Category Archives: Gratitude

Grief after grief

31 Sunday Jul 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief

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I wrote in my previous post (4 days ago) called Shifting Gears about the declining health of my stepmom, Delores. Yesterday afternoon she slipped away at last and went to get her angel wings.  She was 86.

Last night, I could not get to sleep. It is so very easy to slide down that slippery slope to a pit that is littered with questions like Why Am I Still Here, and Why Them, and What Is The Purpose of Life???  I obsessed for hours.  From near-Acceptance of my new station in life, I tumbled backward to sadness, to confusion, to frustration, and smack into anger. I don’t get it. I. Just. Do. Not. Get. It.  What the hell is life about? I just served my sentence, just worked my way through the death of my husband. I’m done. Don’t want to do this any more. I can understand why people want to be islands, or at least go to one. Away from anyone who can hurt you again by leaving. I’m building my own wall up around my heart, and I’m getting a large Do Not Disturb sign to wear on my tee-shirt.  I’ve tried to be strong, and now I’m tired of that. But too tired to sleep.

And then I had these thoughts. About my own mother, and about Delores, and what they have taught me. Two women connected to me by my dad. They probably could have been friends at another time under other circumstances.  They were different, but they also had things in common, and not just Dad.

I know they must have had their own purposes in living, but this is what I took away from my late-night analysis.  My parents divorced in 1976, when I was 17. My mother never remarried. I rather thought she played a victim role a little too well, and I found it hard to relate to that.  Admittedly, she had other things going on in her life from time to time, things that weren’t easy, like getting cancer in 1978, which she survived. But then I got divorced.  My mom died years later, in 2002, at the age of 70, a few months after I got remarried (which was 11 years after my divorce). I compared my life to hers now and again, and I understood her a little better. When Kevin died, I gave a lot of attention to the fact that my parents lost a baby boy at 2 months old, and how that must have affected both of them, although they never talked about it.  She wasn’t around to talk about death and grief either, when Kevin died.

Delores was a widow when she married Dad. Her husband Melvin had died suddenly of a heart attack at about 50 years of age. It was around 4 years later she married my dad, who had 5 children, all teenagers or younger. Her one son was 10 years old than I was. I couldn’t relate to her much either, although I made friends with her. I mostly though of her as Dad’s Wife. And then I remarried, to a man with 3 children.  I took a lot of my Stepmother cues from Delores, because I didn’t know how else to be one. I don’t think I was as graceful as she was, but in my defense, my son was still in high school and Kevin’s son lived with us.  Anyway, when Kevin died, I gained an awareness of Delores’s life as a widow before my dad, and again after my dad died, which was 10 months before Kevin.  Suddenly, we had much more in common to talk about.

These two women.  70 and 86. How would I know that they would both teach me so much at different times about life and death, about marriage and divorce and widowhood, about family and friends, about grief, about time and that proverbial “dash between the dates.”  It seems like every time I think I’m okay, back on my feet, strong again, ready to move on, I get a nudge that pushes me just far back enough to make sure I don’t forget or get complacent about the meaning of my life and the time I have left.  I wonder about my own influencing, and not knowing for sure who or when I am impacting, I am reminded to be kind and gentle more often. To not take work (or myself) too seriously.  To take the extra days and miles to see the friends and family you almost would rather catch next time if you could. To eat ice cream whenever I feel like it, and to go to bed early if I feel like it.

It doesn’t make any sense at all for there not to be some kind of master plan. There has to be.  And not knowing what it is, I just have to keep trying, to seek the possibilities, to do big things, to play and learn and dream.  I would go crazy if I didn’t believe this. Especially today. I would like to believe Mom and Delores are friends now, and that they will together keep an eye on me, keep me upright, and keep me going.

 

 

Shifting gears

26 Tuesday Jul 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief, New Biz, Sabbatical

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You may have noticed that my twice-a-week blog posts are down to once a week, more or less.  My plan is to get on a stable schedule that gives me the flexibility of posting to my business site once a week also.  My sabbatical is not over yet, I don’t think… but it’s clear that my world is turning and the shifting gears keep me in motion quite a bit.

Bad news

There has been a little personal drama in the past week that has set me back just a bit.  My stepmother, the last link to a parent in our family, is in declining health. She fell back in early June and fractured her hip.  She had a partial replacement, but within days fell again and had to have it reset. Then she fell again and got a brace as a result. And the next time after that, she broke her nose. It’s not just the physical healing she is dealing with; it’s the after-effects of the anesthesia each time that continue to be problematic for her. She is 86 and she hasn’t been as able to get back on her feet (no pun intended) as if she was 76 or 66.  She has now been showing signs of her body shutting down, and Hospice care has been arranged. It has us all wondering if she is giving up, as we know she has been lonely and unhappy for a while since my dad died a bit over 2 years ago.  So prayers for her to be comfortable and have her pain managed during this last transition phase are asked for.

Delores

When I got the message two days ago that she was “not good,” I felt myself start to crumble.  I think I even got a little angry that she may be making a choice to give up, which was an option that Kevin didn’t have -or if he did, I didn’t recognize. That then got me to wondering if we all have this choice, and assuming we do, why anyone else thinks they have the right to insist we make the choice to stay here on this earth at this time. How very arrogant of us. So I quickly offered up a prayer for forgiveness for when I have done that.

I also got sad because she is one that keeps me still connected to my dad. When I have to let go of her, things change again even in subtle ways. Then I will be truly orphaned. Even at my age of 58 now, that just seems too much to think about.  And I know I’ve started my grieving already, although she is still here. Why is it so hard to remember that she will still be with me? Grief sure does make you think!!

There’s been a lot of death lately – Mary Jo’s dog, Rosanne’s nephew, Lorie’s dad, that I can’t help but be reminded how temporary life is.  And that thought has me impatient to make up for lost time – all the things I haven’t done yet, the places I want to go, the books I want to read.  Now I have fleeting thoughts that I should stay on my sabbatical forever (which would now likely be termed retirement).

Good work

But it’s the work I’m now starting to do that has me meeting new people and keeping me stimulated. This week already I have gone for ice cream with a new neighbor, and had lunch with a new friend Karen. Sunday I went to a meeting and got to know 6 fellow Toastmasters better as we start a year of being officers for our club together.  I went to lunch in Richmond last week with Karine to the eWomen’s Network gathering, where we both met new people – like us, women engaged in business, who want to make a difference, who are helping each other figure out the things we need to know and do. Next week I’ll be speaking at a luncheon of the Solopreneur Success Circle.  No, I’m not just keeping myself busy so I don’t have to think.  I recognize that this is my time, this is what I do to keep being me.  I’m having my kind of fun.  And yes, I know there are other kinds of fun to be had,  but for me, for now, this is pretty great.

My path

So even though the world keeps turning and I’m shifting gears along with it, I step back now and then to appreciate what I have had, what I do have, the people I’ve known and will know, the path I have been on that has lead me here and wherever I’m going. I know that Kevin and Delores have done their parts along the way, and I thank them. It’s not always easy stepping back into an active grief when you think you’re moving on, but in the Big Picture of Life, I have been so fortunate.  Even Delores’ failing health now has me exploring my thoughts and beliefs again about the meaning of life and death.  I guess I need to be reminded every now and then.  We all do, so we can make the most of what we have left, whatever that is.   Rest in comfort, Delores, until it is your time to go on to The Next Place.

 

An interview with me

14 Thursday Jul 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief, Transformation

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I don’t think I have ever posted twice on the same day, but this just came out today and am excited to share it with you. Check her website www.yvonneortega.net.  She is an author of three books.  She knows all about moving From Broken to Beautiful.  Here is her interview of me about my past year and a half as a new widow:  http://yvonneortega.net/patricia-duggan-moving-forward-in-widowhood/#comment-1759.

Second chances

30 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by in Dreaming, Gratitude, Reading, Sabbatical, Transformation

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I just finished reading a book called Life’s Golden Ticket by Brendon Burchard. Burchard is a man who survived a car accident that should have killed him, but he is alive and well.  20160630_133921The story is not about him; it’s about another man who struggles to give himself a second chance when his fiancée walks out on him.  It’s a good read; you should check it out.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about my own second chances. 20160630_133731For one thing, I love second-hand and consignment stores. I get excited at the good deals, but more than that, I really get into repurposing things and giving them a new life.  Some of my favorite finds: an old metal toolbox I have turned into a craft carry-all; a birdcage that became some yard art; a towel rack I turned into a 20160630_133818magazine rack; and a dish rack turned into file stacker. Among the best good-as-new things I have acquired include a Gillio Compagna leather planner and a massage chair.20160630_133850

And then, of course, there is my second chance at life as a solo/single woman – with kids, grandkids, dogs, and a mortgage.  Deciding what to be now, where to be, how to be…all that being unattached in a ring-finger way means.  20160630_133620This sabbatical has been such a blessing, giving me time to think, to rest, to dream, to explore, and get messy. I just see how I ever would have embarked on this journey of having my own small business if I been on the magic carpet that swept me off my feet, again.

Interestingly enough, I have planned and tested these consultant/speaker waters before. I was a freelancer back in the late 80’s, but when my safety net quit his job, I went back to a “real job.” I thought about it again when I had to write a business plan in college, but I didn’t want to do the required travel when I had kids in school. I toyed with it a little and picked up some side jobs (working vacation days) the next time I thought about it, but the travel again anchored me at home. Besides, I got very comfortable in the salary trappings.  20160630_133826

This book has come along at the exact right time. I need constant support right now to keep the flywheel of momentum spinning, propelling me forward, pushing me to open doors held by new people.  I’ve learned inspiration and support don’t always come in the form of a person or a seminar, and this book reminded me, too, that my own memories and the voices I hear in my head (my intuition, in case you are wondering) are powerful tools.  I even get to put words in Kevin’s mouth when I am really on a roll!

We all get second, and third, and fourth and more chances if we just accept what is offered…or if we ask for what we want and need. I am now thinking of them as blessings instead of screw-ups that need fixing. Each chance (or blessing) gives me the opportunity to try something new, to throw off what isn’t working, to play and imagine. In other words, to really live and keep on living.  I’m happy for my second chances. Are you?

 

This version of me

16 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief, New Biz, Transformation

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There are 11 things on my To Do list for today. Most of them were there yesterday, too, and some of them were also on the list Tuesday and Monday.  I should have come back from my trip home relaxed and refreshed and ready to do things. I came back with a handful of powerful questions AGAIN.

Should I pack up and move back to where my siblings are? Should I move closer to or very near to my children and grandchildren? How would things be different if I moved? What will my life be like if I stay?  Can I do this on my own? Now that I have stepped onto the path of The Next Thing, I should be more certain, right?

The good news is that “powerful” questions are those that empower you when you can think about them without getting overanxious, or that you can live with even when you don’t have the answers. Powerful questions propel you deeper and wider into discovering who you are, so you can BE even when you DO. This past year and a  half has seen a lot of time when I was feeling lost, which I now think means that my feelings were lost. Slow motion is not the same as slowing down. I was on autopilot way too often, and I didn’t honor my feelings. I just tried to wait them out, until I couldn’t any more.  When I realized I had to express them, and that I could express them, and I did express them, I let go of so much anxiety, fear, insecurity.  At the same time, I took in so much calmness and freshness and lightness.

Here is what it’s been like to feel my feelings just in these past couple of weeks. I was enchanted with the farmlands and the peacefulness of the Minnesota landscape. I was joyful to be riding around with my sisters, going for tats, shopping, and birthday dinner.  I was proud to have my brother show me around his workplace, and I noticed I missed male comraderie (admit it – they just think differently than women do). I was very happy to spend an evening with Kevin’s kids and grandkids, and to feel the peace of being connected to him. I felt like the old me again when I had dinner with two former co-workers who “knew me when.” And I laughed again with two good friends who knew me before I was with Kevin.  In all those ways and more, I was the old me again, and it felt good.

Then I came home Friday and jumped right into a packed schedule.  I went to an educational class on Sunday night, and I got pumped up because I learned something new, something that made sense, something that will definitely work for me. On Monday morning, I had breakfast with a good friend here, and I came away feeling so positive about myself. I spent that evening in a speaker academy class, and I was actively engaged in the discussions. Tuesday I stayed in bed with dogs until 11:30, and I loved every minute of not having to get up.  I spent part of the afternoon at the library, loving the freedom to go in the middle of the day. Wednesday I went to a networking event for women, and I met some fabulous new people and participated in a Wisdom Circle. It’s a forum I have been looking for, and I was completely satisfied I had found it.  Last night I went for ice cream with another friend and again felt a certainty about The Next Thing. I’ve read two books in two days, once sitting on my deck for an afternoon in the warm sun.  I was just doing what felt good to me.  Both here and while on my trip.

So what I know is this.  I cannot give up the wonderful flexibility of working from home, for myself.  I am willing to work hard to keep that. I have love in my life, and blossoming friendships, and intellectual stimulation…all things I need and will not give up on. I have learned to appreciate the moment, and I am pretty good these days at catching myself while in that flow as it is happening.  I have learned to slow down even while keeping busy.  I have an abundance of wonderful people and things and experiences in my life.  It doesn’t matter where I am, because this is the real me, the me I want to be.  So I will stay a little longer because I like this version of me.  I’ll just make sure to visit Minnesota (and my families) more often.

Taking care of myself

26 Thursday May 2016

Posted by in Budgeting, Gratitude, Transformation

≈ 2 Comments

For quite a while, at least since I left my job last fall for this sabbatical time, I have deprived myself of some relatively small joys.  I am not sure if it’s the money angle, or the feeling that I don’t deserve nice, new things if I’m not working.  I never used to think that my identity was tied up in my day job, but I have to give that more thought now.

I have had some cushions on the chairs on the deck for a few years. They are faded, mismatched, and getting ragged. They sure didn’t inspire me to spend much time outside.  In fact, I had thrown some on the floor so the dogs could use them as beds, and I only kept 2 chairs out. Plus a cute wire bench that was a little out of place.

Anyway, Tuesday I was over at my friend Karine’s house. She has a shady yard like me, and as we walked around, I noticed that she had oodles of plants randomly growing here and there, some of them in need of thinning. She just bought the house last December, so she hasn’t had time to work on the yard, or to even get through a season so she’d know what might pop up. I mentioned to her that I liked her hostas and was planning to get some for my yard. Hers were a different variety than the few I have. She offered for me to dig up some of hers, which I politely declined.  I wanted them, but I felt like she might have interpreted my comment as a somewhat veiled beggar’s request. She practically insisted I take some, and I was glad to finally accept her offer. Thanks, Karine, for your generosity. It’s hard to remember that sometimes you need to accept in order to gift someone with the joy of giving.

An hour later, I had cleared the area by my deck of the leaves I had not raked last fall and successfully transplanted about 7 sets of small hostas.  I even had a bag of mulch in my garage from when Kevin had been doing yard work 2 years ago. A bag I had moved and pushed and rearranged several times in the process of organizing my garage.

The new little plantings spurred me to do something about those cushions so I could enjoy my evening outdoors. I went to Home Depot and Lowes, but each of them wanted $35 for one set, and the colors this season seem to be too muted for my taste. I ended up at WalMart, where I got them for $14 each. And a rug on sale for $44.  For just a hair over $100 and some sweat, I had a refreshed look. That evening I sat outside and watched the stars make an appearance last night, and enjoying the twinkle lights I had put up last year, and in the morning I couldn’t wait to get out there and have my coffee before it got too hot.

It’s true what they say – it’s the little things that count. I’m proud of the “I did it myself” feeling I got from the transplants. And I think to have a First Class Lifestyle, as Karine is all about, I need to give myself the things that make me feel good about myself – proud of my efforts, of my good buy, and of taking care of myself. Instead of sitting out there by myself, maybe I’ll even invite some friends over to enjoy my new old deck with me.

 

My Get-A-Life Tree

21 Saturday May 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Sabbatical, Transformation

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Last year, when I was really stuck in my grief, I kept trying to “see” my way out of the sad,  dark hole I knew I was dangerously close to.  I’ve always been a fan of Vision Boards and I tried to use that as a way to keep the last flicker of hope alight. I tried reading messages of hope by others, but that didn’t work either. I tried making small goals and updated my Bucket List. What I discovered somewhere along the way was that I needed to stop trying to live in the future, and to just enjoy today. After all, “we know not the hour,” as the saying goes. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, as I learned first-hand.

My thinking kept coming back to the idea that I had to get a life…not a new life, but more like getting back to my old life somehow. I started making lists of things I could do if I wanted to do them, like take my motorcycle out and go riding. I also listed things I used to do that I hadn’t done in a while, that I could do again, such as canoeing or kayaking, or bowling or dancing.  Then I made a list of things I might enjoy if I tried them, like solo camping, or sailing.  And then I made a list of things I just knew I didn’t want to do again, like rollerblading!  Just the exercise of making these lists got me interested in life again, and gave me stops on memory lane to enjoy rather than only my time with Kevin and the things we were not longer going to be able to do together.

I never have thought of myself as a creative person, although I have enjoyed doing crafts, and coloring, and visualizing.  One day I found myself with some crayons and paper and my lists.  I had been doing mind-mapping exercises for a work project I was on, and I mapped out these lists.  This is what I came up with.

tree2

For weeks, I would look at that and remember the me I used to be and think about the me I wanted to be.  As you can see, I added a branch for travel, and I organized into categories. I was content to just have the list and know that I could do these things if I wanted.

Days turned into months, and soon I was approaching the one year anniversary of Kevin’s passing, and that was also nearing the time I used to make New Year’s Resolutions. I combined my resolutions and my bucket list with some goals.  It came out like this.

wish list 2016

It wasn’t very pretty, and I didn’t feel inspired.  I tacked it to my bulletin board and let it sit. One day, spring arrived, and I had a new idea.  I had been on my sabbatical and given myself some time to catch up on my sleep and let my body recover from the roller coaster ride it had been on.  I was washing dishes when I fixated on some holiday ornaments that had been overlooked and were on my kitchen windowsill.  They were three Santas, holding signs that said Live, Love, Laugh.  Only I saw Live, Love, Matter.  And I knew what I had to do.

I got back out my paper and colored pens, and this time I drew my future. I took pieces of my various lists and put them into new categories, of how I could know I was living, loving, and mattering.  The new result was this.

tree1

I knew that if I did these things, and thought of them as signposts along the way, I would be able to redesign my life, while at the same time, achieving progress toward my definition of a successful life.

It’s not on the list, but this past week I found myself doing something I hadn’t done in a very long time – pre-Kevin, in fact. I used to go on work trips and find a day before or after whatever event I was attending to explore the area on my own and do a little window shopping. For some reason, once I met Kevin, I denied myself this pleasure; maybe because he wasn’t there to share it with me so I stopped.  But in DC I took the early train instead of the late train, and after checking into the hotel, I caught a trolley and explored Old Town Alexandria and the waterfront. I had a late lunch at Madelaine’s, and I window shopped for a couple of hours. I eventually made my way to a store called Sacred Circle, home of new-thought-type books, tarot card readers, and all things metaphysical. I splurged on a book on Japanese art of decluttering (not feng shui) and an  Oracle card deck to provide me “immediate access” to my Divine Spirit.

I can’t tell you how much joy this little afternoon sojourn brought me. Something I had been carrying around in my head disappeared and I actually felt lighter as I walked along the cobblestoned streets. I stopped in another store to have a manicure and pampered myself. Whatever path I am on was reinforced. All my past drama and stress gave way to light and peace.

My work in DC went exceptionally well after that. I had been resisting returning to my former familiar work environment of courts, but I discovered a new sense of pride in being able to share my experiences and helping others on their way to  becoming the leaders of tomorrow in their courts.

I am grateful that my life has come full circle.  Or rather, has come around on this part of the spiral and has propelled me forward to a renewed future. Kevin, I thank you and my Divine Spirit for this gift.  My card today says it’s time to take charge of my life. You have to love the Spirit’s sense of humor.

rebel

Planes, trains and automobiles

15 Sunday May 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Uncategorized

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What is it about trains?? I love them. It’s Sunday morning, and I’m traveling to D.C. area for work. Let me count the ways.

  1. As long as you are at the train station before the train leaves, you are on time. No getting there an hour early to check in.
  2. You can buy your ticket on Friday to leave on Sunday, or even Sunday morning, and the price is the same as if you bought it a few weeks earlier.
  3. You can take your cup of coffee or unfinished bottle of water with you on the train.
  4. You can take ALL your stuff with you. As long as you can lift your bag(s). No other weight limits, or size limits, or allowances for how many personal items.
  5. You can buy coffee, cookies, donuts, bagels, pizza, burgers, hot dogs, and a menu of other items if you want, on board.
  6. There are only two seats on either side of the aisle. This means you have adequate room in the seat, plus the aisles are wide enough to walk through facing forward.
  7. No seat belt demonstrations. In fact, no seat belts.
  8. Leg room! There is probably a foot of space yet between my knee and the seat back in front of me.
  9. I can get up any time I want and walk around, even between cars.
  10. The windows are large enough to look out of and get a panoramic view. And no one else can shut you off from the view by pulling the shade down.
  11. 230 people don’t stand up at the same time to get off the train.
  12. There are no zones or special red carpets for boarding. First come, first served.
  13. You are trusted. The ticket guy doesn’t come around until you are already on your way, instead of making you juggle things at the door to get on.
  14. You can throw away your trash when you want.
  15. If you buy something to drink, you get the whole can.
  16. If you decide to change seats, you move. Or you can keep your seat and go sit in the club car to eat or read or talk to others or play a game of cards at a table, or just to move around because you feel like it.
  17. You get to see the real country: the back sides of stores and houses, the part of towns you would miss from the highway or the sky.
  18. You can turn around in the restroom, with space to spare.
  19. No turbulence. Just gentle swaying.
  20. Free wi-fi.
  21. I don’t have to drive. Or park.

I love traveling by train. Do you?

Abundance abounds

09 Monday May 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief, Transformation

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Last week was an incredible (as in amazing, not unbelievable, because I do believe) week in terms of abundance making its way to me. I have been focusing on having a lifestyle full of abundance: abundant health, abundant friends, abundant money and other gifts, abundant love. Let me tell you about three messages I received that validate how not only the Law of Attraction works, but how the world works. I didn’t just manifest these things, I truly believe these are proof that the Universe responds to what we need.

Linda

First, I got a phone call from my friend Linda. We were both court administrators back in the mid-to- late 90’s, in the same judicial district in Minnesota.  I left there in 2000, and she retired not to long after that.  We managed to see each other once during these intervening years, and there has also been the infrequent phone call and, of course, Facebook.  Last week Tuesday she called me and told me how much she loves reading this blog. In fact, she wanted to know when I would turn it in to a book she can buy because she wants to give it as a gift. Her brother passed away recently, and she thinks her sister-in-law could use some support.  I was thrilled to hear from her, sad about the brother, and flattered by her encouragement to continue my efforts. You might think this was a bit of a random call (but it wasn’t, according to the Universe); it came  at a time when I have been in need of support for starting my own business. I felt validated.  Thanks, Linda!

Pauly

Then, on Wednesday night, I got another “random” phone call. Pauly was a very good friend of my mother, and she lost her husband after a 5 year battle with cancer about a year ago.  I have been friendly with Pauly, see her occasionally at family events (the last time was a year ago at my niece’s wedding).  I must have been outside with dogs and missed the call but she left me a voice mail message that said this:

“I just felt moved to tell you that I appreciate your blog and I appreciate what you are doing with your business.  You are really an inspiration and I want to thank you. I hope you continue to do well.  You’re helping me to get along with my – whatever you want to call it – widowship? or whatever it is. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you.” 

How amazing is that?  I called her back the next night, and we had a lovely conversation.  She also has a step-daughter who recently suffered a loss, and she hopes she will at least read the blog if not talk to me for that necessary listening ear. I felt “right,” like I am on the right path. Thanks, Pauly! (I saved your voice mail.)

Carol

But that’s not all.  Saturday I went to a Toastmasters speech contest in Chesapeake, about 60 miles or so from here. I met a woman named Carol, who has light black hair like me, except she puts purple streaks in hers.  (Oh, yes, I am considering it!)  We hit it off instantly, and it turns out she lost her husband two weeks after Kevin passed away.  We agreed to have lunch soon. Yesterday morning I got this email from her:

“When I met you yesterday, it was like looking in a mirror of my life. I was so surprised and delighted to know you are working through the same things I am for the same reasons. I have so got to get to know you better. I am not going to overwhelm you. I just wanted to know how you are doing some  of the things you are into.”

I felt needed, like I have something of value to share with her. And it’s all good, no pity-parties planned.  Thanks, Carol! (I saved your email.)

Abundant blessings and gratitude

So here I am, looking to feed my soul, and along come three amazing women all in one week, to offer nourishment.  I am so grateful for their friendship, their messages, and their timing. And I am doubly grateful that I am in a place emotionally and intellectually where I can recognize this blessing.  Thank you, God!!  And all because Kevin passed to the next place.  I miss you still, and I think of you all the time, but mostly, I thank you for showing me who I can be.  This business thing was our plan for quite a while, and now I’m doing it! A year ago I couldn’t see this as an option, but now I can’t see how I missed it. I was blessed to have you in my life, and I’m now blessed by you. PS-I trust the money wlll follow soon.  ;o)

 

Life’s Highway

20 Wednesday Apr 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Reading, Sabbatical

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Here’s an intriguing thought I’ve been pondering this week: where is my slow switch?!?  I must have one, but apparently it’s not easy to find. I have no doubt that the lane I was in on life’s highway was a passing lane (by default, a fast lane), heading where I didn’t really want to go, but I couldn’t see any exit signs. So I went and went and went, like the Energizer Bunny. Until I just ran out of juice. Today is the  5 month mark since I left my job, and I’m STILL not too good at being fully present in the moment.  I like being active, I like learning, I like puzzles and challenges.  It seems like I’m still making daily choices between “go” or “stop.” Where is my “coasting” gear?

In a backwards way, this week I have tried to coast, with mixed results. camping 1sst timeOn Sunday  I took my camper out on her inaugural trip. I came back home for things I forgot (can opener for the baked beans, and charcoal, among others) on Monday.  Tuesday (yesterday)  I came back for a short conference call for a work assignment I have accepted for next month, and dog food.  Now I am home again for a Go To Meeting this afternoon.  Tomorrow I will pack up and come home. Unless I extend for a few more days.

I definitely have upgraded my thinking for a smoother ride and greater flexibility in avoiding the potholes or construction zones on this Reimagined Life  Highway.( I have taken time to read 4 books in the past 3 days. One was called “Crones Don’t Whine.”)  I am ready to scoot myself back into the flow, only this time I will rely on my personal GPS to get me around. I will take the exits to Reflection and Exploration, and especially to Acceptance. (And the next campground will have a pond or lake or river or something.)  I am sure I will sometimes take the Express Lane and sometimes I will take the scenic routes; if I also take a few detours that will be just fine.  As much as I am able, I will trust that that is where I need to be.  Intellectually, I know that life is full of possibilities and that the world is my oyster, so to speak.  Figuring out what I really want to do and how to do it continues to be a challenge, mostly because I want it all!!

Camping is not the same without Kevin, but nothing is the same without Kevin.

Vaughn learning how to clean fish
Eww! Buddy kissing Kevin

Yet it gives me confidence that if I wanted to, I could take off and do some major traveling in her, and I’d be fine.  Camping used to be our weekend get-away, our chance to let go of the accumulated stress and spend some time together or with family.  Now I don’t have a lifestyle I need to escape, so I’m treating it as a guilty pleasure.  Being able to identify my feelings is another huge accomplishment for me, and being grateful is an especially good feeling to have.

What about you? Are you a fast lane, slow lane, highway or byway, kind of person?  Do you make time for the scenic overlooks now and then?  Or do you need the conditions to be perfect to even begin? I’m learning that reimagining my life is more of a doing thing, trying this and that, and then trying some more .  As Max De Pree said, “You cannot become what you want to be by remaining what you are.”  I still don’t know what that is exactly, but for me,  I’m not waiting to get started finding out.