Author Archives: Pat

Last paycheck, for a while

04 Friday Dec 2015

Posted by in Budgeting, Sabbatical

≈ Leave a comment

My last paycheck from work was direct deposited today.  When I looked at the balance in my checking account and then at the bills needing to be paid, I had to take a deep breath and calm myself just a little. I told myself it will be okay. Abundance flows easily to me. I have enough, and I am enough.  I believe that when you are worried about having enough money, you should give some away – to keep the mindset of abundance instead of scarcity. So then I wrote out two checks, one to the American Heart Association, and one to the American Cancer Society.  Now I need to do the rest of my part, which is to stick to the budget I had made out when I decided to do this sabbatical. It will be alright. It is alright. I have everything I need, and the Universe will provide if I need anything else.

Reading, so far

03 Thursday Dec 2015

Posted by in Reading

≈ Leave a comment

I’ve always been a reader, and a fairly quick reader, too.  I don’t often retain a lot when it’s a novel, but I use highlighter pens and colored ink when it’s a book I do want to remember details of. In the past few weeks, I’ve read the following:

Maeve Binchy, novel, A Week in Winter (so-so)

Elizabeth Berg, two novels, A Year of Pleasures (love it, second time I’ve read this one) and Say When (okay)

Nicholas Sparks, a novel, See Me (okay, a mystery more than his usual relationship type book)

Kahlil Gibran, spirituality sort of, The Prophet, (spectacular, best book ever!, have read it dozens of times)

Natalie Goldberg, spirituality, Long Quiet Highway, Waking Up In America, (a little hard to get into but quite good once you do, about her search for inner peace, studying Buddhism and Zen, and on writing).

Since I want to write (as evidenced by this blog, and the book I have in mind), here are a few of the key concepts from Goldberg’s book:

Writing is a way to connect with our own minds, to discover what we really think, see, and feel, rather than what we think we should think, see, and feel. (p71)

(about good teachers) … learning from the whole person, not from a lecture in front of a class… (p83)

Only something alive can die. (p84)

The funny thing is you don’t learn how not to think, you slow down and let thinking be thinking, walking be walking, crying be crying, dying be dying, and writing be writing. (p91)

Oh, yes, I do love to read.  And to think.

Another woman’s grief

01 Tuesday Dec 2015

Posted by in Grief, Transformation

≈ 2 Comments

I saw  a post on Facebook this morning from Humans of New York. It was a story about a woman whose husband has died; it doesn’t say when, but I had the impression it was a while ago. The woman says that she sleeps on a mat on the floor rather than in the bed they shared, she hasn’t changed anything in their apartment, she doesn’t even walk down the streets they used to walk.  I was struck by this, as it is so very, very different from my experience of grieving.

Kevin died in our bed, and I have slept there every night (when I’m home) – often on his side of the bed, sometimes in the middle, and occasionally on my old side.  I changed his man cave room furniture and decor, and painted every room on the first floor of the house. I sold his motorcycle and boat. I go places we used to go and walk down memory lane, as well as seek out some new places. I watch movies we watched together. I talk about him and us to whoever will listen. I write him letters and talk to him every single day. In the global sense, I have changed everything except where I live, and I feel closer to him than ever.

So that’s one thing. But then I read some of the Comments on that Facebook page. One after another after another said it was heartbreaking, and what a tribute to have “that kind of love.”  My own reaction was, Poor Thing! She’s stuck. How could I help her?  I know there are no magic, one-size-fits-all words, but I hope that when I finish writing my story, I will help someone somewhere.  To cling to “that kind of love” would seem to encourage the heartbreak status quo.

My grief has been an amazing time of reflection, remembrance, and growth. It isn’t exactly the same for any two people in the details, although the end result is often comparable at some point in the future. If I could sit with that woman for an hour over a cup of coffee, I think that is what I’d say: I  don’t know what your grief is like, because all grief is different. But I do know that moving on is scary, filled with worry that things will change and you’ll forget him or the way you felt with him at your side.  Instead, think of it as moving along, step by step, day by day.  Remember the good times, talk to him while walking those streets you walked together, show him you are okay by resting in your own bed, so that he, too, can rest in peace.  Your love story does not have to end because he’s gone, nor does it stay exactly the same because he is, in fact, gone.

But then, who am I to tell someone else about grieving? To judge whether or not she is stuck? To tell her she should walk those street again? It is me who has something to learn from her: that it’s all good, we all get to choose how we grieve and do it on our own terms. Thank you, lady in New York, for reminding me of this.

Traditions old and new

30 Monday Nov 2015

Posted by in Traditions

≈ 1 Comment

One of the lovely things about being in a relationship is not just creating memories, but establishing traditions…those things you do that give you a sense of belonging and purpose.  One of my favorite holiday traditions for Kevin and me was personalizing a Christmas ornament every year, trying to capture an entire  year in a word or two.  He was the one who usually came up with the winning words. Last year I forgot about the ornament, but Kevin made sure I still had one, which came from my former sister-in-law Dorothy (that’s how I know Kevin had a hand in it!).  This year I got myself a very simple 2015 ornament to keep the tradition going.

Ornaments

And I started a new Thanksgiving tradition this year.  My sister Theresa and her husband Donald came to visit from the very cold Land of Lakes (Minnesota).  It was 70 here, so we packed that turkey in a Tupperware container, grabbed some bread, wine, cheese, and potato chips, licorice candy, and we headed to the beach. But not just any beach. We went to Cape Charles, on the Chesapeake Bay, where I had released Kevin’s ashes this spring. Not only did Kevin love the Chesapeake, but he loved Thanksgiving. It was a beautiful day for remembering my good life.

Copy of Pat beach (1)

And we still had time for one more new tradition – for Theresa and Donald. They are thinking they want to come here every year for Thanksgiving, since they enjoyed our next adventure just as much, if not more! We took in Busch Gardens’ Christmas Town, which was as lovely as last year (read: my other new tradition!).

Busch Gardens collage

I think traditions are important in helping me remember happy times, so I can evaluate if it is still important, still a part of me that is or just was part of me that was, and whether or not I want to keep or change or put away that part of me.  This weekend was somewhat of a milestone for me – the one year anniversary of Kevin’s passing, the second Thanksgiving without him, and his birthday.  From here on out, they are all “seconds,” another reminder that time marches on.  I am blessed to have so many happy memories from “before” and also being made now for this “next” time of my life.  Soon I hope these pictures of me will have bigger smiles, but trust me, I was starting to feel it!

What are some of your favorite traditions?

One year has gone by

23 Monday Nov 2015

Posted by in Grief, Transformation

≈ 1 Comment

I don’t have the right words now, and I didn’t have them then. I don’t know what to do now, anymore than I knew what to do then.  A year has not made it any more clear what the future holds, but I’m learning to let go of the need for certainty and open up to the possibilities.  And I know this much is true: the angel on my shoulder, the whisper tickling my ear, the drifting of the leaves, the flicker in the fireplace, the tears I don’t stop, the smiles I can’t stop…everywhere I look, there is evidence you are still here with me.  As the days continue to unfold, I get a little stronger, a little more brave, a little more me again.  I wish moving on was somehow different …well, I know you know what I mean.   You’ve moved on, too, in your way.

 

Belonging

20 Friday Nov 2015

Posted by in Sabbatical

≈ 1 Comment

Today is my  last day of paid employment for maybe up to a year. Note I didn’t say my last day of “work,” since my sabbatical is intended to be the work of finding myself and moving toward a more fulfilling future.  I have plenty to get done yet today so I’m sure I’ll be at the office all day.

I thought I might feel more excited than I do about the prospects. Instead, I feel slightly hesitant. This will be the first time since 1977 that I have not had work to go to every day. Even when I was on maternity leave, I knew what I was going back to.  And when I freelanced after Gabe was born, I had work lined up for weeks ahead of time. But that time was truly some of the best I ever had. Not only did I make more money working part time than I had full time, but I was working for myself, shopped when the aisles at the grocery store were not crowded, attended daytime school events with the kids, and just spent time being a wife and mother. I knew where I belonged. It was what I had been raised to do, and it fit me. Then.

Now, today, this minute, I’m not sure where I belong. I’m no longer a wife, my kids are grown with children of their own – miles and miles away, and I have nowhere I have to be on any given day, nothing particular I must do.  I expected a feeling of happy release, but instead, I feel alone.

Hello, Capt. Obvious!

18 Wednesday Nov 2015

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

I KNOW I can do the writing thing, and do it well.  This morning I was browsing Pinterest and the online news.  Here are some peeks into what I read:

Want to Reset Your Hormones and Lose Weight?  … Tip 2 – If you are allergic to certain foods, avoid them. …

Leadership Quotes from Hollywood’s Badass Leading Ladies.  Disclaimer, none of these woman actually said these.

6 Ways to Make A Yoga Practice Part of your Already Busy Day.  Tip 6 – Make it a Priority.

At that point, my teakettle was whistling so I stopped reading the fascinating, obvious, fake articles that pass as insightful ways to improve your life.  My story on grief will be of real value, I promise.

 

The Rules

17 Tuesday Nov 2015

Posted by in Sabbatical

≈ Leave a comment

I was talking to my brother the other day.  I know he was teasing when he made the comment about “now that you have nothing to do…” but I’m sure he was curious about exactly what I would be doing.  And others have hinted at the same thing. They think this sabbatical of mine is just an extended vacation, during which time I’ll laze around in my pj’s, watch soap operas, and eat bon-bons all day.  It’s up to me to not just tell them, but show them, that I am taking this time off seriously, as a way to get clear on how I really want to be spending my time, aligning my values with my calendar.

That will take some self-discipline, which I think all work-from-homers deal with.  Today, for example, you would find me still in my pj’s right now, and it’s 3:36 in the afternoon. But I’m sick, and have been for almost a week now.  The doc says rest, so that is what I am trying to do.  And besides, my sabbatical doesn’t officially start until 5:01 pm on Friday. Today is still paid sick leave, which goes away when I give up my paid job.

So I’m making a few rules for myself – to remind me and the rest of the world, that I am working my plan.  Part of my plan, though, is to rest and recover from a year of high stress, so I will be kind to myself.  With that in mind, here are the rules I’m making:

  1.  I will get dressed every day … right after breakfast, which is what I would do if I had a “real” job.  Unless I’m sick, when maximum comfort prevails.
  2. I will make my bed everyday, which is also what I do now.   Unless I’m sick and sleeping in it.
  3. I will stay in touch with the outside world.  I will go to Toastmasters weekly, and my writing group monthly, at a minimum.  But I won’t get so busy that I forfeit time for myself.
  4. Even though I’ll be on a strict budget, I will splurge and buy only Kleenex brand tissues. Because the store brand had made my nose sore and my fingertips aren’t happy to pull them out of the box.

I  won’t make any more rules until I’m feeling better.  But I think this is a good start.

Moving Day(s)

14 Saturday Nov 2015

Posted by in Sabbatical

≈ Leave a comment

Last night I started the physical transition piece of my sabbatical.  I emptied two bookcases that were in my Diva Den and hall landing area upstairs, and I slid them down the staircase and shuffled them into place in my home office. I had to take things off the walls and move two bookcases already in the office.  (Read: I like books!)  I have some bare spaces upstairs now, but once I get that gun cabinet chic’d up, it’ll look great up there.  As for the office, I think I’m going to like it as well, but I probably have to get rid of the nice recliner.

Today I went to the other office and packed up six (yes, 6) boxes, and one briefcase with the books and other items I’ve kept there, some wall art, and a few of the colored markers, extra coffee cups, personal toiletries, etc. that accumulated over my time here. I probably have another 2-3 boxes of stuff yet to pack up…files, other desk paraphernalia, food, Kleenex, etc.  It’s odd to think of packing up a 25 year career in a few boxes.  And now I have no wall space at home to hang extra pictures or bulletin boards, so the work of prioritizing begins.  But I’m a saver (not a hoarder) and some day my kids and grandkids will be joyous at finding the special “art work” they have made me over the years, so I save on.

And while I’m transitioning out of one phase of my life to await the discovery of The Next Big Thing, today I also moved in the direction of making new connections in the areas of support and encouragement. I attended the NSA-Virginia meeting here in town and met a soul sister. We had lunch after the meeting and found we have a lot in common.  She is Liz, a Whole-Being Well-Being Whiz, and she helps busy people claim health, wealth, and happiness.  I am excited at the prospect of attending a retreat at her place on the Eastern Shore, to learn about creating a meditation practice and developing some other essential wellness habits.

Good things are happening!

office

T-10 days

10 Tuesday Nov 2015

Posted by in Sabbatical

≈ Leave a comment

I am excited, and a teensy bit scared, and excited, and anxious, and excited, and oh so ready to start this quest for The Next Thing I’ll do. After the R&R.

Interestingly, today I got a “random” email request from a publishing house asking if I was working on a motivational book and would be willing to talk to the CEO.  Maybe someday, but not today, and not tomorrow, and not for a while yet.

I hope I can stay strong and say No and Yes at the right times…