somewhere in the house while I had been ignoring them earlier.

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Bo

 

There isn’t anything here to eat for lunch since I didn’t get groceries this weekend. So I had the last apple. Now I’m thinking I should make a trip to the store, so a list is in the making.

It’s early afternoon, and while I have done at least one productive thing that counts as “work,” I haven’t gotten done anything else on that list of Things To Do.

All of this is the roundabout way of saying, I’m sorry if I ever came across as dismissive of the time you were home and I wasn’t.  I can see now how a million little things get in the way of doing things. How you put up with me is a mystery.  Even when you must been stressed or bored or tired, you always had dinner ready for me (or a plan to go somewhere).  We were so new here, and you probably had no one else to talk to all day, and yet you let me do most of the talking. When I wanted to go to the library, or to a movie, or for a walk, or for a motorcycle ride, you were always willing to set aside your plans (unless it was hunting or fishing you had planned!) and come along with me. Thank you for keeping me company.

It’s more work than I knew to keep a house and yard maintained, and a relationship solvent. You were a quality partner and a best friend.  We had our fights, but you made sure neither of us gave up on the other.  I don’t know if I appreciated everything you did and how hard you worked to keep our lives afloat.  When I get tired and feel like throwing a Pat pics thru yrs0009pity party because no one knows how I feel, I remember that you knew. You carried the load much of the time, even when I didn’t realize it or appreciate it.  You give me strength now, too.  I am so damn lucky to have you in my life. I wanted you to know that. I still love you, but I think I love you better now.

 

Always and forever, PQ

PS-I still can’t figure out your password to your old computer.  If you get a minute, can you please send me another hint?  The last one didn’t get me very far.  Thanks!

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My trip on the path of grief

17 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by Pat in Grief, Sabbatical, Transformation, Uncategorized

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Yesterday I skimmed through my personal journal since Kevin died. I didn’t have time to look back through Facebook posts or Pinterest captures, but that will be coming, as I explore how I have changed, and how my focus on life has changed in the past year+.  So far; I know there is more to come.  One quick observation was that I wrote a LOT more often in the beginning of my grieving season than lately.  And I’m so glad I did.  As I’ve been thinking about “emptying my cup” (see blog last week), I realized that writing in my journal was a way of letting go of all the thoughts I had running around in that zone called the Neutral Zone when one is in the midst of a significant change like this.

He left this earth on November 23 just before midnight.  I cried all of December, and lost 17# (which I have gained back, and then some). I went back to work two weeks later, on December 9, which in retrospect, I see was way too soon.  I should have taken a month or two, just to sleep and let out the tears and handle the paperwork.  I ran away once but came back the same day.  In January, I attacked the house. I started repainted everything, took down Kevin’s dead animals and Redlin hunting prints and related items. It was January 23, two months to the day, that I noted it was the first day I hadn’t cried.  It took me another few months to nearly finish the “reclaiming” of the house, with new appliances and changing out some furniture.  It was July before I had help from my sister Peggy to repair the hole I put in the wall of the guest bedroom…I didn’t punch the wall, I ripped off a shelf back in December.

In February I had one three-day crying streak.  That’s when I sought counseling and group support and an online life coach. (That’s me – all or nothing.)  In March I held a vision board workshop in my dining room, trying to force myself to gather some clarity about the future. Called in sick to work a few times because I wasn’t sleeping and was crying A LOT. I noted that I felt like I was in free-fall.  Looking back, it seems that the shock had worn off and I was beginning to feel my feelings then.  It’s important to know I wasn’t alone during this time. I had company in December for the holidays, January, March, April, and May.  And I went to Minnesota in April for a wedding and to Ohio in May for a siblings/birthday get-together.  My mid-April I was thinking of quitting work, since a request for an adjusted work schedule was not to be.  I cleaned out Kevin’s clothes and put his bike and boat for sale.

In June, people at work complained about me. I had become intolerant of the smallest indiscretions or errors, and first-class bitchy over the big issues. I tried motorcycle therapy but it was no fun and I thought about selling the bike.  I started anti-depressants. The sleep deprivation had caught up to me, and I couldn’t go on crying forever.  I didn’t even like my own company.  Immediate relief! I slept all night long for the first time in months.  I noticed I started writing “about” Kevin instead of “to” him in the journaling. I was now thinking of a leave of absence at work instead of quitting.

In July I spent some time back up in my Diva Den, painting and crafting. I created a Get-a-Life Tree of leisure activities I used to enjoy and made plans to try some of them again.  File_000 (7)I watched complete movies and read entire books instead of just pages.  I continued the updates in the house, and Peggy fixed the hole in the wall.  She came here, and I went to her house also.  In August I was ready for a vacation, and rode my motorcycle again.  I noted I was feeling more like me again.  It was now I started thinking about writing a book on the grieving experience. But for some reason I also started worrying about money, and I thought about moving.  September I met with a realtor about selling the house, but had out of state work trips to Minnesota and Seattle, and made a side trip to Los Angeles, so no time to decide.

Feeling like I was capable of making good decisions again, I gave notice at my job in October, started my blog,  and at the one-year anniversary of Kevin’s passing, I began my personal sabbatical. In December I was finally able to catch up on my sleep and get comfortable being in my house, just me (and the dogs).  I visited the kids for the holidays, and when I returned to Virginia, I knew I was home. I didn’t want to leave any more.  I started reading a book a day,  cooking for myself, and making plans for the coming year. On January 4, I wrote that I was “feeling good, optimistic, interested, and open.”

It was a long way in to the depths of my grieving, but I am clearly well on my way out now. I have the occasional sad moments still, but I can think of other things besides him and us and poor me.  I still tell him about my day, and include him in my prayers, and ask him for advice.  It appears I have survived the worst of it, and yes, I know I’m not totally through the weeds or out of the woods yet. I am still wandering but definitely am not lost.

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Emptying my cup(s)

12 Saturday Mar 2016

Posted by Pat in Sabbatical, Transformation

≈ 1 Comment

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You are a gift to this world! (shine)

This is one of my favorite coffee mugs. I got it in the Minneapolis airport on my way to Virginia when I started my new job here.  I used it every day at the office, and since I’ve been home I rotate it with some of my other mugs. I choose one depending on whether I am having coffee or tea (or occasionally hot mulled wine), and whether it’s morning or afternoon or evening, how much I expect to drink, if I’m sipping or drinking, and who-knows-what-else as the mood strikes me.  Sometimes I use my mugs as décor, holding pens or markers or other things in my work space. Here are some more of my favorites.

 


Then yesterday I came across this story:  A student goes to see a Zen Master one morning. She wants to learn Zen.  She talks on and on and on, telling the Master what she already knows about Zen, and sharing her life experiences. While she is talking, the Master offers her some tea.  She nods acceptance and continues on with her stories as the Master begins pouring the tea.  The student keeps talking. And the Zen Master keeps pouring.  The teacup fills up and begins to overflow. The student is still talking but watching the Master who is still pouring. Finally, annoyed, the student stops talking and gestures to the Master to notice that the cup is overflowing.  “What are you doing? No more will go in!” The Master looks at her and gently replies to her, “Like this cup, you are full of your own notions, habits, opinions, thoughts, and judgments.  In order to learn Zen, you must start by emptying  your cup, emptying your mind, and creating space for new ideas, thoughts, and possibilities.”

Aha!  I think my cup(s) is (are) full right now. The purpose of my sabbatical is to rest, which I can’t do very well if I am too busy filling my cup.  I also want to learn new things, but there isn’t much room.  I want to prepare for the Next Big Thing, but I’m lacking clarity still. I have to create the necessary space for the new ideas and opportunities.  I’ve been slowly clearing clutter and reorganizing the stuff in my house, and I’m sleeping so much better, but I’m still keeping myself busy…so I don’t get bored, so I don’t get lonely, so I don’t feel lazy and undeserving of this break.  I think it’s time I stop pouring and start emptying my mind.  (As soon as I finish this last book I’m reading, The Success Principles by Jack Canfield. I am on #54, and there are 67.  I have about 100 pages to go.)

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So I have a new plan. When I go camping next weekend, I will not take any books or projects that are looking for space in my mind.  I will give myself time to reflect and empty out … while walking, sitting by a fire, watching the sunset, listing to the birds, maybe coloring at a picnic table. And if I get overwhelmed with the silence, I will write in my journal to satisfy myself that my thoughts are recorded somewhere so I can let go of them and create space for new thoughts.  I will stop trying so hard to justify this sabbatical or prove myself, and I will just let myself “be” for a while.

I will think again about what might be in the way of my having more clarity about the path I am on and where I am headed. I need all my energy intact, and to know where my energy is going.  That’s what I think clarity is about, having my energy directed deliberately instead of leaking out slowly because of inattention.

I’ll be sure to take a mug along to remind me of this.

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TGIM!!

07 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by Pat in Uncategorized

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Yes, it’s Monday, and I’m happy about it.  For one thing, my baby sister and her family will be arriving today for spring break.  It’s always a good thing to spend time with them.

And  I had a great weekend.  I got my house cleaned for the coming company.  When the house is clean and uncluttered, I find that my thinking is clean and uncluttered, too.  I spent the rest of day with my friend Diane.  We started with lunch, did a little shopping, and then I learned how to do beading.  I love crafting!  By last night I had three new pair of earrings, two new bracelets, and two “new” necklaces that were restrung and reshaped. A productive weekend resulted in restful sleep.  I actually feel energetic today.

Also making today a great Monday is the weather.  I live in abundance, and today it’s abundant sunshine.  The rest of the week is supposed to get into the high 70’s.  I really like the sound of that, don’t you?

The hot tub guy is here (again) to continue his work to find the leak.  I am optimistic that he will fix the problem and I’ll be soaking away soon.

I did have a nervous moment when I opened the mail and found that my IRA fund has also been leaking.  I have a few funds that are in oil/pipelines, so while I appreciate the lower rates at the gas pump, I am not so happy to see my account balance still heading south. Instead of just worrying, though, I contacted my agent and set up a call to discuss options.  Taking action is always a better option than doing nothing.  I may end up riding out this slide but I will do it by choice, not because I was too lazy to do anything.

It has been way too long since I have looked forward to a Monday.  So adding to my pleasure, I made sure every Monday in my planner is decorated in a sassy, spicy, or sweet way so I smile when I open to that page.

Ah, yes, Thank God It’s Monday!!

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Breaking the Rules

03 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by Pat in Sabbatical

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I broke the rules today, and I’m paying the price in guilty feelings.  I’m usually a rule-follower, so yes, I do feel slightly naughty.  (wink)

When I started this sabbatical, I decided that I needed to be disciplined in order to fulfill my goals of recovery and positioning myself for The Next Big Thing.  Rule No. 1 was to get dressed every day. I suppose you could say that I’ve only bent this one, since it’s barely 5 pm, and technically I could go get dressed yet.  But it’s unlikely.  And wouldn’t you know it, the Schwan’s truck showed up today, and now the Scott’s Lawn Service guy is here.  Both drivers were too polite to say anything but when I showed up at the door in a blue fuzzy robe and slippers, they did raise their eyebrows just a smidge!

I didn’t set out to work in my pajamas; the day just got away from me.  Truly, I have been working at my computer all day.  I have completed 6 of 9 items on my To-Do list, and fTJMT_Founders_sealinishing this post will make No. 7.  One of the items was to check my access to the John Maxwell Team resources, since I haven’t been on that site in a v-e-r-y long time, and I am interested in starting up another study session of the 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership.  I not only was able to sign in immediately, but I then listened to two archived calls, one by Malissa West and one byNSA_professional_logo Paul Martinelli, for nearly 2 hours of webinar time.  I also did a bit of research on local professional photographers for a head shot session and responded to several emails related to the NSA Speaker Academy course I am enrolled in.  I’ve spent less than a half hour on Facebook and that was only to check out the John Maxwell Group’s site.

As fun as it sounds to work in your pajamas, it’s not really.  I have had a wide range of feelings in the past year+; this one is what cheating feels like.  I only took a quick break to grab two hard boiled eggs and make a cup of tea for lunch, as if I didn’t deserve to take a real lunch break.  In my own home, legitimately “working”!  What’s really odd is that yesterday afternoon I had another dip in my emotions, that slippery slide down where I suddenly (and yes, it was sudden) felt down and on the verge of tears falling. I don’t know what precipitated it; I know I was aware of it as it happened, and I tried to recall what might have been a trigger, but it was such an ordinary kind of afternoon, and nothing stuck out.  I checked -it’s been 27 days since my last funk.  I’m thinking that this is my hormones trying to rage on but not finding much purchase.  I never was much of a PMS-er but I did have an ugly time going through menopause.  The good news is that as soon as I recognized the dip, I told myself that it just meant it was time to take extra good care of myself for a bit.  So I went out to dinner.  And then I went to bed early. Today I feel good – which is why I got to my desk right after my cereal and first cup of coffee – I had a plan and energy enough to work the plan today.

But tomorrow I will shower and dress first thing, partly because I have a 10 o’clock meeting and Toastmasters at lunch.  TMStaying social was one of my other rules, and I haven’t broken that one.  I know how important it is to be connected and feel like I belong.  Funny thing about that – twice in the past two days, I have gone somewhere and ran into people I know. One was my neighbor when I went to a coffee date, and another was a fellow Toastmaster when I went to dinner last night.  There’s nothing like being recognized outside of the usual context of where we know people from.  It’s one thing to have a planned meeting; it’s another when getting dressed and going out results in not just a casual hello but a conversation.  So it seems like another good reason to get out of pajamas – you never know when you’ll want to step out or be invited to coffee.

It wasn’t as if I had a Ferris Bueller day off.  I just didn’t make it upstairs to get dressed. Maybe working in my pajamas might seduce me into never wanting to get dressed again, like a problem drinker just having one drink to relax. If that’s the case, I might need therapy again. It still feels weird. I think I’ll go put on some sweat pants at least and eat dinner like a civilized person.

 

 

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