Category Archives: Gratitude

Drinking from a fire hose

16 Saturday Apr 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief, Transformation

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As I have been learning about starting a speaking business, I keep circling back to what my core message is, who my target audience is, and what kind of problem I am trying to solve. And circle I do, round and round and round. I wish I had Kevin here again to steady me and catch me when I get dizzy.

Cory Mosley: Presence Principle

This morning I attended an NSA session on being “credible, likeable, and bankable.”  A lot of good stuff from Cory Mosley on the Presence Principle.  He talked quite a bit about use of social media (Meerkat? Anchor? Blab? Medium??), all of which I know not enough, apparently.  And then he talked about content distribution on personal blogs, radio, 3rd party blogs, tv, published columns, and online video.(What?!? I’m just a one-person shop right now.)  And written testimonials, video testimonials, audio testimonials, and online testimonials. (Yikes! Do I need more equipment?)  Check out corymosley.com.  He’s got some great information, and was worthwhile listening to. I was scribbling notes as fast as I could write.

Harold Wood: speech critique

In the afternoon, our Speaker Academy class had a session with Harold Wood of www.motivationalentertainer.com.  His goal was to help us further develop our message, add some pizazz to our presentations, and become more memorable to our audiences.  He succeeded! My task was to give a 5 minute presentation (yes, only 5 minutes) for him to critique. I did my speech on generating ideas for your bucket list. I used the fact of Kevin’s death as a prompt to think about what your eulogy might offer, and how we take for granted having time to accomplish our bucket list.  My 5 minutes were up before I got half-way through my speech.  On the plus side, I kept my emotions together while talking about Kevin’s premature death.  On the downside, once Harold started telling me what he liked about the speech and how powerful he thought it was (and offering his condolences), I teared up and struggled to regain my composure. In the end, what he had to offer was very useful feedback, and I’m glad I had it all recorded so I could remember what he said in my moments of feeling vulnerable. He urged me to turn my speech into a keynote and to market my catch-phrases.

Brendon Burchard: I liked his words too much!

As soon as I got home tonight, I looked up the availability of my key words. Taken!  In fact, a very well-known author and speaker has used the exact phrases I used in my overall theme.  I can only surmise that someone told me these same words, or I heard them somewhere else, in the early days of my grieving, or when I was thinking of starting my own business several years ago (since he wrote them in 2011).  I’m glad they stuck with me, since they still give me comfort and inspiration now.  They are “live, love, matter” and the author is Brendon Burchard (MillionaireMessenger.com).    But now I can’t use them, at least not the same way I had planned.

Me: still not 100% sure

The bottom line is, participating in this Speakers Academy (nsavirginia.org) has been like drinking from a fire hose every month, and all month long between sessions.  It excites me to consider the possibilities, and I am grateful that the members are so generous with their time and experiences in helping us wannabes get a foot in the door.  I have waffled back and forth  about using my grief experience/transformation as my main topic for development, or sticking in the business lane of court management, which I have done for 25 years.  Either way, a business is a business, and I have much to learn and absorb and explore.  And a mortgage to pay every month.

It seems like the fire hose is always on, full force; there is no out-of-water, roll it up and put it away break.  Every time I go to a class or NSA meeting, I get charged up.  I can’t wait to spend time thinking about it and trying out the ideas.  Before I can get too far, though, it’s time for the next session, and there is so much more to add to the lists I am compiling.

Kevin: you are always on my mind

It’s times like this when I wish Kevin were here, telling me that it will all be okay. I remember when I was working on my ICM Fellows certification, and I was frustrated that my survey results weren’t computing, which meant my research was off kilter. He had no idea what I was talking about, but he patiently listened, and then tried to fix it – which as you might guess, was NOT what I wanted.  But he helped me through it nonetheless. And many other similar “crises” over the years. I guess I am moving out of the wandering-around zone toward my new-life zone now, though, because I can remember these times and they lift me up instead of bringing me down to not have him here by my side…in my world. I am thankful for the time we did have, instead of mourning that the clock stopped.

 

Bows and arrows, and Gibran

04 Monday Apr 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Sabbatical

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“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. … You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.”  Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet.

It’s another beautiful day in Los Angeles today, where I’m staying with my daughter and her family.  Of course, almost all days in LA are beautiful, to a visitor.  Flowers are in bloom, grass and shrubbery are green, the wind is almost non-existent, the sun is bright and warm. I had similar thoughts in Ventura when I was at my son’s. I went to the beach, downtown, exploring the city.  But I’ll guess there are plenty of people who don’t see it quite that way, at least not every day.

For example, I was reminded early this morning what it’s like to be a mother of young children. When I got out of bed at 7:30, my daughter had made breakfast for her girls and done the dishes, gotten dressed, put a load of laundry in the washer, and was on her way out the door to take one to school. Last week I was on Grandma duty, getting a 3 year old ready and taking him to preschool, playing basketball later, fixing dinner, giving a bath. Luckily, I had a list of get-ready tasks! It’s a challenge to stay mindful when there is so much to be responsible for and the clock keeps ticking away.

The memories of my days getting three kiddos ready for school (and/or daycare), making lunches,  and taking off to my own job came back to me in a hurry.  I don’t suppose I gave it a lot of deep thought then.  I just did what I had to do. Sometimes I was relieved just to get to the office so I could stop being on hyper-alert and calm myself down. Evenings were much the same. Drive home in traffic, pick up kids, make supper, do dishes, check homework, tidy up, makes notes for the next day, and fall into bed. I know for certain that I never thought it wasn’t worth it, even when they were teenagers!

I kept that routine up in one fashion or another, with and without husband help, with stepchildren, and with puppies that needed potty-training, and through moving and jobs and school and grief, until I started this sabbatical. It’s amazing that one can go on semi-auto pilot for nearly 40 (!)  years and not realize the full toll. It’s fortunate we get the installment plan, for I don’t think I could have or would have made the same choices I made then if I knew then what I know now.  That lifestyle served me then and I became who I am because of it.  I am ever so grateful now to be who I am today, with an appreciation for the past AND for the present AND for the future yet to be. My sabbatical has given me the space for this.

I am grateful for daughters and sons who now are showing me other ways of parenting and just being in relationship with their siblings and spouses and friends. And I am also grateful that I can show them, and my grandchildren, that life goes on and we keep getting to make choices and change our minds. As  Gibran also said, “You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”  My arrows have gone swift and far.  But my work is not done. I must remember that I am also an arrow of my own parents’ bows. I am still fulfilling Life’s longing for itself through me. My soul also dwells in the house of tomorrow.

It’s good to be reminded and to remember.

Priorities clear today

31 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by in Dreaming, Gratitude, Sabbatical

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WIN_20160331_190929 (2)There’s nothing like children (or grandchildren in my case) to help one keep things simple and stay focused on the present moment.  I’m reminded that this is what’s important – life. Period.  It’s about being happy, not seeing how much we can get done in a day.  I took Nikos to preschool today, and then found the local Starbucks. I realized I was enjoying my coffee much more in the sunshine here in Ventura, with nothing else to do, than if I were at home and had a list of things on my desk waiting for me.

We’ve been playing a 3-year old’s version of basketball. He’s ahead 183 to 12.  He says to me, “Grandma, you’re just not very good!”  We’re also eating PJ&J, and laughing at silly things, anticipating the Clipper’s game and “basketball pasta” for supper.  Except for updating this blog, the only other task I’ve even attempted to do today is call a friend for some catch-up time.  I could feel the little stress I do have these days just slide off my shoulders as we talked, feet up, with a cuppa at my fingertips.  Life is so much better when I’m not hurrying, and when I’m daydreaming a little.  Even though I’m on a sabbatical, a vacation is a good thing! I’m grateful for all of this.

My awareness is showing!

28 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Sabbatical, Transformation

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Now that I have made the decision to start my own business as an author/speaker and consultant, the internal machinery has kicked in to support this. But I have suddenly gone from enjoying a sabbatical where I read and relaxed and spent a fair bit of time thinking, to having lists and making appointments and keeping my fingernails short because of all the computer work.  I feel the pressure to produce, to justify the time off I know I desperately needed, and to position myself as competitive in this endeavor.There are a million things to learn, such as how to position myself, and to do, such as develop a marketing strategy, among the obvious tasks, such as making a list of potential clients and working to refine my speech scripts. My inner businesswoman is kicking and yelling at me to slow down.

Why can’t I just stay in the easy flow of forward progress, instead of trying to force a rapid outcome? I think this is one of my challenges, to keep me from burnout (again?).  If I have to have a schedule, and apparently I do, then I must schedule time for me.  Time to read and think and drink tea, instead of skimming headlines and gulping my coffee.  Time to express myself creatively in doodling, to enjoy whatever I’m doing. To be for the sake of being, instead of do for the sake of doing.

Even an upcoming  short trip to visit my kids and grandkids is becoming a production of laundry, lists for the house/dog sitter about mail and meds and plants, making sure bills are paid ahead of time and that trash gets out and my hair gets cut and the milk is used up so it won’t spoil and smell up the refrigerator. I have gone from zero to sixty things to do in a single morning.

The good news is that my awareness of how I am responding to this pressure has become recognizable sooner. I’m grateful for that positive change in me.  Rather than flopping onto the bed exhausted tonight, I am already consciously making myself slow down so I can anticipate the trip and get some quality time with Buddy and Bo.  I’m even marking up my calendar for when I get back home so that I have catch-up time before I dive into the To Do lists again.( I think  a massage is definitely going to be  in order then!)

That is one of my keys to getting more enjoyment out of life…being aware of what’s happening when it’s happening and then choosing a preferred response instead of running around in confusion and settling for a default lifestyle. I used to have Kevin to take care of the details of home and dog care when I was traveling.  As I accept that it’s now all on me, I have to approach my planning differently.  In that sense, my sabbatical has been successful.  I know more about what I want when I want it.  And right now, I just want to be one of those people who seems to float through her days, calm and not so much in control as accepting of what unfolds, aware it will all turn out fine. It always does, even though it’s just me now.

 

The Swiss Cheese Remedy

10 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by in Dreaming, Gratitude, Sabbatical, Transformation, Uncategorized

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Well, I AM feeling better today, thankfully.  And yesterday was better than the weekend’s funky days, too.  If you read to the bottom, you’ll see why…or at least, what helped.

I’m one of those people who has a bit of trouble trying to just let things be; I usually have an urge to fix things.  If that doesn’t work, I avoid it completely, usually with some kind of distraction like retail therapy or running away.  Running away doesn’t usually help, because you can’t run away from yourself; wherever you go, you’re still there!

That’s why Kevin was such a great partner; he helped me keep it between the ditches of the crooked roads. When I was tempted to wallow, he wouldn’t let me get away with that. When I wanted to try a zillion things to find a cure, he pulled me back and encouraged me to focus on a reasonable one or two.  So in this recent funk, I again turned to him for advice.

What came to me while I was making myself a cheese sandwich for lunch (yes, true story) was that I needed to break this down .. this feeling of being overwhelmed and down and out.  I wanted to figure out if there was a trigger that I could disable for the future.  I didn’t come up with anything specific, but I did have some productive outcomes from my efforts.

First, I made a breakfast date with my friend Diane.  A chocolate chip pancake is always a good idea!  Having someone to bounce ideas off of is also a good idea.  She was telling me about her recent trip to see her mother, who was evaluating options for moving into senior living center.  Ultimately, they mind-mapped what it would take for Mom to feel joyful if she stayed in her own home.  (Key words: feel, joyful.) They then added dates for certain things to be done, and voila! they are already making progress.

That gave me an idea, which became my second step.  I have used mind-mapping and vision board techniques in the past, so I came up with a hybrid plan, sort of.  On March 15 of 2015, almost a year ago, as I was fighting to see a solo future for myself, I had written in my journal what my dream life might be like, what a great day would be like.  I described my bedroom when I woke up, the weather outside, how I would begin my day, who my friends were and what I did for family time, the kind of meals I ate, the activities of the day, my work, etc.  Yesterday I got out a different colored pen from what I had written in, and I checked off those things that I have in place already: getting up between 7 and 8 am, in a spacious, comfortable, calm, restful bedroom that is one of 4 bedrooms in a spacious, comfortable, calm, restful house; walking for an hour with the dogs, not in a hurry to get home to get ready for work; meditating or reading for a while; no commute except to walk down the hall to my home office for work that didn’t feel like work.  You get the idea.  By and large, I could check off nearly all of the things on that list.  Among what is still waiting for fulfillment is the engaged, positive, productive clientele I have in my coaching business, or the financial serenity of a reliable income stream and nice cushion in my bank account.

I decided for now to first focus on what I have, not on what I don’t have.  I headed to the tubs I keep my vision board supplies in.  While I listened to Simon & Garfunkel sing Bridge Over Troubled Water, I cut out pictures of houses with pools and green yards; a healthy looking, active woman; a few whimsical things to enhance my yard appeal.  I spent some time imagining what it would feel like to be in those pictures. I wanted to imprint those feelings.

Then I moved on to the business I don’t have yet, the future that can and will be mine now that it’s all up to me.  I had actually recently done a vision board for a speaker’s academy that I enrolled in. Here is what that looks like.vision board

Because I had the time, I spent a couple of hours skimming through magazines, Facebook and Pinterest. I had another fun idea.  I made myself an affirmation slideshow (using PowerPoint) that I can click on and watch any time I want to.  Click below if you want to see that.  (Once PowerPoint opens, click on “slide show” and then “from the beginning.”  It’s not Academy-Award footage, but it makes me smile.  You can guess what the theme was.

Pat’s affirmation show.

The important thing is that taking action, but not too much at one time, helped me push my way forward.  By poking holes (like Swiss cheese) in my funk, I gained more clarity about what I want.  Sometimes it’s productive to help other people so you don’t dwell on your own problems, but sometimes you have to help yourself. I woke up feeling good today.

Gratitude for the Walking Wounded

02 Tuesday Feb 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief

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The first thing that made my gratitude prayers yesterday was that I had been given the opportunity to be of service to someone else. About grief and moving on. Twice recently, and again last night.

The first time, a woman I do not know was referred to me by a mutual friend. She lost her husband a few months back and was struggling to make sense of her life now. The woman didn’t ask me for anything except to be her Facebook friend. She needed someone who has been where she is.  When she is ready for more, I’ll be here for that, too.  This blog has been helpful to her, and for that I am thankful.

The second was a former coworker I had the chance to catch up with.  A 1-1/2 hour phone call was hardly enough time, but we covered a lot of ground.  Among other things we talked about was that she felt I had been a mentor to her and she encouraged me to consider writing about that.  She helped me see value in my past experiences.

Then last night a friend contacted me and asked for advice. Her daughter suffered the loss of her baby boy a while back. She is pregnant again now, and has another child as well.  My friend is at her wit’s end trying to help with the granddaughter, providing a home for the daughter, being with her own mother who lives nearby, and paying attention to her own marriage. She needs support to put her own needs on this list of people she is nurturing.

It occurred to me again how we are all walking wounded, carrying our own crosses, so to speak. Some of us are able to put them in a pocket or a purse. Some of us have to use both hands, and some of us have chains to drag them along with us. We can’t always tell what that cross looks like because we can’t see it; we don’t know how heavy it is; we don’t know if someone needs or wants help if they don’t ask.  And even when help is offered, it is hard to share or hand over our cross because we think the other person has their own cross, too.  The interesting thing is that I can set my own cross down while I am helping someone else.  There are times I don’t even realize I have forgotten to pick my cross back up, or when I do, it’s not as heavy as I remembered.

It’s one thing to ask for help, and then it’s another to receive it. I’m at that place where I am doing both again – I’m not stuck in one place any longer.  Asking for help is a sign of strength; it means we are strong enough to know we need help and that we are trusting the world is ultimately a good place and the helper is a good person.  Being allowed to help is also a gift. It lets us show how much we care.  It lets us feel strong because we are needed.  And it helps us understand how our own past needs or experiences have led us to being able to help now.

You know who you are – thank you for sharing your stories with me and asking me to listen or letting me help.  You  have helped me take another step forward in my own recovery.  Today I ask for the opportunity to be of service again, to help make the world a better place, to help the wounded get better.