(Spoiler alert: this post is a downer, even to me.)
Today has not been a great day (except that I had a great phone call with my friend Karn this afternoon, and I did take a walk with the dogs this morning before it got cool, windy, and cloudy). And yesterday wasn’t that great, nor the day before that. I’ve been in a funk and am struggling to get out of it. I am on the verge of crying all the time and feeling stressed. Proof: another fever blister has started. And I don’t have anything to be stressed about. And no reason to cry either.
This is what grief does to me. I think it’s only fair to let you know that there isn’t some turn in the road where the potholes are all fixed and it’s only smooth riding ahead. I’m not the only one to have days like this, I’ve had them before, and I’ll probably have them again some day. It must be an important part of the transition from who I was to who I am becoming, that I’m even aware there doesn’t have to be a known reason for these growing pains. But it sucks to be me right now.
I start to think to myself that FINALLY I’m moving on, making plans, things are getting pretty steady, and … then I wake up one day and can’t beat the blues. Something inside me is blocking something else. Suddenly, the little things set me off, one right after another. The computer loses it’s connection every 30 seconds, the DMV wants me to appear in person to retitle my vehicles, I got a $20 charge for “self installation” of a “free” mini box on my cable tv. The weight of the world has caught up with the me who has been strong for quite a while, and I guess I’m tired of being strong and don’t want to be that anymore. At least not today.
Karn told me I should–I must– go ahead and cry, that I need to release something even if I don’t know what it is. Crying is cleansing, it’s healing, it’s good for the soul. It feels like if I start, though, I might not be able to stop. I know she’s right, but it’s scary in it’s own way. It’s a crazy conundrum: I’m losing control, but control is an illusion. Right?!? So I’m chasing my tail. What is behind this funk? On some level I must have a fear of not being able to keep it together and get on with my life. Or fear of some other kind of failure. Or maybe I just think too damn much, which is what Kevin would say if he were here. Come here and have your cry and it will sort itself out, he would tell me, and hold me so I was safe. He was never afraid of my tears.
So I have been leaking tears most of the day. Which is exhausting. But not as draining as carrying out this funk for three days straight.
This is not an invitation to a pity party. It’s an expression of where I am in the grieving process. There are definitely way more good days than bad ones, and for that I’m grateful. I thank God I have friends I can talk to, dogs I can cuddle with, and a warm bed to cry myself to sleep in since the shoulder is not available.
I hope tomorrow is brighter.