It started with winter weather

We had some winter weather here in Virginia last week. Depending on where you were, the snowfall was around 8″, give or take a few. Temperatures dropped to single digits. Everything shut down for a few days, and I mean everything. Schools are still closed since there isn’t much in the way of  street-cleaning machinery and the busses can’t get around. My neighbor had frozen pipes in her house, and one of my own dogs refused to go outdoors for you-know-what.

I’m a Midwest girl, having grown up in Minnesota, and as an adult having spent many years in South Dakota.  I simply put on my Cuddleduds, which is “base clothing for layering” (also known as long underwear), heated up the apple cider and threw in some Red Hots, flipped the switch to turn on the fireplace, and snuggled up with the dogs to do some reading while the crockpot cooked my Taterflower soup.  When I went out for fresh air, I wore a below-knee length down coat, gloves, a hat, and a scarf. And snow boots.  The wind only blew that first day, and after it stopped snowing a day later, the sky has been blue and the sun has been shining.

While many are complaining, I find it somewhat amusing. But that’s because my point of reference is different from theirs. People here are not used to cool temperatures, much less below-freezing days. They don’t have – or if they have it –  they don’t wear appropriate clothing.

It snowed last Thursday, and the weekend was when the cold front moved in. By Monday the temps were in the 40’s, yesterday they were about 50, and tomorrow is supposed to be in the mid-60’s.  I knew that the snow would melt soon enough and planned to save myself the strain of shoveling. But some neighborhood boys, probably freshly-minted teenagers, came around looking to make a few dollars.  We’ve all heard about today’s kids and how lazy and self-centered they are, always plopped in front of a video game or growing a hunchback from bending over their cellphones. Here were three enterprising kids, willing to work for money, providing a needed service. I was more than happy to reward their spirit, their way of showing us that not all kids are hard to get a long with.  They wanted $30, which was $10 each, but all I had in my wallet was $29 – truly! Fortunately, I had just taken a pan of chocolate-chip cookies out of the oven, so we made a deal. In my experience, kids like food almost as much as they like money!

I can appreciate that swift shift to a milder winter, but for many here, it’s not soon enough. They haven’t lived through a winter that starts in October and ends in April, or one that has dropped 120″ of snow on you, or one where “snirt” is a real word (it’s dirt and snow that results from constant winds). They haven’t had to slice open a snow drift that is knee high and packed in like concrete where the garage meets the house. They probably have never climbed out a window to shovel their way to the front door . Yes, I have, so I know how bad it could have been and wasn’t.  It’s sort of like “you don’t miss the water til the well runs dry,” but not really. It’s more like you don’t know how good this is until you’ve survived a flizzard (yes, flood & blizzard) that forced you to sandbag your house during a snowfall.

I had lunch with some neighbors yesterday. Cabin fever had set in and most were anxious to get out. As we shared news from other neighbors who had gone south for the winter (ha!), I realized it’s not the just the weather that I view differently. My point of reference on many things is vastly different from theirs.

Innocent til proven guilty?

As you may know, my career was spent working for the judicial system. My views on true/false or good/bad or judgment or passion or blame or “rights” are all influenced by what I saw and heard and know.  It’s unfortunate that the court of public opinion seems to hold more sway than reality these days. Sensationalism sells, and with the proliferation of online instant access, waiting for the facts isn’t in vogue. I tend to stay out of the fray much of time, taking a wait-and-see approach, preferring to form my own opinions rather than have someone tell me “the way it is.” I have enough life experiences of my own now, and less of a need to rush to judgment, to get on the bandwagon too soon. Admittedly, I sometimes go days without checking the news at all. The advantage is that I don’t get depressed or desensitized by the headlines Usually there is better information (and thus a more complete story) by the time I check in.

Mishaps, setbacks, and tragedies

My point of reference (and my reactions today) for  medical emergencies, for example, is based on my experience as a parent, and since it takes a village, my quasi-parental role as an aunt and friend. There were broken bones,  car accidents, cuts caused by running into barbed wire fences and metal flashing sticking out of a well house cover, an axe that sliced open the top of a foot when chopping wood, and a successful suicide (but also some unsuccessful attempts), an accidental overdose, and a few DUIs. I know the difference between a mishap, a setback, and a tragedy.

Similarly, each death of a grandparent or cousin or uncle or friend built up my storehouse of experiences to call upon when my heart was bruised or broken. From failed relationships, to disappointment in  my parents or a boss, to the death of my husband and  even my dog, I have a place I can go to in my own little world and reflect on what else could have happened but didn’t.

Good stuff, too

Not all comparisons are bad, of course. There is good ice cream, and then there is real Italian gelato eaten on a cobblestone sidewalk in Florence. There is having an old Ford conversion van or upgrading to a brand new 5th wheel travel trailer. There is the ocean and the mountains. There is a karaoke in a bar that reveals a pleasant surprise, and professionals like Josh Groban or Miranda Lambert, but then there is the purest of joys when your kids video a roadtrip sing-a-long in the car on their way to Christmas vacation.

My point is, life is to be lived. If you do some living, your points of reference expand, making things more tolerable and enjoyable and meaningful. A week of winter weather becomes a few bonus days to clean out the closets or do some home cooking or have nothing better to do than read a book while snuggled with the dogs by the fire.

Live the good life

I say, bring it on!  I’d love to have a new perspective on what it’s like to live my tiny camper for a month or two, or to gain a sense of accomplishment from having traversed the back roads for a few thousand miles. I think it’s when we are alone with our thoughts for a while that we can more fully appreciate not only the beauty around us but the goodness within us. I plan to do some more living this year. And so when you ask me what I think about something, I might just have to ask in reply, “compared to what?”

Of course, you know I love you.  That’s what we expect to hear when someone hints at “3 little words.” Usually we want someone else to say those words to us. Or we say them to someone else.  But what about saying it to yourself? I’m trying to do that every day, by way of coming up with one thing I’ve done well today.  Here are some more that have been on my mind.

License and registration.  (That one because I was driving past the State Police HQ when I was thinking of sentences with only 3 little words. Really! It’s been years since those words were said to me.)

I am enough.  (I have been telling this to myself quite often lately. When I don’t have any paying work lined up, it helps to remind myself that I get to make up my own rules about work and naps and expectations and all that jazz.)

Can I help? (Good enough, but if I were doing 4 words, it would read How can I help? When I need to feel useful, or when I see someone in need, although I have to be careful to avoid going from helping to interfering.  Listening is actually a skill and one that is often overlooked. I’m trying to do more of it.)

Yes, you can. (Accepting help is sometimes hard for me. And it also works when supporting others and helping them give themselves permission for whatever.)

I like it! (Another way to approve of myself, to reinforce that I have made a good decision or that my opinion counts.)

You showed courage. (When I don’t have another response to someone else’s openness and honesty, or when I need to bolster my own self esteem.)

That looks good. (A way to build my confidence when I’ve already managed to knock myself about my weight, or a troublesome haircut, or a new recipe, or any number of things.)

I am enough. (Worth repeating multiple times. When I feel insecure, when I think I am lacking something, when I feel like someone bought into my b.s. and I am a fraud and they will find out.)

Home, sweet home. (When I have to make another mortgage payment and funds are getting low so I’m thinking I should consider downsizing. Or it looks like a water stain on the ceiling that could mean a leak somewhere, and I let my imagination go wild about the cost when I’m not yet even sure of the cause. I have to live somewhere, so why not here in this lovely house that I have worked hard to make a home.)

Thank you, God … or Thank you, Whoever.  (It’s not just a common courtesy expression. I mean for it to be an expression of true gratitude. Sometimes it comes out “Oh, my God!” I used to only thank God for the BIG things that happened, or didn’t happen. But I heard someone ask “what if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for last night?” So now I am thankful for much much much more! And it seems to help me be positive, calm, and more sure that I will continue to receive because I have already received and am receiving, all the time.)

WTF or WTH??!?  (‘Nuff said about that. Usually means I’m not focusing.)

Just do it.  (When I am floundering, wavering, scared. Often followed with, “What’s the worst that could happen?)  (The corollary is Just say No! which I use when I’m feeling overwhelmed, or when I want to be free and lazy and unencumbered and I just don’t want to. It turns out that “No” is a complete sentence. You don’t even need to give an explanation if you don’t want to.)

Work in Progress.  (That’s me in a nutshell. I remind myself of this every single day. I even wrote it on a few Post-It notes and stuck them around the house so I can see it as well as hear it.)

And finally: Bless your heart!  (A common phrase here in the South, and it means just what you think it does. When it is said like Bless your little ol’ heart, that means the same thing but more of it.  In Minnesota, we might say: Well, that’s interesting! It’s noncommittal, but it carries a lot of intention, especially when accompanied by rolling one’s eyes.)

Three-syllable words, sentences with more than three words, paragraphs with more than three sentences…yeah, I’m trying to simplify my life right now, so I’m working on little-izing instead of supersizing. Do you have any particular 3-little-words you want to share? I bet it would be fun and maybe useful to know yours.

When is the last time you had one of those days, the kind where After All That’s Happened, you had a simply peaceful, just-right, nothing-is-going-to-stop-me-from-feeing-this-good kind of day?  It’s like having a sore muscle or pinched nerve relieved with a massage, and now you can’t remember what the discomfort was like. It feels that right. It’s a bit of a it’s-finally-coming-together kind of day.

Today is one of those days for me, just simply fabulous. The funny thing is, there is nothing exotic about it except for its fabulousness. It’s not even 3:00 in the afternoon yet, but let me tell you about it.

I was awakened by the sound of the Recycling Co. truck in the distance, so I hurried to get my bin out to the curb. You just never know what time of day they are coming by, and it had rained hard off and on yesterday, so I kind of forgot about it last night.  But out I went, in my pajamas, which is really a light pink, sleeveless shorty nightgown. Mission accomplished with no neighbors outside – although for all I know they were peeking out their windows and waiting for me, since I seem to usually be the last one on the street to get my bins out there.

I felt a little bit of guilty pleasure for my pj escapade, and when I got back in the house, I did check quick and see if I had on dark underwear that might have shown through, but I was safe.  It was so beautiful out, though. I wanted to stay out and enjoy more of it.  Alas,  the cushions on my deck chairs were soaked from yesterday’s rain. One of these days I have GOT to get covers or one of those Rubbermaid chest things to keep them in.

So I made my coffee and sat in the living room with the back door open. It smelled earthy and fresh and promising somehow, like a secret waiting to be told. The birds were chatting about it, probably commenting to each other how all the flowers and bushes and plants were so perky this morning. The light breeze not only felt like breath on my shoulders, but the deck flag floated back and forth, like it was a Royal giving a wave. It was just so perfect in that moment.

I realized that Something Was Happening. In me.  I was totally free. For no reason except that I wasn’t just seeing some distant silver lining, it was within reach and inviting me to touch it.  That fleeting feeling stayed with me, though, and became a long minute, and then it was several minutes.  I actually checked the clock to see if time was standing still for me, but it wasn’t. Nothing out-of-body going on, just that for once I was truly In The Moment. And it was amazing.

I started wondering: how does this happen? Why wasn’t there a notice of this upcoming special day? If I had been given an opportunity get ready, would I have done so? Where do I put in my order for another such day? And when I did that, when I got into my analytic mode, I could literally sense it slipping away. So I stopped. Just like that. I stopped asking anything, and I just reveled in the perfectness. It was a few minutes after 9, and the lightness has stayed with me all day. I feel open, and happy. It’s inexplicable. And fabulous!!

I’ve heard it said that when something like this  happens – and this was really really good  for me – people tend to say that that they are in the heart of God at that moment. I think, though, that God was in the heart of me. I was in Ray Steven’s old song, everything is beautiful in it’s own way.  I have been given a gift today.

I remember one Sunday afternoon  when Kevin and I were motorcycle riding in South Dakota; we were out by the Oahe Dam. There were some darkening clouds in the West but we thought we had time yet to make a quick run up to the bluffs past the overflow thing.  I was in the lead, and as I came up the hill and took the last curve to the West, it was like a door to the world had opened up in a movie scene.  I had to pull over because the awesomeness of it, the raw natural beauty, was overwhelming. I felt my soul filling up and I was totally in the moment. Kevin pulled up beside me and we both just took it all in. The only words spoken were when  he said  “My God,” and it was a prayer.  I was totally connected to him in that moment as well.  We were both dressed in full leathers, but trust me, that was one of the most intimate moments we ever shared.

This morning was almost like that. I wasn’t meditating, I hadn’t been drinking, I had no particular musical or other inspiration.  But it was a perfect moment. I’d like to think I’ve had many of these kinds of perfect moments, and now that I’m giving my memory a workout, a few others are coming to mind, once in Germany, that afternoon  in Indianapolis, several in Santa Fe, outside Charlottesville; yes, I’ve know I’ve been blessed. In over 21,500 days of my lifetime, I must have had many more I just don’t recall. I can’t make up for lost time, but I can and will start paying better attention.

Please tell me about your perfect (or near-perfect, or even just-pretty-damn-good) moments. I’d love to hear them. I think that by sharing them, we can spread a little more joy and prime ourselves to find more of them.

It’s about 4 pm now, and I have probably 6-8 more hours of this fabulous day left to me. I wonder what’s next!

It seems that no matter how much I try to streamline my life and keep things simple, I somehow find myself practically meeting myself in the driveway just coming and going.  It’s not that life is hard but that there seems to be a lot going on. For a semi-retired woman who is not working a lot, I surprise myself with how little I am home.

Today I was supposed to start training to become a tutor for Literacy for Life. I have been thinking about  volunteering, and since I love to read, I thought that helping others learn to read would be a good thing. I signed up months ago, and finally today at 1:00 the training would start. So at 8:30 a.m. I notified the coordinator that I was postponing my involvement for a while. I felt bad, but the weight of the idea of doing it was too heavy. The program wants a commitment of 1 hour a week for 1 year. That doesn’t include travel time, preparation time, reading, paperwork, phone calls, or anything else. I know a few people who are saying Yes to everything; I’m learning how to say No.

In fact, I belong to three professional organizations right now, and a fourth if I pay my dues which are overdue. One of these is Toastmasters, which I have been a member of since 1990. I just completed a one-year term as president of my club on June 30. I figured that was good timing for me to accept an invitation to become Membership Chair of the Virginia Chapter of the National Speakers Association. I didn’t know at the time, though, that Toastmasters would be rolling out its new Pathways educational program and would be needing “guides” for about 6-9 months. Guess who applied to be a guide? Yeppers, that would be me. And of course, I’m still Immediate Past President of my club, which keeps me on the board for one more year.

Then there are the networking and business-building groups I have joined.  Solopreneur Success Connection, my bank’s Power Women group, and e-Women Networking (which has been inactive but now has a new director, so maybe something will happen) are three women-centric organizations. I am stalling about joining the Peninsula Women’s Network.  There is also the Unread Book Club I just went to for the first time. As it sounds, you don’t read the (business-related) book unless you are the one who is doing the “report” for the month to tell the others about it and make a recommendation yea/nay for others to consider reading.  Umm, yeah, I agreed to do the September book. (Sounds fun, though, doesn’t it?!?)  And then there is the Cobbler’s Collective, a local group of diverse small business owners who get together every Thursday morning to talk about issues they are facing and to seek or share some perspective or ideas or help.

And let’s not forget the personal groups or events that I want to make time for: my neighborhood ladies go to lunch once a month, but that is going to conflict with the once-a-month Unread Book Club. So we’ll see…  And I play Bunco once a month in my neighborhood. I have recently been invited to join a group of other semi-retired folks who fell into consulting work and have coffee downtown almost every morning at 8:00 a.m. Yeah, I have only been to one of those so far.

It’s time to evaluate my priorities again, or I won’t have any time left for afternoon naps,  lazy morning phone calls with distant friends,  long lunches at a new restaurant, bargain hunting at the Habitat ReStore, camping during the week, reading, and organizing and reorganization and other sprucing up that keeps my house my home. Never mind things like getting the oil changed in the car, getting the annual state vehicle inspection done (both due now!), balancing my checkbook, walking the dog, getting groceries, etc.

Most importantly, though (get ready – it’s a cliff hanger!), I have recently made a commitment to myself to engage in some serious personal development. In May I joined Al Anon and have been attending meetings about twice a week, albeit somewhat irregularly until now due to travel. In July I also joined Adult Children of Alcoholics, and that also is twice a week right now, but will drop to once a week maybe after a particular “introduction” program I’m doing. I’m tired of feeling unsettled and unsure, believe it or not. Dysfunction is dysfunction, regardless of how or why it originated, and I’m ready to find answers to questions I don’t even know how to ask. You can expect to hear more about my continuing transformation as time goes on.

Something’s gotta give, as they say.  I don’t know yet how it will play out, but changes are a’comin’.  And since I’m a believer in “physical clutter makes for mental clutter,” today I invested about 5 hours in retrofitting the closet in my office and rearranging a few other things so I’ll have clean space in which to do the workbooks and other assignments, which ultimately should help my revenue-generating work as well. And yes, I still do some work for pay.  I have a 90 minute workshop coming up next month, among other things….lots of other things, as you can tell.

Til next time, I’m enjoying the new look of my office, basking in the security of knowing I made a good decision, and giving myself a pat on the back for the hard labor of moving and lifting and schlepping things around and around this afternoon.

Oh, yeah, and if any of my kids read this, please let the grandkids know that Grandma is interested in some artwork for the wall in her office now that I can actually see the wall!  Nikos’ painting looks a little lonely all by itself…

It’s July and I haven’t had the camper out yet except to clean her last weekend. That’s about to change as I get ready to head to the Eastern Shore and see “the ponies swim” at Assateague and Chincoteague. Wild horses are moved from one to the other island, I guess similar to how the buffalo roundup is done in the Black Hills of South Dakota. So I’m going to go watch. We will miss our Buddy.

From last camper

Except for possible extreme heat and humidity (it is July, after all), it should be a good time. Oh, and bugs. I’m told it is a haven for skeeters and other such annoyances.  Not to worry –  I have 40-proof DEET.

What I like most about camping can’t be narrowed down much, but here is my Top 5 List.

1. The very idea of camping, in the woods or near the water, conjures up images of relaxing and slowing down. It’s a break from the psychological pressure (self-imposed) to do the laundry that is waiting, or mop the dirty floor, or pull weeds, or pay bills, or vacuum up dog hair that is ALWAYS in the back of mind a home. I have NEVER vacuumed dog hair while camping, I’m happy to report. And mopping is limited to once a year – when opening for the season.

2. Getting back to nature. For some reason, I almost get in those elusive 10,000 daily steps when I’m camping. I walk at least 2-3 times a day. I usually take the dogs twice, and then I gift myself one solo walk where I don’t have to worry about ticks hitchhiking or piggybacking on my boys, or other dogs to tease and bark at. I breathe deeply and just let my mind wander. And I see such amazing sights. Water, wildlife, wildflowers, secret paths, and history leaving its mark someway, somehow. Wide open spaces. Ah, the vistas and views.

3.  Food cooked over a fire…even though I admit I enjoyed that more when Kevin did the cooking. Now I tend to use the stove inside  more than I ever did before. But food tastes more succulent, more flavorful, more natural. I don’t overeat, and except for trail mix when playing a board game maybe, I eat only when I’m hungry. It’s a great connector to meet the neighbors, too. No one is shy about saying that something smells good, and the conversation just takes off from there.  My favorite – which I haven’t had since SD days – was oven baked oatmeal for breakfast, which Kevin would fix in a special Dutch oven he got just for me and my oatmeal. (He wasn’t a fan.)

4. Memories are made here. I remember Don making margaritas in a blender that had a lawnmower motor or something. The storm that sent me to the nearest hotel. The Scrabble games. The buffalo that was so large we didn’t see it! Or maybe we just didn’t believe it was real. That humongous turtle. Climbing that ladder while geocaching. Gabe and the ax in his foot. Mt Rushmore lit up at night. Molly chasing Buddy around the campsite. The rattlesnake in Nebraska. Waking up to snow. Being pushed around the campground  in a wheelchair on my 50th birthday. Kevin, Jeff, Gabe, and Andrew fishing in the fog and rain. The never-ending sunlight in Saskatoon. When the water heater started on fire. The garage sale where we got those bags of books for $1 and spent the entire summer reading every chance we got. And more….sunsets in the Badlands, melodrama at Medora, the Peace Gardens at ND/Canada border, Truman house in Missouri, Little House on the Prairie in DeSmet, Lake of the Ozarks, Custer State Park in the  Black Hills.  And the Piankatank – just saying that name of the river is fun!

5. The stuff! GPS for geocaching. Hats. Walking sticks. Special lawn chairs. Hammocks. Dutch ovens. Colored lights for the awning. Signposts. Outdoor rugs. North Woods or western-themed mugs and other décor. (Right now I’m into Bohemian, so….new stuff!).

Bonus! I know I said 5, but I just thought of another really cool thing.

6.  A chance for my inner child to play and create and dream. Judgment gets left behind. Ideas spring up. Crafts are begun and abandoned without regret. Acceptance is high. Observing and daydreaming is encouraged. All pretense is gone. For a few days, I get to be Brave Woman again, living off the land so-to-speak. I believe I can do things I don’t normally get called on to do out here. All things are possible, or at least worth trying. And that’s a feeling I’m in need of. Lately, my body is telling me I need this time for introspection and reflection, to remember who I was and figure out who I am and envision who I want to be.

So, yeah, Brave Woman is going camping for a few days.  I might usually look and act and sound like a city girl (or at least a townie), and I don’t exactly “rough it” while I’m out there. I don’t need to explain it; it makes perfect sense to me.  This time ocean, next time maybe mountains.  Here I go!

Buddy wasn’t the first dog to live with me/my family, but I loved him best, if I’m honest. The others- four of them in the past 40 years- were apparently starter pups for my benefit, and now I know how I failed them. I just didn’t get it then, how to give them love, how to let them be good at what they were, how to accept what they offered me. Caring for a pet was not in my upbringing, and those I knew who did have dogs all had outside “working” (read: farm) dogs. I had no idea that a dog could be love.

Actually, I didn’t want another  dog at first, and certainly not a house dog. But Kevin thought I really needed something to love and nurture after my youngest son left for college. I stood firmly against it. Not in my house. Those tails would slap my plants, jingle my china, knock things off the table; there would be drool and dog hair everywhere, not to mention the smell.  Even tiny dogs would bark and yip and squeal. No thank you very much.

And then there was Buddy. Have you ever seen a beagle puppy? Held one? Those chocolate drop eyes, the silky long ears, the white-tipped happy tail.  It’s enough to make you believe in love at first sight. I kid you not.  This little thing scampered across the floor into my lap, crawled under my sweatshirt like he knew exactly what to do and had every right to do so, and stuck his head out at my neckline to give my face puppy kisses. What could I do? What would you do?? Yes, I took him home. Even after he peed on me in his excitement. And barfed on me in his anxiousness about being put in a box for the car ride.

I was still adamant, though, he would sleep in a kennel in the laundry room. That edict lasted for about an hour after we went to bed. The noise from down the hall,  down the stairs to the basement, and behind a closed door was relentless. I have no idea how such a little thing could make so much noise. And it wasn’t even a bark; it was that baying sound hounds make, the kind that makes you smile and listen instead of wincing and shouting back to be quiet.  So for “just this first night, until he’s used to the crate” he slept with us in bed. Uh-huh! You know how that story ends. The queen bed was traded for a king-sized one, and white noise was tried to drown out the snoring. Dogs snore?!? Oh, the things you learn!! The silence is deafening now, and the bed is too big, just in case you are wondering.

Love at first sight, March 2004

Working with mama, 9 mo

Surgery on both knees, 1-1/2 yrs

about 5 yrs old

I’m 13 now!

I love going for a ride; 13 yrs

I’m so tired (13-1/2)

Over the years, I met a few veterinarians and their assistants thanks to my Budster. Aside from regular well-puppy check ups and vaccinations, there was the initial “fixing.” Then kennel cough. Ear infections, eye infections, yeast infections. Allergies. Parvo reaction (read: pet E.R. and 105 temperature). Bilaterial luxating patellas (yes, bad knees requiring surgery). Nail trims. Broken teeth, abscesses, and teeth removal. Uff-da.

But I didn’t spend all my money on doctors. There were also cute coats and booties and hoodies. Leashes he couldn’t chew through (don’t believe that one). Doggie seat belts.  Special shampoo and conditioner, and flea and tick ointments.  Cute water bowls and food dishes. Cute treat jars and puppy-themed photo frames. Replacements for the not-so-cute holes in gloves, wallets, shoes, pillows.  Torn underwear (that was paraded around the house and sometimes outside if he was faster than we were). Lint rollers (for dog hair) in every drawer in every room, plus in the car and desk at the office. Trash cans with lids, trash cans with magic self-closing lids, trash cans behind closed doors. Pupcakes on birthdays. Tie-out chains, gates, crates, and fences. Extra fees at hotels. Kiddie cups of ice cream at DQ. Plain burgers at McD’s or hot dogs at Sonic. Photos with Santa (yes, really). A dog stroller when it was too far for him to walk.

Buddy turned 13 this past January.  We had a great trip back to Minnesota in May. But by June he was in so much pain, I could no longer deny him release as I watched the decline in his health happen quickly over a single weekend. On Monday, June 19, I took him to the veterinarian and had him euthanized. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make – and I’ve made a lot of hard decisions, trust me. So difficult I still can hardly talk about it 2+ weeks later.  I know I did the right thing, but it hurts so bad. I still have his brother Bo (now 11), and I love Bo, but Buddy …there was just something about him. He was the definition of pure love. He was everything a pet should be: a little crazy, a lot happy, satisfied, fearless, loving, forgiving, hungry, curious, persistent, vocal, observant, friendly. As my brother said, Buddy didn’t know he was a dog; he thought he was a boy. Bo knows he’s a dog, and he’s very good at it. I’m thankful he is here to help me through this next corner I’m having to turn.

If you have lessons to learn in this lifetime about unconditional acceptance, forgiveness, just-for-today thinking, happiness in little things, listening, joy, togetherness, selflessness, then I’d recommend a dog like my Buddy. Or group therapy, but I’d start with a dog.  Buddy was my best teacher…so far, although he undoubtedly got a lot of help (which I needed) from his human (now spirit) daddy. The grief when they are gone is red hot, but everything before that is spectacular raspberry fizz with whipped cream and a cherry on top!

(PS:  See-I told you! Buddy is on the left, and Bo is on the right. Who knew Santa wasn’t only a lover of reindeer???)

I made an on-the-spot decision a few weeks ago to finally deal with the rest of Kevin’s hunting, fishing, motorcycling, golf, outdoor and other guy stuff. I just decided that the day had arrived, and I went into action. That’s one thing about me; it may take a while to finally decide, but when I do, I’m all in!

His things hadn’t been in my way, since the majority of his gear was in one of three attic spaces in the house, so I didn’t have to look at it or work around it. The remainder was stored on a loft I had built in the garage after he died. The problem with enough space is that it’s easy to ignore what you are hanging onto.  As it happens, our neighborhood was having a community yard sale in a little under 2 weeks, so timing seemed right to purge.

It’s been nearly 2-1/2 years since he died. I thought it would be easy enough by now to finally get rid of his things. Unfortunately, it turns out all his stuff – even stuff I didn’t know he had – has apron strings (or in his case, bungee cords) attached to memories. Not only did I have to exert myself physically to drag boxes, tubs, and clumsy chunky things down two flights of stairs, and organize them in the garage, but I got a renewed flood of memories of our years together…and some speculation about him before us. (Some things I didn’t know he/we had, or what they were for, or why we had 3 or 4 or 8 of them!)

The good news is that I was mostly laughing through my tears. When it got too hard, I texted my brother, or called a sister. They had some of the same memories, although from a different perspective.   The motorcycle rides, the camping trips, the holidays, that reunion at the cabin at the lake.  Telling Dad what LLC stood for when we all rode into Welcome that day.  The houses and yards we had designed, refreshed, and lived in,  The discussion of how many guns or fishing rods he needed versus how many pairs of black shoes I needed. The wood carving tools and the smoker grill that were gifts from Buddy and Bo to him on Father’s Day. That day when he put on his blaze orange coveralls and drove my motorcycle home for me after it had a new belt or something put on it, in the snow and freezing cold. The walking stick he had carved, and we were glad we had with us when we came upon that rattler in Nebraska. Golfing and the M&Ms he cajoled me with (I got a handful every time I swung and DIDN’T miss hitting the ball).  The bicycle rides pulling Buddy behind us in a pet Burley. And more.

As I pulled clothes out of Rubbermaid tubs and sorted them on the couch, the dogs pulled them onto the floor or found ways to snuggle up in them and smell Daddy. When I put the cot up in the garage, the dogs immediately wanted up and then found their way straight to the foot of the cot where they napped with Daddy when we went camping. These were the harder tears.  I’m sure that they, too, were reliving memories.

Letting go is painful, and it raised all kinds of questions.  How do you put a price on a memory? What has value? What IS valuable? How much stuff do we really need???  Why have we kept what appears to be junk, or at least stuff we know we do not and will not need (like the kingpin stabilizer thing for the 5th wheel camper we sold almost 4 years ago)? How do you cleanse the profit so it doesn’t feel like blood money and you can spend it with a smile? What am I going to sell that I will want next week, or someday?  How do you reconcile the fact that it’s been 2-1/2 years and you are still crying? What is the difference between “letting go of” and “getting rid of?”

Well, the garage sale came and went. In the end, it was a good feeling to release the physical STUFF.  Then I also decided it was only fair to take some of the same medicine myself, and I have now managed to accumulate four excess boxes of my own clothes, plus one box of shoes and boots.  I called the Viet Nam Veteran’s place, and they are coming to pick it all up in a few days. They will also take the remainder of the things that did not get sold at the garage sale. I truly wish for others who need these things to be able to get them at whatever wicked-good prices the thrift store will determine.

It’s interesting how easy it was to pull my own things off the hangers.  They are all articles I know I can replace easily if I want to.  It turns out I can replace his stuff, too, if I want. I can never replace him, though, and I don’t have to. I still have him and my memories in my heart.

So, the question was about value.  I got more than I bargained for:

• I gained appreciation again, for Kevin’s eye for quality – which included me, right? He chose me as surely as he chose a hunting jacket or a hammer or cot or fancy arrows. 
• I gained miles of smiles as I remembered things I might not have thought of, things for which there are no pictures, things like 3 tackle boxes that brought him fun and peace on the river, and I had good fish to eat as often as I wanted it.
  

  
• I gained the satisfaction of knowing that those kids that bought the decoys will have a ball carrying on the traditions he enjoyed.
• I gained garage space, which isn’t there to fill up again, but the spaces in between what’s left present a clean, organized, clutter-free place that I pass through every day, now without stumbling or squeezing or stepping over. I don’t have to whine any more about all his crap!
• I gained a newfound friendship with my neighbors, people I had seen around but hadn’t really talked to much, but who came over and spent time with me, helping get down a tree stand or organizing the tables, and buying the power washer and chain saw.

All in all, the value was way more than the dollars. Priceless, truly.

I am trying something new today. It is Small Business Week, and the local business incubator is offering free co-working space this week. It’s an alternative to working from my office at home. Theoretically, it offers an energetic vibe and some stimulation because of the various other people present working on their own thing. Theoretically. Because except for two people in the conference room with a closed door, and one in an office with a closed door, the place is as empty as a lot of courthouses on a Friday afternoon. I’m it.

The idea is appealing, and I’ve been thinking and exploring this concept for over a month. It’s nice to have a 30-second commute at home, in jammies if desired, but there is a “real thing” aspect if you go to an office outside the home. Even though it doesn’t offer the company I expected, I have already learned a few things.

First, I brought my old laptop, because the newer one is fairly large and heavy compared to this one. I forgot my mouse, so am having to use the touchpad. Lesson 1, like packing to go on a trip, don’t skimp on what you bring along, especially if it will help you be productive.

Second, expectations don’t need to be high or low. Instead, just keep an open mind. It’s actually aesthetically pleasing here, although a bit contemporary for my taste. I read somewhere recently that creativity is sparked by trying something new – whether it’s a new place, a new view in an old place, a different route taken, a new food, etc. On the way here today, I came the back way, and it was nice and refreshing, driving through residential areas with tree-lined roads instead of taking the fast highway.

Third, it took a while for this computer to boot up. Instead of zipping right to the last-saved place, I had to log in and saw a Dashboard screen I don’t usually see unless I seek it out. Interesting factoid: I have published 100 posts; this is 101. As I scrolled through the archive, I smiled to myself to remember what this or that post was about. Likewise, I am pleased to recognize the forward progress and occasional momentum I have gained on this journey. I have changed, no doubt about it.

One hundred is a milestone of sorts. Our president has been in office 100 days, and there is a bit of news surrounding that. I recently noted I hadn’t ridden my motorcycle “even 100” miles last year. I had a garage sale last weekend, and the $100 bills I have set aside….and I took a few $5’s and $10’s to spend. One hundred degrees for summer temperature is not far off, and there is no dispute that that is HOT no matter where you are.

One hundred one is a new start, a rollover-and-reset for the counter, a next level begun. I’m there. I didn’t know it would be now; I didn’t even see it coming … didn’t set my sights on it at all. It happened. As life does. It goes on. Here I go!

Don’t you just love it when things make total, complete, perfect sense the first time??? Yes, it happened to me again a few weeks ago. I opened myself up to the world of possibilities and what could be even better than this thinking, and sure enough, something better showed up! It happened like this.

My friend Diane loaned me a book, so it’s all her fault – in such a wonderful, good way. Thank you, Diane!!!  And since I’m an “ollin” kind of girl (as in “all in”), I read the entire book in 2 days, called and talked to the author (by accident, but still, she answered the phone!), decided to get certified to teach this concept, and started online classes…again with help from Diane, who just happens to be certified to teach this already. I now have 8 copies of the book, 3 sets of participant materials for my first Beta students, and a level of enthusiasm that I am so happy to feel all the way to my toes. Oh, and I already modified a presentation I gave this week on Effective Communication to incorporate some of these ideas, with some effective results.

The book is The Change Cycle, by Ann Salerno and Lillie Brock. It’s about how to navigate change, and not just survive it, but thrive in the midst and afterglow of a change at the organizational level, too.  Suffice it to say that the book draws on the work of Mazlow’s Hierarchy, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s work on death and dying, Bill Bridges’ work on Transitions, and the authors’ own research and experiences initially in South Africa but also in the US for the past 20 years.  They offer that there 6 stages of change, with some predictable and unpredictable responses, and that there are clear, proven ways to help people assess what stage they are in and how to move beyond that to complete the cycle of change.

It’s what I would have said/preached/taught/told people if I was already through all 6 stages as a result of Kevin’s death if I wrote this book. The transition I had to go through since then – and am still going through in varying ways – has been pretty much the very experience described in this book. Like they were flies on the walls of my house for the past 2+ years.  It’s amazing, and comforting, and mysterious, and interesting, and useful.

I keep saying things like I have “turned a corner” in my grief, and I surely have turned many corners.  But one could expect that 4 corners and you’re done.  Not so.  What I have discovered is that the corners are sometimes left and sometimes right, and sometimes just zigzags. This is still progress, and in fact, it’s all part of the predictable process. Who knew?!? This is what I wanted to hear, to know, by about a week after Kevin died…how long this would take, what would happen, etc.

The trick is that not everyone goes through things at the same rate or in exactly the same way. It turns out I am in Stage 4 of the 6 stages, and that is affirming to me. I’m normal, I’m past the “danger zone,” I’m rocking my new life as well as anyone. More than this, though, I was guided through an exercise to help me figure out what my fears are (and yes, I have them like everyone else). It wasn’t what I expected, but it was a revelation. And it immediately made sense to me, and made sense of my last year, and made sense about my future. I know you’re curious what it could possibly be, but let’s just say it’s personal.

Anyway, the point is, I am Solowingnow with winged arms, not leaded feet. I am eager, not anxious. I am throwing the doors wide open, not just cautiously peeking out the windows at my life.  It’s like I drank the Kool-Aid, the good kind, the sweet kind. Best of all, this Change Cycle work allows me to put my own fingerprints all over it, to truly make a Duggan Difference with it.  My friend Karn reminded me today of what I used to tell her: when the student is ready, the teacher will come.  Well, this student is ready, and my teachers came in the form of a friend with a recommendation of a book to read and the book itself.  Interestingly, Diane has referred to this book for the past 2 years, and it’s only now that I was hearing her. Imagine that. I wasn’t ready then.

Couple this with the Access Consciousness studying I’ve been doing and you can see that my energy is flowing, good things are happening, more is on the way, and I’m open to receiving it all.

As for that other change, can you believe that I haven’t had a single night sweat in about a month?!?? And I haven’t even had to get up to pee.  What do you say to that???  Coincidence? I think not.  I think it’s finally the right time.  My time. My turn. My way. Gosh-Almighty, it’s good to be me right now!