Author Archives: Pat

Self Discipline

26 Thursday Jan 2017

Posted by in New Biz, Transformation

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It’s been said that if you want something done, give it to a busy person.  The thinking is that a busy person knows how to schedule and delegate, and will see to it that the project is completed.  I used to be that way…the one described as the busy person, who got things gone.  Not so much these days!

It turns out that when you have all the time in the world, so to speak, it’s quite easy to develop procrastination skills instead of disciplinary skills.  For example, I currently have the following work-related deadlines or commitments: Jan. 28, Jan. 31, Feb. 1, Apr. 10, and Apr. 25.  Each will require planning, research, and developing an agenda before I get to the actual work of designing a presentation or session. Instead, today I already have completed three loads of laundry, hung a wind spinner thing in my backyard (which I noticed was still in packaging in the laundry room), sorted some plastic rivet things (which came off the spinner package), and texted with a friend about some fun I had yesterday glamming up my camper.

I got to my desk by 9:00 this morning, showered and dressed and face on.  In the past 14 months, I have successfully avoided using an alarm clock except for days when I have HAD to be somewhere early. The result is that sometimes I don’t even roll out of bed until 9, and then by the time I feed the dogs and walk them around the yard, get dressed, make the bed, and have some coffee and cereal, I might not get start any work until noon. Which seems unseemly, almost wicked..

And therein lies the problem: wrong thinking. In reality, I am still getting things done and not messing up deadlines. I may get up later, but I stay up later. I feel productive, if not financially secure! I might take time for a few diversions here and there, but that’s the glory of working for myself, from home.

For example, in the past two days, I have sewn a pair of kitchen curtains for my camper, camper curtains.jpgremoved some blinds and crappy camper valances, camper-diningmade a tablecloth (complete with weights and fringes), hung shelves and hooks, had extended phone conversations with my sister and a girlfriend, hung a new shower curtain, added a little more yard art outside, camper-bathlaundered my bedding and mattress cover, and baked (and ate) chocolate chip cookies, all of which also required shopping for materials. Oh, and I recalibrated my GPS and set up a new geocaching account so I can take that up again. In addition, I have prepared for a presentation I will do on Saturday morning, made an agenda for a meeting I am leading Saturday afternoon, and made a to-do list for a party I am hosting Saturday night.

Come to think of it, I guess I am self-disciplined. And I am also quite productive. And creative.  I am just in need of self–permission to do it my way, instead of on-the-clock like I had done for the previous 30 years. As long as it gets done, it’s more important to enjoy the journey.

A-journeying I will go, too! Camping and geocaching are on the my list for things to do in 2017. I know I am disciplined enough to set goals and to achieve them, so here I go!!! If you care to be my traveling companion from time to time, let me know.  Seriously.

Sabbatical v. Marching

23 Monday Jan 2017

Posted by in Dreaming, Gratitude, Grief, Sabbatical, Transformation

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This past weekend, January 21, 2017, there was a significant demonstration of solidarity for human rights, not just in Washington DC but across the USA and around the world.  It was a focused time to think about what really, really, really matters, and to do something about it.  I had 2 nieces, 2 sisters, 2 granddaughters, one daughter, and several friends attend in Washington DC, Los Angeles, St. Petersburg FL, Fargo ND, and even here in Williamsburg…these are the ones that I know of.  I did not attend, and I’m not even sure how I feel about it after the fact….I don’t regret not attending but I am very proud of those who did.

I stayed away deliberately, because I don’t like huge crowds and, frankly, I was concerned about it turning ugly. The criminal protests and damage that was done on Friday for the inauguration was deplorable. I also don’t attend concerts because of overcrowding, and the anticipated gridlock on the interstates and city roads also was a deterrent. It seems to me that my preference for solitude is growing, and that too is food for thought. I am comfortable with my choice and I am comfortable with the choice others made. That is one of the benefits of living in the USA – the right to make these choices for myself.

It’s not that I want to have others speak for me, or that I am unwilling to stand up for what I believe in. In the past, this Mama Bear has been known to not only defend but to attack priests, the medical profession, family members, bosses, and even basketball coaches, among others, when I felt thwarted, threatened, or demeaned. It’s just not my style if I have other options these days. The option I chose this weekend was prayer, for those marching, as well as for our country and the people in charge of it. I even attended church on Sunday, which those who know me will be (pleasantly?) surprised about, and then several of us talked about the marches for a few hours afterwards. One had been to DC and two others had participated right here in town (which I hadn’t known about). No judgments were made on either side; it was a true time of simply sharing experiences.

I am also proud of those I know who did go. I got tears when I saw the pictures of my daughter and granddaughters dressed in Superwoman and Wonder Woman capes, holding signs and smiling. They are learning that they have a voice and are using it, and that they are not alone. I was happy to see my nieces also taking risks and making statements with their clothing and signs to stand up for what they feel strongly about, not to just attend because it was a thing to do on a Saturday. My sisters are on vacation but still took time to join in a march near where they are. Making time for what is important, instead of making excuses for what is inconvenient, is a valuable skillset we can  all learn from. We all do what we can, when we can, with what we have, in our own ways.

What I’ve been thinking about is how I took the past year as a sabbatical to recalculate what is important to me now. It is too easy to get lost in the everydayness of our lives, to stay on autopilot because we don’t know what else to do, to wait for a better time to do what needs to be done.  I spent many months thinking about my values, religious, political, and otherwise, and I still can’t recite them, but I feel more whole for having gone into the weeds and through the vast fields of doubt and uncertainty to find myself again.

Going within, taking the time to do this, relearning how to take care of myself, and coming up with a plan for being true to myself has been a priceless opportunity for me. I think everyone should take a sabbatical to do this because a single-day march, even for a cause as big as this one, is not enough to sustain new thoughts and ideas. We need action, planned, deliberate, sustainable action. Maybe this is where I can help. We have not begun anything new yet; we have declared the ending of what was. Now is the time to prepare for a new beginning. That is what my sabbatical did for me. It helped me let go of the old ways, the old ideas, the old relationships, the old dreams, and it gave me time to process the change that had occurred and ushered in the necessary space for rethinking these ideals. I am just now sprouting a new beginning.

An Open Letter to my Children on Inauguration

16 Monday Jan 2017

Posted by in Dreaming, Gratitude, Traditions, Transformation, Uncategorized

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Dear Children, One of the posts I saw on Facebook this morning was from a friend who shared a “good read for those who are afraid, upset and disquieted by what will take place this coming Friday…”  Both she and I are in a Speaker’s Academy, and this Friday is when we have our final “showcase” speech and graduation.  She actually was going to withdraw a week ago, feeling unprepared for the event, but she has reconsidered.  Imagine my amusement when I opened the article and discovered it was about Donald Trump’s inauguration set for this Friday also! It was 10 Acts of Resistance on Inauguration Day, and one of them struck a chord with me.

I am writing this letter in response to idea #7, Reassure Your Children, by nurturing their hope.  I urge you to remember that as dramatic as things seem right now, as impossible as the future seems, as opposite the ideals are of the incoming Administration from what you think you would like to see, please know that it will be okay. You have to trust me on this. I don’t mean things are going to be easy, or feel good, or that all the streets will turn to gold and love and peace will overflow.  But I have walked through some parts of hell already in my life, and I do know there is always something else ahead.

You may not think of it this way, but here are a few things that have happened in my time…things I remember for myself.

Collage

  • JFK was assassinated. I was in kindergarten, and I remember the announcement, the crying, being sent home. I didn’t know what it was about, but I knew it was BIG.  I also remember MLK being shot when I 9 years old, and Grandpa’s reaction (one I’m not proud of, but then, it was him, not me), and RFK too.
  • Viet Nam.  Grandpa’s cousin, Bernie, served, so it always seemed personal, although I didn’t really understand it. I was still young.
  • Nixon and Watergate.  I was 16, and we were all in the car driving to Utah for vacation when Nixon resigned. I heard it on the radio, and Grandpa was so angry about it. I remember a fleeting thought of how bad it was going to get if no one was in charge, and wondering if it could be worse than having a crook in charge.
  • Reagan’s victory. I remember standing in a line at the school polling place when it was announced he had won, and we hadn’t even voted yet. It wasn’t long after that I paid 10% interest on a car we bought, and 16% mortgage interest on our home in Cuyamunge. I was making $1850/month working for the state. We survived that, and look at us now.
  • Clarence Thomas hearings, and the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal. I know where I was, I remember watching the broadcasts.  Same with Oliver North. President Bush and the Gulf War, which my cousin Rick served in, and the next President Bush…’nuff said.
  • 9-11 I was at work, and got a call from Auntie Di asking me if Renae was okay. Renae was, in fact, visiting in my home in Brookings (divine intervention?). I rushed home so we could watch CNN together. What was a last-minute weekend trip became a week, and nothing has really been the same since then.
  • Yada-yada-yada.  Suffice it to say, it’s always something. And yet, here we are.

In the midst of the political angst over the past 40 or 50 years, I also had some personal shit in my life that helped make the politics less important.

  • I buried both my parents and a husband. I also witnessed several good relatives and some friends being laid to rest.
  • I divorced, and moved 6 times after that, trying to provide for my family while completing my college degree, raising teenagers and helping them into college.
  • Tino broke his knee, Renae had endometriosis, Gabe broke his wrist, Brandy rolled a car, Ethan shot out a window in Gabe’s truck, Heather had a baby, Renae got divorced.
  • I loved people who suffered through cancer, had an abortion, were foreclosed on their home, lost a job, went to jail, had surgeries, got divorced, fought with children, were abused, committed suicide, were hospitalized, lost their reputation, buried their children or spouses, and otherwise started over again.

On the other hand, while all this (and more) was going on in my world and other people’s lives, good things happened, and are still happening.

  • I brought up amazing children, who themselves have amazing children.  As my hero Kahlil Gibran reminds us, life goes forward, not backward.  (Donald Trump is already 70; you and your children are the future.) I was able to give each of you an education, a respect for nature, and a strong familial relationship. You are good, kind, hard-working, responsible, nurturing, and loving people. That’s what the world needs. Pass that on to your children, and to your friends and their children. Life is an evolution, not an event. Keep trying to make it better.
  • All my children found and give mature love as adults, and they have made meaningful lives with wonderful partners. They also show love to their families, their friends, their neighbors. I am so proud of each of you.
  • Despite whoever was in the Oval Office, I was able to mend a broken heart, more than once. I know what’s really important to me, and I don’t get so caught in the drama of the news cycle.  It’s good to know that this is possible. Life goes on, and it is worth the effort to see what’s next, to know new people, to try new things, to go new places. There is life after life as you knew it, and there will be life after Donald Trump goes home again.
  • Despite whatever was going on in city hall, or the state capitol, or the Capitol Beltway, I always believed that what I did mattered. Not because I had a select or elite position, but because I know that the everyday little things add up.  All politics are local, and I focused on what I could manage in my own way. Starting at home, always.
  • I still have access to new ideas, books, movies, music, and art. I can avoid the “real” world and all its drama by the diet I feed my mind. I choose to read positive stories with happy endings, I listen to uplifting music, I surround myself with the stuff that makes me feel good. I know people who have lost all that and had to flee their homes in a communist country, and they still survive; they live better now. Be a role model to your children, give them hope.
  • I still had time to experience life, absent the stream of bad news trying to assault me. The Little League games, the indoor soccer matches, the hockey games I still don’t understand, the basketball trips, the Disneyland days, that bus trip to Duluth, the chanting of a choir, the sun in Jamaica, the wine in Italy, country music line-dancing, the cross-country road trips, camping, geo-caching for treasures, hugs and smiles from granddarlings, the singing birds in my own backyard, the antics of puppies and old dogs, good coffee. The mental breaks are vital to my health. I want to see happiness in pictures and videos, share in the moments you think are important, stay in touch with my friends. There is little room for political drama, except West Wing on Netflix!

I don’t think I am abdicating any personal responsibility by not publicly voicing my displeasure at the state of the world and contributing to that negative noise. I have chosen another way, and I do take full responsibility for my personal condition.  Every week at Toastmasters I join like-minded people who are interested in making the world a better place by improving their communication and leadership sTMkills. As I see it, the world is desperately in need of these attributes. Last fall I had the incredible opportunity to see 144 counties sharing a weekend in the pursuit of a better world, at a Toastmasters International conference.  Proof that we can live in a different world. That’s how I serve,  what I choose to be a part of.  As John Lennon said, you may say I’m dreamer, but I’m not the only one.

Right now there is uncertainty because everything is changing.  Remember, not all change is bad, and in the final analysis, at least we are in the USA, not some third world country or communist regime. It’s never been a perfect world, and it likely won’t be while we live on this earth. That’s what heaven is for. And there is always hope for a better, different tomorrow, because you are here and I am here. We can make a difference, we can make choices, we can prove the naysayers wrong about how bad it is. And with my rose-colored glasses on, just think what it might be like if Donald actually does some good!

I challenge you to continue to be grateful for what you have, and to not dwell on what you don’t have. I am grateful that you all are in my life. You and your partners, your children, your friends. 20160627_165608Keep on loving your children, encouraging them, playing with them, nurturing their positive spirits.  Someday probably we will look back on this week and all we feared, but for now I will remember that January 20, 2017, is my son’s birthday, and the day I graduate from the National Speaker’s Association Speaker Academy.  I don’t have any inclination to cast a shadow on this day by worrying about other things.

With everlasting love, Mom

 

An ounce of prevention…

10 Tuesday Jan 2017

Posted by in Uncategorized

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There is something kind of cool about watching it snow outside, and pile up, and up, and up, to a foot deep, and then NOT shoveling because you know the temps will soar to 40 and 50, even near 70 in just a few days!  I did that. We got around 12″ of snow out of this past storm front. A neighbor boy came over on Saturday and offered to shovel (for pay, of course), but it hadn’t stopped snowing yet, so I asked him to come back the next morning. He said he would.  He didn’t.  And I didn’t.  Until today, now three days later.

I had to take my 2-wheeled trash bin out from the near-back outside of the garage, across the driveway, to the curb in front of the house this morning. As I had a breakfast meeting at 9:00 a.m. today, and since I will be hosting the neighborhood Bunco Babes tomorrow night, it now seemed like a good idea to get it done.  So I shoveled by myself at 8 am when it was a fresh 16° this morning.  It might have been easier if I had done it when the snow was still light and fluffy, before anyone (like the neighbor kid) or I walked on it, but it wasn’t all that bad. What made it ugh-ly was that my plastic shovel has a huge crack in it. Still, I got the job done. We are supposed to reach 47 degrees today, but at 12″, what I see is the level shrinking but not disappearing yet.  Anyhow, it’s done now.snow

I wonder how many other times I have left something go that if I had taken care of it sooner would have made the job easier or faster or lighter or cheaper or something. A branch that needs to be trimmed, that I worry about until it eventually falls on my deck and I say a quick prayer of thanksgiving that it didn’t break the window or damage the railing. A light that goes on in the car, and then it goes off so I forget about it, until one day I hear strange sounds that now cost more dollars to fix.  A coffee slosh on the stairs or a milk spill on the kitchen chair seat that now has become a stubborn set-in ring that won’t be coaxed away; and the wobbly arm of the dining room chair that has now split and fallen off.  Not buying an item at the grocery store because I’m not really out of it yet, and then one day when I need it,  I don’t have enough (or any) in the pantry.  I used to be better at prevention and maintenance, but I notice I’m not so good lately. I need to fix this (pun intended). Some of these used to be Kevin’s jobs, like shoveling and getting the trash out and motorcycle maintenance.  I knew they got done but I didn’t really pay much attention.  It’s been two years, and I still have to consciously, deliberately think about these things.  What’s up with that?

So I made a short list of things I really should pay attention to now, or soon:

  1. My motorcycle was ridden only twice last year. Probably a good idea to get a professional to look at it, make sure it’s road-worthy, and have the oil changed before I want to take it for a joy ride on some random warm day this spring.
  2. Buy a new snow shovel when they go on sale.
  3. Keep a can of stain remover on hand.

I told you it was a short list.  I’m going to keep this list up, though, and add to it as I come across other still-little things that I may have neglected in the past several months.  Oh…the tear in the seam of that old sweater, the one that didn’t give me joy anyway? Yeah, that’s just going in the trash; not even going to mend it. Double-win.

What is on your list??

Going “home” for Christmas

30 Friday Dec 2016

Posted by in Dreaming, Gratitude, Grief, Traditions

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I spent Christmas 2016 in Santa Fe with all three of my adult children and their families, plus some of their extended families (in-laws, cousins), and my brother. I have spent the last three Christmases now with some of my kids, but this was the first time we have all been together in over 2 years, and it’s maybe 10 years since we all celebrated Christmas together.  I am adapting to the holidays without Kevin, but it’s not just about having distractions to keep me from thinking about him.  I found more of me this year, which I suppose is another step along my grief path to the rest of my life .  It was an awesome holiday vacation, and they just keep getting better.

family-2016

I lived in Santa Fe for 17 years as a young woman, wife and mother. We moved there when our daughter was 2 months old, and both of our boys were born there.  I’ve been back a few times since I left over 20 years ago, especially since the youngest son moved back there. When I left, it was a few years after my divorce from my kids’ dad, who still lives there.  I had always struggled to fit in, never quite feeling like I belonged there; not unaccepted but not embraced.  It was always a nice enough place to visit after the divorce, yet I never wanted to move back.  But now I think about it, partly because I have found some peace within myself about that the relationship he and I used to have and the one we have now.  Now I am more sensitive to the shortness of a life span, more aware of what makes me happy, more interested in thinking and being than doing. This trip I even went to see him for a few minutes and wish him and his girlfriend a Happy New Year.  (It wasn’t creepy; she had already given me a Christmas present, and my kids and brother were there also.)  How I feel about him is fodder for another story someday. Suffice it to say that I can now appreciate my own life differently.

Anyway, in these intervening years, I went back to college and completed a both an undergrad and graduate degree. I moved three more times, always for more progressive employment opportunities. I married and buried a second husband. I lost both my parents and a stepmother. I have traveled to nearly all 50 states, and been to Europe, Canada, and Jamaica. I learned how to drive a motorcycle, and I adopted two furry four-legged boys. I have read probably a thousand books. I’m now starting my own business. In other words, I have expanded my world view significantly, reprioritized my life a few times, and changed a lot. I like myself and the life I have created, and I have released old ideas of who I was and what my role was supposed to be. I had more confidence about this visit to Santa Fe than I have ever had.

I

kids-2016

Gabe & Kelsyn, Renae & Andrew, Tino & Jenna Olivia, Ava, Isla, Mayzie, & Nikos

 

always hate to leave my kids and tear up when it’s time to say our goodbyes.  I fantasize about moving to be with them all the time.  I scope out real estate ads and contemplate other job options. I daydream about a Waltons kind of close family (ironically, Waltons Mountain is here in Virginia). I imagine the kids think about it some, too, for me.

 

And then when I get on the plane, I feel myself relax, already anticipating the peace and quiet of my own home, with my own stuff around me, making the mental move back to my regular life. The freedom of not having to be in full-on parental mode and the independence of coming and going as I please without having to be accountable to anyone else.  When I get in the door, I breathe a sigh that comes from deep within and says “you’re home now.”  Is it the lure of Virginia and my house? I don’t think so; it’s my lifestyle. Which is portable. As am I. Portable, I mean. I would bet the kids are also happy to get back to their own lives.

I don’t think I am ready to move, and for sure the idea of packing and doing all it would take to make another cross-country move is daunting. So it’s time for a little transition or compromise of sorts on my part.  One easy thing I can do is to initiate more contact with my kids by phone and email, or preferably by Face-time or Skype. I also can re-evaluate my budget and see about more trips to see them. Although I whined that my flight yesterday left at 6 am, I was home by 2:30 local time, so a bit less than an 8 hour trip door to door. I have driven further than that and not been anywhere! I also introduced a tiny bit more Santa Fe style to the house.

pottery

Acoma on left, Jemez on right

I added a gift piece of Acoma pottery to my little collection that includes Jemez and Santa Clara Pueblo pieces already.  I bought two colorful ceramic light switch covers and installed them.

lightswitch

Lightswitch

And I brought a Native American wool blanket out to my family room so I can enjoy it daily. I can have it all, in a way…it’s not eccentric, it’s just me.

The “reason for the season” reminds us of the goal for peace on earth, which begins with me.  I think I have finally achieved that, or at least I can see it.  I don’t have to GO home again, I take the sense of home with me where I go.  I felt at home there, and I feel that now here.  The best gift I got this Christmas is knowing that.

 

Holiday spirit

09 Friday Dec 2016

Posted by in Sabbatical, Uncategorized

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There used to be years when I had all my Christmas shopping done and packages mailed by the first weekend in December.  The cookies baked while Christmas music played. I put up Christmas villages and multiple Nativity scene displays.  I decorated every room in the house; I even had Santa shower curtains and rugs for the bathroom!  I don’t think it was just because I had kids living at home, or family coming to stay for the holidays, but that might have had a little to do with it.  That has changed.  Last year I was planning to go be with my kids out of state, so I limited what I put up, but there was a small tree. I still wasn’t really in the mood to celebrate holidays, even though I had started my sabbatical and thought I’d have all the time in the world to enjoy the season.

This year I planned to change that, except now I’m going to go to the kids again. And I have this dang business to run, and a Showcase Speech totable prepare for a Speaker’s Academy I am enrolled in.  I did take down the fall decorations but they are all on the table patiently waiting for me to actually put them away.

That doesn’t mean I have done anything, but just that I haven’t done much compared to what I … want? need? like?  I just can’t quite find the peace I used to enjoy during this season, even amid all the hustle and bustle and baking.  So far, no tree but there is a Santa, some reindeer, and a few nutcrackers. Santa is not in jail, by the way, he’s peeking out at everyone who comes in the front door!

All is not lost, however.  Some traditions remain, if not intact in their entirety.  The reindeer with Santa I have had since my days living in New Mexico.  I got them at a craft fair in Albuquerque at least 20 years ago, and I just love those wooden little guys. They are like a puzzle, with pieces that have to be put together.  I remember the first year Kevin saw them, and he laughed because apparently I had been putting the legs on wrong. I thought there were two matching sets, one for each reindeer. It turns out one is front legs and one is back legs, so I had given one deer two fronts and the other got two backs!  Forever!!!

The nutcrackers have a story, too.  On the bottom left, the bandito, and the soldier just up a step from him, I bought in Germany in 1977.  I gave the bandito to my dad for Christmas that year, and the solider went to my Mom.  Now that my parents have both passed away, these have made their way back to me.  The other chubby ones further up the stairs I only bought last year here in Williamsburg.

I have boxes (big boxes) of “themes” like this. I could open my own small Christmas Mouse store, I think!!! One year I might just put up snowmen, for example.  This year it’s nutcrackers.  I also have different kinds of decorations. Once I married Kevin, we used to put up 2 trees each year. His was a South Dakota tree with wooden animal ornaments, rustic bells, “barbed wire” garland, pheasant feathers, etc.  My tree is usually picture ornaments of everyone in the family.  Kev and I also collected a special pewter ornament each year, with a single word or phrase that summarized that year. One year it was Mr. & Mrs., and the year Layla and Isla were born, it read Grandma & Grandpa. Another is Pierre Pressure, and it was followed by Pierre Pleasure; that was when I moved and he stayed in Brookings, but then he joined me after Ethan graduated high school. There is Honda Highways, when I got my motorcycle. I have a Nativity that was handmade and was a wedding gift the first time I got married almost 40 years ago. It’s kind of ugly, in fact, and the pieces aren’t proportional, but I am grateful for the fond memories it evokes of George (the one who made it), the joy of my early days of married life, and what it was like to be 19 with a husband and baby.

One thing I used to love to do at Christmas time was make time to go to local concerts and enjoy the music.  Right now I’m listening to a CD of South Dakota Acoustic Christmas Band’s annual show. I think I probably saw them a half dozen years.  I have a CD from a Tonic Sol Fa concert I took my mother-in-law to in Brookings one year.  That’s one is on deck for when Acoustic is done. And so last night I heard about a performance of The Ford’s Colony Dance Band, who would be playing big band-style Christmas music in the library’s theatre.  It was 90 minutes of wonderful uplifting fun.  I’m so glad I went. (No CD’s for sale.)

My traditions are sorta-kinda out the window these days, but I’m grateful that bits and pieces of them are still tucked away in my heart.  I guess I’m proof that that the only certainty is change.  And since life goes forward, not backward, I have to agree it’s okay. I think I might put away the fall pumpkins and hang a few lights outside around my door later today when it warms up a bit. I might even try and do some Christmas shopping. Heck, I still might decide to put up a tree!

Journaling, again

29 Tuesday Nov 2016

Posted by in Grief, Reading, Sabbatical, Traditions, Transformation

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I haven’t found much immediate comfort when I am in the act of writing in my journal, but I do love to go back later and read whatever I wrote.  I guess it’s a good thing when you think your own life is kind of interesting!  Today is a day for that – the rereading. A few days ago was the 2nd anniversary of Kevin’s passing, and tomorrow would have been his 57th birthday. I still miss him like crazy.

For about the first year after he died, I kept a journal using the guest book from his memorial service. A blank page, though, is not my style.  I could fill it up (and then some) once I got going, but getting started is the hard part. Like many things we want to do, I suppose.  Some days take up a paragraph but some are several pages, and some days I didn’t write at all, and the rest of the time, I kept a factual record of what happened more so than a record of my feelings.  Still, it is good for me to see how much has changed, in me, in my world…or not.

What works better for me for journaling is a fill-in-the-blank kind of format.  A friend gave me one for recording info about my motorcycle trips, and I had one for camping also. Then I found a “Me” journal, similar in format to the other two.  I used that style for a long time. I didn’t write every day… Ha! I actually have gathered 13 years’ worth in only 2 volumes! It turns out if you write as infrequently as I do, you can do, you can get around 6 years in one book. me-journal  journal-sample

Of course, there have been other kinds of journals I have kept simultaneously, so it’s quite possible I forgot about the Me book and wrote in others.  What I liked about that format is that there was the front page to write on with blanks to fill in, and then the back side was blank, so I could write whatever I wanted.  But something was missing, something that could make it more, although I don’t know what more is.

I love stationery shops and bookstores, so as I wandered through them here and there, I searched for a better one, the exactly right one.  No luck – and this has gone on for years!  I wanted one that would help me be more proactive, keep my momentum up, encourage me, instead of just logging memories.  So I made my own version, following the ME format.  I took out the weather report line, and added in a “one thing I’ll do today” line. Then I took out the news report, and added in “what I’m reading or listening to.”   my-journalI also added a line for “I took care of myself today by…”  Since I did mine in an Excel format, I just printed them off and hole-punched them for my Day-Timer.  A few other tweaks here and there, and I have my own almost-perfect journal, albeit still more fact-laden than poetry and prose.  I still don’t write in it every day, but it is helpful when I’m feeling the blahs and blues, because I know when I go back later, I can usually glean some insights from what was going on and how I got in or out of that particular time.

One of the best values I have gotten from keeping a journal is emptying out my brain to make room for other memories, other feelings. I know when I’m “full,” that is different from “my cup runneth over.” When there is too much hanging on, and I can’t think, or can’t stop crying, or can’t move forward, that’s when I really need to put it down on paper and save it for another time, when I’m better able to honor those feelings and gently put them away.

I don’t know how long I’ll keep these journals. I kept a journal during my divorce from my first husband. I dragged it around with me during a few moves from state to state, but somewhere along the way, I tore it up. I maybe should have had a burning ceremony or something more dramatic, but I didn’t. I just shredded it and put it in the trash.  Some days now I wish I had it so I could remember better what my life was like and how far I have come since then.  I do still have old love letters, but that’s not the same.

This Solowingnow blog also has been my journal for the past year, along with other notes and pages here and there. I find it gives me peace to review these posts and also know how far I have come on this sabbatical, and how much I have learned about blogging. It appears I am consistent in my spurts and voids in my writing patterns. But this one is public, so to be sure, it is selective.  And that is one thing I have definitely learned: that it’s okay to be selective, that I don’t have to remember everything, that I don’t have to share everything.  My life is more peaceful when I choose to let certain things go away, or when I actively dismiss them by hitting the <delete> button.  Proof positive that this is MY life, MY way.

Another year gone, another new year starting.  I wonder what’s in store for me now!!

4 Days and counting

16 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by in Dreaming, Sabbatical, Transformation

≈ 1 Comment

It’s hard to believe that in 4 more days, my sabbatical will be officially over…according to me.  And since it is my sabbatical, I get to decide!

What this means is that I will now discipline myself to get up every day and go to my home office and “work.”  I have plenty to do in terms of writing, developing content for my new business, building a client base and marketing my services, and all the other and sundry things that support a business.  And I’m ready to do that.

What it doesn’t mean is that I will go out and get a “real job” now. My income won’t change…yet…so I will still subsidize my spending from what’s left of my savings.  Being frugal on the home front isn’t so bad after all. I have actually considered a seasonal retail job, but I do also have plans with the kids for Christmas, so that might be a problem. And I’m not the kind of person who could start a job without making a commitment to give it a good faith go for the long term. So until I have to, I’m not going to consider that route.

When I started this sabbatical, I gave myself some rules, which were based on my own definition of what a (self-sponsored) sabbatical is.  First and foremost, it was to be a time of rest and recovery so I could process my grief in a way that was productive for me. I didn’t know exactly what that would be, but I deal with things on an active level, so this time off wasn’t intended to just be a long nap.  In fact, my rules were basically to get out of bed every day and make the bed so I wouldn’t be tempted to get back in, get dressed before noon each day, and get out of the house in some quasi-social way to be around other people at least once a week.  I’m proud to say I was successful in that.

I also considered my sabbatical to be a time of growth and opportunity, and I pursued that through reading and travel.  It turned out that I also have done quite a bit of formal “learning” through attending workshops, information sessions, and conferences. I studied not only grief and grieving, change and transition, and writing, but I also enrolled in a Speaker Academy and worked on developing my skills as an solopreneur in the business of speaking to make money. My former employer’s request for me to teach some classes became an earlier-than-expected return to the working world, but it has given me a head-start on my Next Big Thing which it turns out is speaking, teaching, coaching, and consulting.  All things considered, that purpose of my sabbatical has also been fulfilled.

The primary goal I had, though, was to sort out all the feelings I had over Kevin’s passing, and to discover and get comfortable with Solowingnow, not as a hobby or business endeavor, but as a way of life.  I’m still not a fan of the word “widow,” and I still don’t consider myself “single.”  I am on my own in a mix of those two worlds, but even if I were to engage in a new romantic relationship, being in this space will have its mark on my identity.

The other day a new friend since I’ve moved to Williamsburg commented to me that she hadn’t known this version of me and liked the changes she was seeing, that I smile a lot more these days, and I am optimistic and positive.  A friend who has known me a very long time also said that she noticed I seem to be the “old Pat” again.  No better testimonial than those as to my acceptance of my new life.  Of course, this assumes I was happy with the “old Pat,” which I am, although it’s also fair to say I am still moving forward and prefer the “new old Pat.”

Making the shift now from Sabbatical As A Time For Me to working from home will require some new rules. After all, one of my goals now is to make enough money to support me and my business, which will mean consistently making sales, creating a support team, and putting some systems in place.  I have devised a “3 month hustle” plan to get me out of the starting block. And I will refine my 1, 2, and 3-year plans as I get those business formalities in place and the foundation solidified. New rules include having a work schedule, following a plan for when I will do the tasks of running a business (such as admin work on Monday and Friday afternoons, 1-a-day marketing, networking at least twice a week for now, reading/learning on Wednesdays, appointment/call days, etc.).

I am also going to shift away from personal email and facebook during my prime working hours (which may well include hours after 5 pm since I find evening work time to be more productive for me than early mornings), using my business email address more consistently, changing my voice mail on the phone to reflect it is a business people have reached, and answering it with professional greeting instead of just “hello.”  And I will track where I spend my time (or not) so I can continue to make progress toward the lifestyle I desire.  After all, if it turns out that I don’t spend any time caring for me, or doing the things I say I want to do, then my lifestyle will not be reflective of how I envision it being. Who wants that? Been there, done that.

This sabbatical year also has been a time for shaking off the intense work structure I had adopted, and while I haven’t been exactly loosey-goosey lately, I have been very flexible with how and when I do things. This includes when I eat breakfast, when I get groceries, when I do housework, how long my lunch-hour is, when I sit at my desk, how many times I walk around the neighborhood, and where I go on spontaneous road trips.  Now I have to get back into a routine, because I know that will serve me and my business goals, but I will be alert to how it impacts my Self and my life. No longer am I aiming for balance, which implies equal time for work and non-work. Now I am after integration of my personal and professional personas, with a lifestyle (including work and how I contribute to my world) that is of my choosing and my making.

I am Solowingnow and more than content with that….more than accepting….certainly not settling.  I am embracing, I am flying, I am feeling momentum build. I feel strong again, I feel prepared, I feel grateful for having been able to live this sabbatical year on my terms. It’s great to be me again, and I’m looking forward to the next best version of me, too.

A PMI Lesson about the Election

09 Wednesday Nov 2016

Posted by in Grief, Traditions, Transformation

≈ 1 Comment

The Myth of the 5 Stages of Grief

Those 5 stages of grief most of us are familiar with came from Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross about 50 years ago. They were Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. What most people don’t know is that they were framed around the idea of a grief resulting from learning that one was dying, not that someone (or something) had died. The concept was then generically applied to all kinds of grieving, and somewhere, somehow, lost in the translation were other feelings and emotions that also occur during grief.  This list includes

  • shock
  • sadness
  • blame
  • forgetfulness
  • guilt
  • searching
  • isolation
  • disorganization
  • forgiveness
  • confusion
  • hope
  • exhaustion
  • recovery
  • adjustment.

These feelings don’t occur sequentially, and they aren’t all necessary for one to fully grieve. Some of them will ricochet and recur. It doesn’t matter if you are grieving the loss of a person close to you, or an idea or dream you had, or plans in the making. Or a presidential term.

Transition

I have been learning about grieving for the past two years since my husband died.  I also learned about the transition time that occurs after the grievable event.  First there must be a letting go of the past, the person, the dreams, a time when our feelings are right at the surface and seem uncontrollable. Then there is a neutral time when feeling are sorting themselves out, searching for answers, trying on new routines, and re-entering the world.  Finally, there is a new beginning. A time of new patterns that stick, new relationships, new ways of thinking, a new normal.  It is all quite subjective, dependent upon the person and the circumstances. Let’s use this model to consider our election yesterday.

Subjective to Objective: a PMI Lesson

One other valuable lesson I learned is how to move from that place where I was stuck in subjective thinking about Poor Me to being more objective re: my future.  I recalled an old method I used from teaching about how to expand my thinking and calm (if not remove) emotional reactions to the situation…eventually. Not everything is positive or negative, pro or con, good or bad, right or wrong.  A great many things just are. They are interesting, or just worth noticing, without labeling. It helped me be open-minded about my new future and changed my attitude, and it took me several months to get to this stage. It really was a turning point to be able to honor my feeling without being attached to them or justify them.  But I was able to finally move beyond wherever I was stuck to a new place or new way of thinking.  It was active, so I could finally really “let go” and anticipate my recovery.

The way a PMI works is that you take an event, and you make an effort to find the good points (Plus), the bad points (Minus) and the neutral (Interesting) points .. neither good nor bad but still there in the mix. When Kevin died, it was hard, but not impossible, to find any good or Plus points: no pain for him, no fear, no expensive medical heroics, no incapacitation.  The bad or Minus points were more obvious: he was gone, I had no companion for dinner or date for New Year’s Eve, he couldn’t see his grandchildren grow up or take them hunting and fishing, my financial outlook was gouged, dog care and home maintenance became new chores for me.  On the interesting side, a challenging task, I was single for the first time in my adult life, perhaps I took it for granted that marriage is best because I was used to it, or that working for an employer or having dual income sources was safer because I had always done it that way. Two steps forward, one step back …is still forward progress.

In terms of the presidential election, I’ll admit that neither candidate seemed all that worthy to me, but they were the choices we gave ourselves. This is important to remember, since in most grief, the choice of loss is never ours to begin with, and that feeling of loss of control or helplessness is often disabling and frustrating.  On the Plus side, we get to vote in this country, and many more people got involved in the election than in the past.  We saw our first serious woman candidate. And the campaigning is over for now. I haven’t tried too hard to find more on this side. On the Minus side, the campaigning brought out the worst in not only the candidates but in their supporters and opponents.  The billions of dollars spent could have been put to much better use for people in need.  The stock market has plunged already. And the list goes on.   But then there is the Interesting side.  It is interesting that the polls and predictions were so far off.  It is interesting that the president-elect’s own party did not stand behind him publicly, yet he won. It will be interesting to see if he can deliver on his campaign promises. It will be interesting to watch how Congress responds to him. It will be interesting to find out who he selects as advisors and cabinet members, or if his nominees will be approved. It will be interesting to see if there is a sustained engagement by the people at local levels. It will be interesting to see if he can win in 4 more years, or to see who the Democrats will support then.

What Next?

This isn’t over yet. I am glad there will be a time of formal transition in Washington. This is a time when the healing begins, when we watch with curiosity, with speculation, and regain our balance.  During this time we also must take care of ourselves, put away any blame for the way it is or how things got this way, and forgive the process if it didn’t give us what we thought we wanted.  We should try and find a way to help instead of hinder the growth that can come from this. It may feel unnatural to bypass our emotional reactions, but in the best interests of our collective future, we must try.

Finally, I have learned from my introspection during this sabbatical of mine that grief doesn’t have to last forever, and love doesn’t have to die…and I mean love for ideals and dreams as much as for people. The opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference. Care as much tomorrow as you do today about what you say matters to you. If you want change, what are you willing to do to make that happen? If you want tolerance, practice tolerance. If you want a voice, act..with constructive energy. Don’t let this election drama be for naught.

Spirituality and religion

27 Thursday Oct 2016

Posted by in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

I went to church on Sunday. It’s the first time I have attended any kind of services here in Williamsburg (3 years almost) or for several years in South Dakota either.  I was raised a Roman Catholic and attended five years of parochial school from grades 3-7.  I baptized all three of my children in the Catholic faith also.  That all changed when I divorced my first husband  … well, that’s another story for another day.  Let’s say that I spent the last 35-40 years searching for an alternative, including membership in a Lutheran congregation, and occasional visits to Presbyterian, community/non-denominational, Episcopalian, Methodist, and Church of Religious Science churches. Ironically enough, I also graduated from a faith-based Benedictine college, the University of Mary, in North Dakota. Back to the nuns teaching me.  I have never turned away from the idea of God or a Higher Power, only from the dogma and man-made policies of organized churches telling me what to believe.

You see, even when I was a child going to church every day in school, I always had this belief that God knew me, and I had my own conversations with Her. Yes, even then, I thought that if I were made in the image of God, and I was a girl, then God must be a girl. That wasn’t a popular opinion, and I was conditioned through prayers and ritual to call God Him.  I still do sometimes. It’s exceptionally difficult to undo the training of our formative years. Now I believe God is both Him and Her.  Also another story.

I don’t know why I “suddenly” chose to go to church services now, but I’m glad I did.  Divine intervention, probably. LOL!  Rev. David Hicks MacPherson was the guest minister at the Williamsburg Unitarian Universalist church and gave a sermon titled “I’m Spiritual AND Religious.”  I interpreted his message (in a nutshell) to be that spirituality is about our feelings and our internal relationship with ourselves and with God.  Religion is about our actions and our external expression of our beliefs and commitment to those beliefs with other like-minded people.  It makes total sense to me. He talked about the goal of a world community with peace, liberty, love, and justice for all.  That is something I am willing to work and live for, something I want to be involved in.

Perspective is such an extraordinary thing in our lives. I may not fully understand the chain of events that make the world keep turning, or why people are like they are.  Ha! There’s a LOT I don’t know.  So I am willing to keep an open mind that the goal of a better world and my place in it is possible, and probable, and worth working toward.  The insights I got at this service were astonishing. I felt a rightness about being there. This searcher has continued to read, ponder, watch on tv and You Tube, ideas and people who share those ideas about church, religion, God, etc. I even  have a book called “I’m Spiritual, Dammit!”  And now I might be ready to be religious again. I feel good about that for some reason.