Category Archives: Sabbatical

Winning the Lottery

13 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by in Budgeting, Dreaming, Sabbatical, Transformation

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My late husband’s financial plan always relied on winning the lottery, and he faithfully bought a ticket when the numbers got high enough.  If he ever won more, I never knew about it! I very rarely bought a ticket, but now that the possible payout is over $1 Billion (yes, billion with a “b”), I bought 4 tickets the other day. I only had $8 on me after I bought gas, so 4 was it.  Besides, you only need 1 to win, right?

Last night I sat down and decided to come up my list of how I’m going to spend my winnings when I get the money in hand.  I had barely finished when my brother called, and we talked about how we would spend the money if either of us won.  No surprise, we had vastly different plans. After the taxes were paid, and I gave 10% to charity (I do remember he said he wouldn’t do this – he’d prefer to give it directly to people rather than to let someone else decide who it goes to), I struggled to figure out what to do with all the remainder.  I could only come up with another $6 million or so in expenditures.  I would set up education trust funds for each of my grandchildren, pay off my kids’ student loans (and otherwise equalize this distribution since at least one no longer has student loans), and then I would buy a hobby farm and open a pet rescue (probably for beagles) operation. After that, I would make sure each of my kids had a nice-enough house (no mini-mansions necessary) and reliable vehicles. And then I’d take my kids, grandkids, siblings, in-laws and outlaws, nieces and nephews (and their kids), on an around-the-world trip, which is the best education of all.  And a girlfriend trip is in the mix, too. In a nutshell, this reflects my pre-lottery priorities: education, humanity,  and travel.  (It’s good know the money won’t change me that much.)

My sister Theresa has a grand idea. She said the first thing she would do if she wins (note: she said “if” she wins, and I think in terms of “when” I win) isto take a long vacation and then call her kids to tell them where she is!  I think that’s what I will do also; maybe I’ll invite her to come along…sounds like she could use a break.

But then I remembered another conversation I had yesterday with a girlfriend who  lamented that she “didn’t have a Kevin,” and I knew what she meant.  I had already won the lottery back in the summer of 2001 when I met Kevin.  He was exactly the right guy for me, at the right time.  My idea of marriage was a partnership between friends who fell in love, who worked every day at being in relationship, practicing  acceptance and  honesty, sharing and giving, and caring.  He treated me so very, very well, with geArkansas Apr 2012nerosity and laughter and openness.  What more could a girl ask for?  The fact that he’s passed away now doesn’t mean I’m at a dead end (NO pun intended).  Because of the great experience I had of loving him and being loved by him, I am a better person, with happy memories and improved interpersonal skills that enhance all my relationships – whether with my children and grandkids or Toastmaster friends or co-workers or neighbors or new people I have yet to meet or anyone else I come into contact with.  I lived that love for 13 years, and it will continue to pay residual dividends for the rest of my life.  That’s winning!!

I read somewhere recently that if you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need. I can relate to that, and I do have those.  It would be nice to have my Kevin to share those with me, but as that other saying goes, better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.  It’s comforting to know that I don’t need a Billion dollars to make me happy.  I can’t even spend in my mind.  I told my brother that $100,000 would give me financial serenity, given my sabbatical and limited funds right now.  But I’m doing good anyway, so if the winning ticket isn’t hanging on my refrigerator, I won’t miss the money much.  I’ve already won more than many people.

 

Que Sera, Sera

19 Saturday Dec 2015

Posted by in Reading, Sabbatical

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I envy those who have known since they were kids just what they wanted to do when they grew up.  Back then, we didn’t distinguish between “doing” and “being,” although the question was commonly interchangeable: “What do you want to be/do  when you grow up?” Doris Day’s answer in her song, Que Sera Sera was “whatever will be, will be.”  I am dissatisfied with that answer still.  I feel like I am spinning my wheels trying to figure it out before it’s too late for me to do (be) something great.

In my analysis of the possible options, I have listed all of the jobs I have held since I was a kid, from babysitting to volunteering at the library, detassling corn, cashiering, legal secretary, analyst, administrator, and sometimes consultant and presenter.  I’ve looked for themes, for peak times, for common threads, for some light to shine on the path and show me what’s ahead  Nada. Zip. Zero.  I can’t see the forest for the trees, apparently.

I’ve also reviewed older and more recent journals I kept. I have looked at the titles of the books I’ve collected. I considered how my musical tastes have changed. My favorite places. The most fun pasttimes. Movies I watch and watch again and again. Who I like to spend time with. How I spend my money.  While that trip down Memory Lane has been an interesting one, so far there has been no revelation.

Except one: I like happy endings, which are almost always the result of some productive change along the way. And I always seem to find one, whether it’s at the end of a book, a project, a j ob, or a move.  So I trust that there is another happy ending in store for me.

That kind of trust is hard to come by sometimes. It’s a knowing, a sense of fait accompli, a foregone conclusion.  I just have to be patient. I can’t just wait around, and I also can’t force the reveal.  I have to make myself ready for that eventuality. Which is what this sabbatical is about.   I keep reading, keep learning, keep observing, keep resting, keep reflecting, keep meeting people, opening myself (preparing myself) a little more each day.  As William Bridges said in his book, Transitions, first there is the ending, then the wandering in the neutral zone, when there is a letting go of something, and finally a new beginning.  I’m wandering toward that new whatever-it-is, but remember, all who wander are not lost!

BTW, I’m reading an interesting book, Wander Woman, by Marcia Reynolds.  It’s about How High Achieving Women Find Contentment and Direction.  Unfortunately, no easy answers. I guess I will have to still do my own wandering, and accept Doris’ answer: Que sera, sera!

 

Some habits I need to break

11 Friday Dec 2015

Posted by in Sabbatical, Traditions

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Wow, I had no idea how habitual my routine had become.  I said when I was preparing for this sabbatical that I was going to get rid of my alarm clock.  Until this week, I have not used it, and that’s been a very good thing.  But now I’ve used it three days in a row because I have agreed to some early morning commitments (like an 8:00 am veterinary appointment I had scheduled when I was still trying to not miss too much work, and breakfast with a friend).  Here is what I have learned.

  1. The buzzer alarm is ANNOYING. It is a rude, jarring way to wake up.
  2. The radio alarm is slightly less annoying, but it’s strange to wake up to some man’s voice in your bedroom, when you’ve finally adjusted to sleeping alone (or with two dogs who don’t talk that way).
  3. My natural rhythm is to wake up around 8:00 am, give or take half an hour.  My preferred routine is to take care of the dogs’ needs, make coffee, have a bowl of cereal, read a little, and take my time gently introducing myself into whatever “work” I have planned for the day. If I get up earlier than that (via alarm clock), I do feel a little on edge for most of the morning.
  4. My natural sleepy time if I get up around 8:00-ish a.m. is around 11:30 pm, give or take half an hour. When I get up before 6 am (as I have done for tooooo many years), I am ready for bed before 9 at night.
  5. When I’m feeling most productive is around 10:00 am (for a few hours), and again about 3:00 (for a few hours), and once more around 7:00 pm (for another couple of hours).
  6. I still think like I’m tied to a Monday-Friday work week.  I find myself “preparing” for Mondays on Sunday night, with the buff-and-polish routine (nail routine, for example).  I also notice that on Fridays, I am planning two days “off” and waiting until Monday to start reading or writing again.

What I need to do is, first, check out some apps for my iPhone that will wake me more civilly, with a meditation or affirmation or nice chiming sound.  And second, consolidate all my appointments into one calendar or planner system, and depending on what the purpose is, not schedule 8:00 am meetings.  At least until I feel like I have given my sleep-deprived body adequate time to reset its internal clock.

And then I need to be open to the idea of having my “weekend” during the week when the stores aren’t so busy, and the traffic patterns have changed.  Today I scurried to get my car washed and my hair cut once I realized it was Friday; these are chores I would normally have tried to fit in on Saturday morning.  And then I also became aware that I don’t need to agonize over not having started my Christmas shopping yet, since I have way more than just two weekends to get it done in…I have 14 days or 10 days if you take off everyone else’s weekends!!

It’s interesting how I conditioned I am to those getting-up and getting-going routines.  I am going to work on that mindset in the next few weeks and look for some sustainable alternatives.

Last paycheck, for a while

04 Friday Dec 2015

Posted by in Budgeting, Sabbatical

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My last paycheck from work was direct deposited today.  When I looked at the balance in my checking account and then at the bills needing to be paid, I had to take a deep breath and calm myself just a little. I told myself it will be okay. Abundance flows easily to me. I have enough, and I am enough.  I believe that when you are worried about having enough money, you should give some away – to keep the mindset of abundance instead of scarcity. So then I wrote out two checks, one to the American Heart Association, and one to the American Cancer Society.  Now I need to do the rest of my part, which is to stick to the budget I had made out when I decided to do this sabbatical. It will be alright. It is alright. I have everything I need, and the Universe will provide if I need anything else.

Belonging

20 Friday Nov 2015

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Today is my  last day of paid employment for maybe up to a year. Note I didn’t say my last day of “work,” since my sabbatical is intended to be the work of finding myself and moving toward a more fulfilling future.  I have plenty to get done yet today so I’m sure I’ll be at the office all day.

I thought I might feel more excited than I do about the prospects. Instead, I feel slightly hesitant. This will be the first time since 1977 that I have not had work to go to every day. Even when I was on maternity leave, I knew what I was going back to.  And when I freelanced after Gabe was born, I had work lined up for weeks ahead of time. But that time was truly some of the best I ever had. Not only did I make more money working part time than I had full time, but I was working for myself, shopped when the aisles at the grocery store were not crowded, attended daytime school events with the kids, and just spent time being a wife and mother. I knew where I belonged. It was what I had been raised to do, and it fit me. Then.

Now, today, this minute, I’m not sure where I belong. I’m no longer a wife, my kids are grown with children of their own – miles and miles away, and I have nowhere I have to be on any given day, nothing particular I must do.  I expected a feeling of happy release, but instead, I feel alone.

The Rules

17 Tuesday Nov 2015

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I was talking to my brother the other day.  I know he was teasing when he made the comment about “now that you have nothing to do…” but I’m sure he was curious about exactly what I would be doing.  And others have hinted at the same thing. They think this sabbatical of mine is just an extended vacation, during which time I’ll laze around in my pj’s, watch soap operas, and eat bon-bons all day.  It’s up to me to not just tell them, but show them, that I am taking this time off seriously, as a way to get clear on how I really want to be spending my time, aligning my values with my calendar.

That will take some self-discipline, which I think all work-from-homers deal with.  Today, for example, you would find me still in my pj’s right now, and it’s 3:36 in the afternoon. But I’m sick, and have been for almost a week now.  The doc says rest, so that is what I am trying to do.  And besides, my sabbatical doesn’t officially start until 5:01 pm on Friday. Today is still paid sick leave, which goes away when I give up my paid job.

So I’m making a few rules for myself – to remind me and the rest of the world, that I am working my plan.  Part of my plan, though, is to rest and recover from a year of high stress, so I will be kind to myself.  With that in mind, here are the rules I’m making:

  1.  I will get dressed every day … right after breakfast, which is what I would do if I had a “real” job.  Unless I’m sick, when maximum comfort prevails.
  2. I will make my bed everyday, which is also what I do now.   Unless I’m sick and sleeping in it.
  3. I will stay in touch with the outside world.  I will go to Toastmasters weekly, and my writing group monthly, at a minimum.  But I won’t get so busy that I forfeit time for myself.
  4. Even though I’ll be on a strict budget, I will splurge and buy only Kleenex brand tissues. Because the store brand had made my nose sore and my fingertips aren’t happy to pull them out of the box.

I  won’t make any more rules until I’m feeling better.  But I think this is a good start.

Moving Day(s)

14 Saturday Nov 2015

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Last night I started the physical transition piece of my sabbatical.  I emptied two bookcases that were in my Diva Den and hall landing area upstairs, and I slid them down the staircase and shuffled them into place in my home office. I had to take things off the walls and move two bookcases already in the office.  (Read: I like books!)  I have some bare spaces upstairs now, but once I get that gun cabinet chic’d up, it’ll look great up there.  As for the office, I think I’m going to like it as well, but I probably have to get rid of the nice recliner.

Today I went to the other office and packed up six (yes, 6) boxes, and one briefcase with the books and other items I’ve kept there, some wall art, and a few of the colored markers, extra coffee cups, personal toiletries, etc. that accumulated over my time here. I probably have another 2-3 boxes of stuff yet to pack up…files, other desk paraphernalia, food, Kleenex, etc.  It’s odd to think of packing up a 25 year career in a few boxes.  And now I have no wall space at home to hang extra pictures or bulletin boards, so the work of prioritizing begins.  But I’m a saver (not a hoarder) and some day my kids and grandkids will be joyous at finding the special “art work” they have made me over the years, so I save on.

And while I’m transitioning out of one phase of my life to await the discovery of The Next Big Thing, today I also moved in the direction of making new connections in the areas of support and encouragement. I attended the NSA-Virginia meeting here in town and met a soul sister. We had lunch after the meeting and found we have a lot in common.  She is Liz, a Whole-Being Well-Being Whiz, and she helps busy people claim health, wealth, and happiness.  I am excited at the prospect of attending a retreat at her place on the Eastern Shore, to learn about creating a meditation practice and developing some other essential wellness habits.

Good things are happening!

office

T-10 days

10 Tuesday Nov 2015

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I am excited, and a teensy bit scared, and excited, and anxious, and excited, and oh so ready to start this quest for The Next Thing I’ll do. After the R&R.

Interestingly, today I got a “random” email request from a publishing house asking if I was working on a motivational book and would be willing to talk to the CEO.  Maybe someday, but not today, and not tomorrow, and not for a while yet.

I hope I can stay strong and say No and Yes at the right times…

Halloween Costumes

31 Saturday Oct 2015

Posted by in Dreaming, Sabbatical

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I’ve probably had a couple of dozen kids to my house tonight, trick-or-treating.  I’ve seen werewolves, pirates, several princesses, a bunny, a few superheros, and the cast of Grease (the Pink Ladies were great!).  It has made me think how great it is that today’s kids can really jump into the spirit of the character and not just put on a mask, like we did when were kids.  I think we got to choose colored eye masks … but then again, it was Minnesota and so winter coats were required. That’s a sure-fire way to defeat a costume. Anyway, today’s kids don’t just put on a mask. They do their research and put on an entire alter ego, with makeup, hair, and attitude.  Even the “IRS auditors” had a line about enjoying my tax dollars at work!!    Maybe they will be better prepared dreamers than I was.  I still am not sure who I want to be when I grow up.  That’s what this solowing/sabbatical is about…discovering the answer to that and being comfortable with whatever it turns out to be.  Happy Halloween!

It’s all about me now

30 Friday Oct 2015

Posted by in Grief, Sabbatical, Transformation

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This blog is going to be about me and the transformation I am undergoing due to the grief I experienced since my husband Kevin died last year. Naturally, I have had to do things I didn’t use to do, like take out the trash. I’ve also had to do more of the chores we used to share, such as feeding the dogs or cooking or washing dishes.  And I have done less of some things I used to do, like ride my motorcycle because it’s just not as fun any longer. Oh, and I’ve done some things again I hadn’t done in a long time, like coloring.  But I have yet to get acquainted with this woman I am becoming, the one who wants to learn to play piano and practice yoga, for example.  Now that I’m flying solo, I need to understand who I am, choose who I am becoming, think about what I want to do and where I want to go.  He gave me one of the greatest of gifts – that of a new life to be designed by me now –  and so as a result, I am giving myself the gift of a year – a personal, unpaid sabbatical – to just be, and to think about these big life questions. I resigned my permanent, paid position and will be that solo-widow-single (solowing) person starting at 5:01 pm on Friday, November 20.