After a week away for my new work, I purposely scheduled today as a “don’t schedule anything” day. And then I made an appointment to drop off paperwork for my client and attended a short-notice coaching-the-coach session. It was late afternoon before I finally got to the miscellany catch-up stuff. Here are some resulting random thoughts.

Online rewards and other accounts and passwords

1. I updated my list of passwords for online accounts, since I had to reset a few while I was gone because hotel fog set in and I couldn’t remember them. Including all the rewards cards I have (for which I have yet to see anything worth keeping up with all of them), I now have 99 accounts for which I need Usernames and Passwords!  I now have 36 different passwords so clearly I use some of the same ones sometimes, but what kills me is when some automatically expire after 90 days and have to be reset, like the banking, and you can’t use one you’ve used in the last X days.

Email accounts

2.  I now have 4 of my own email accounts – and I don’t even have an employer “work” account. What I also don’t have but should is one for all the junk mail, those you get asked for at Ace Hardware or Michael’s, etc.  I really hate to give out my email only to get blitzed daily with special offers, coupons, and reminders.  How fast can you type “unsubscribe”?

MLM

3.  Multi-level-marketing (MLM) appears to still be going strong. I was approached very today about helping build his business by building my own. The interesting thing is that this is backwards to my new philosophy: I help someone before I ask them to help me.  ‘Nuff said; I am declining that offer.

Alarm Clocks

4.  I had to set an alarm every day last week for work. And by 9 pm every night I was ready for beddy-bye.  I got home and did not set my alarm Saturday or Sunday, and it was peaceful to instead wake to raindrops and birdsong.  This morning I wanted to start a new routine, so I set the alarm and decided I would try keeping at least banker’s hours. No go. I hit the snooze a few times, and finally got up well after 8.  And it felt right. I am convinced my natural rhythym is not in sync with early rising, even though I did it for 40 years. I skipped lunch entirely and had an early supper at 5.  This is how life is supposed to be: easy!

TV as computer monitor

5. Since I got rid of cable television a few months ago, I have two unused tv sets. The smaller of the two has about a 32″ screen. It turns out that with an HDMI cable, a 32″ tv make a swell computer monitor!  It’s kind of in my face, but as soon as I get comfortable sitting further back, which gives me more surface space on the desk, I know I’m gonna love it.  Now this is upcycling!  (Truth: it does block a little more of the window, though.)

So what does all this have to do with my life these days? Today is the 1-1/2 year mark since Kevin’s death. It’s taken me this long to regain my confidence and focus on random thoughts – which seems like an oxymoron, but I think it’s not. It wasn’t that long ago that such randomness would have felt like an incurable inability to focus, that I was going to be forever incapable of concentrating. Instead, the fact that I can find themes even in random thoughts is a release of sorts. I am taking bigger and bigger steps on my own, and comfortable doing things my way. Not as a defense mechanism or coping skill, not as a default mode. But with intention, and acceptance of the Me that is. I am not random, and life is not random. Being able to hold a few random thoughts at the same time is a sign of critical thinking and not of freaking out because of the inanity of it all. I’m liking this new old Me.