The “feels like” factor

07 Thursday Jul 2016

Posted by in Dreaming

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It seems as if summer in Virginia has arrived.  It’s been the week that I feared when I moved here – hot, humid, sticky, buggy, and accompanied by a fair amount of rain. 90 degrees “feels like” 106.  And it’s only early July. I am very familiar with the feels-like factor because in MN and SD we used to have to account for the wind making things seem much more chilly in winter than the actual temp.  Here it’s the humidity, and now I know what people mean when they talk about the dry heat of Arizona. It’s real!

Plenty of times I have had that feels-like factor creep in, and sometimes not in the best of ways.  Earlier this week, for example, would have been our wedding anniversary.  Last year on July 5, no one (and I mean no one) said “happy anniversary” to me. Of course, he’s gone, so why would they? I talked to a good friend that day, and I thought she would at least mention it and say she was thinking of me, or remembering that day, or something.  Nada.  I was a little put out that no one seemed to remember.  It “felt like” the memory had been dismissed, so that would mean my marriage was dismissed, right?  But last year at this time, there wasn’t much that could have been said by anybody that would have made me feel better. Then this year, this week, I got two Happy Anniversary wishes, one that was public on Facebook.  At first, it felt like salt in the wound, because now I have fully accepted my adjusted life.  But I know they meant well; they were saying that they did remember, and they knew I would be remembering, so they were with me in spirit. And the feels-like factor made a good day better, after I stopped crying.

And so was Kevin…with me in spirit. I was heading out to my car to go to a meeting, and had been dabbing at the tears in the corners of my eyes as I walked out the door.  I was walking down the front steps, and suddenly there was music. I checked to make sure it wasn’t the ice cream truck, but it was springy, new-agey kind of music I had not heard before. It was coming from my purse!  My hands were full, but as soon as I got in the car and turned it on, the Bluetooth kicked in and the music was broadcast on my car radio. music I could not believe it. I am absotively, posilutely certain that Kevin sent me this to let me know he was still with me and remembering our special day.  I wish I could figure out how to play this for you here.  It is uplifting, and floaty, and a little bouncy and sweeping.  It’s a happy sound that you could swing around and around to, arms out wide, in an open field  and be in a Downy fabric softener commercial or something.  Yet, it’s ballroomy and enveloping. It certainly wasn’t his kind of music, but he knew it was clearly my kind of music.

I believe he found this tune and pushed the play button just for me that morning. There is no other explanation for how it came on by itself. There is no other music on this phone, and I had trouble finding it again after it was over. It was a moment that had a feels-like factor of Heaven on Earth. Where else would “Over the Horizon” be?  I have no doubt whatsoever that he is still here, especially when I need him. Grief doesn’t last forever, and love doesn’t die.

Second chances

30 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by in Dreaming, Gratitude, Reading, Sabbatical, Transformation

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I just finished reading a book called Life’s Golden Ticket by Brendon Burchard. Burchard is a man who survived a car accident that should have killed him, but he is alive and well.  20160630_133921The story is not about him; it’s about another man who struggles to give himself a second chance when his fiancée walks out on him.  It’s a good read; you should check it out.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about my own second chances. 20160630_133731For one thing, I love second-hand and consignment stores. I get excited at the good deals, but more than that, I really get into repurposing things and giving them a new life.  Some of my favorite finds: an old metal toolbox I have turned into a craft carry-all; a birdcage that became some yard art; a towel rack I turned into a 20160630_133818magazine rack; and a dish rack turned into file stacker. Among the best good-as-new things I have acquired include a Gillio Compagna leather planner and a massage chair.20160630_133850

And then, of course, there is my second chance at life as a solo/single woman – with kids, grandkids, dogs, and a mortgage.  Deciding what to be now, where to be, how to be…all that being unattached in a ring-finger way means.  20160630_133620This sabbatical has been such a blessing, giving me time to think, to rest, to dream, to explore, and get messy. I just see how I ever would have embarked on this journey of having my own small business if I been on the magic carpet that swept me off my feet, again.

Interestingly enough, I have planned and tested these consultant/speaker waters before. I was a freelancer back in the late 80’s, but when my safety net quit his job, I went back to a “real job.” I thought about it again when I had to write a business plan in college, but I didn’t want to do the required travel when I had kids in school. I toyed with it a little and picked up some side jobs (working vacation days) the next time I thought about it, but the travel again anchored me at home. Besides, I got very comfortable in the salary trappings.  20160630_133826

This book has come along at the exact right time. I need constant support right now to keep the flywheel of momentum spinning, propelling me forward, pushing me to open doors held by new people.  I’ve learned inspiration and support don’t always come in the form of a person or a seminar, and this book reminded me, too, that my own memories and the voices I hear in my head (my intuition, in case you are wondering) are powerful tools.  I even get to put words in Kevin’s mouth when I am really on a roll!

We all get second, and third, and fourth and more chances if we just accept what is offered…or if we ask for what we want and need. I am now thinking of them as blessings instead of screw-ups that need fixing. Each chance (or blessing) gives me the opportunity to try something new, to throw off what isn’t working, to play and imagine. In other words, to really live and keep on living.  I’m happy for my second chances. Are you?

 

Dragonflies

27 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by in Traditions, Transformation, Uncategorized

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There is a story about a woman grieving the death of her daughter, or maybe it’s the other way around. Anyway, the one asks for a sign that the other is okay in heaven, and her yard is suddenly filled with dragonflies – which the other one had loved. It was the sign.

This story (or a version of it) was told at the funeral of my mom Elsie in 2002. At the church, it was just a nice story. Until we got home later that day.  My brother pulled open the drapes to let in some sunlight, and there near the window, behind the drapes, was a dragonfly wind chime my mother must have put there. (Sidebar: my mom didn’t really like wind chimes; she thought they were noisy.) This discovery caused all of us to pause for a bit, each of us remembering the story told at the funeral.

Since then, dragonflies have become a “thing” in our family.  At last count, I had about 58 of them in or around my house, depending on whether you counted a string of lights as one or as 10, and decorated flip-flops at 2 or 20 (I did not count in 10’s and 20’s.). Since then, most birthday gifts and often the Christmas gifts have some dragonfly motif on them – for everyone in the family.

I recently came across an article about the symbolism of the dragonfly.  In almost every part of the world, it symbolizes change, the kind of change that is about the deeper meaning of life. Dragonflies also represent power and poise, because it is so agile and can move in all six directions (up, down, forward, backward, and side to side). A dragonfly can fly faster than my old Schwinn scooter could run (45 mph v. 30 mph).  And a dragonfly represents simplicity because it is so effective and efficient in how much power it uses (compared to other insects) to what it does – and with graceful movements at that.

Because of their short lifespan (only a few months), it seems to me they really excel at living in the moment, moving away from and toward their desires with 360* insight. Ah, the wonderful, beautiful dragonfly.

I thought of it more than usual today because I have been working on some tedious details of the new business, but when I went out to get the mail, I had an escort of dragonflies. They t20160627_170628old me to slow down, to remember the dance, to smell the flowers. They will take care of moving in six directions at once; all I have to do is watch them.

It’s satisfying – it’s calming -it’s …. it’s important and it makes me feel good to be welcomed by my dragonflies wherever I go. And to have my kids or grandchildren or nieces or other family stay connected to me and each other through our dragonflies. Once in while, we all get the same gift with the dragonfly on it, but sometimes they are all different, as we are different, too. It’s a game to find one the others don’t have, or that they would love. We, too, beyond the surface and look deeper into our relationships and other aspects of our lives. The amazing dragonfly, whose gifts come with age and maturity, keeps us mindful to live without regrets.

What do you share with  your family that keeps you connected, even when things change? What have you kept over the years, to remind you of your connections? Do you keep them out where people can admire them, or are they tucked away for your eyes only?

The Break-in

23 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by in Transformation, Uncategorized

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I was headed out to have lunch with a friend, my arms holding a purse, a bag of her things I was returning to her, and some library books that needed to be returned. The car was in the driveway, where it had been parked overnight. I opened the front passenger door and immediately saw some candy on the front seat. It was mine, and it had been in the center console. Which had been closed but was now open. I looked over to the driver side and noticed that my Owner’s Manual to the car, which had also been in the console, was out on the seat. Needless to say, I was late to lunch. I wasn’t exactly rattled, and I wasn’t even scared.  I was pi**ed off, and mad at myself because I figured it was maybe my own fault. Luckily, no damage to the car, but there was still a trespass if not a full break-in. .

The first question the officer asked me was if my car had been locked. I didn’t know. I usually lock it, but I have the kind of key fob that opens the door automatically when you are near it, and I just don’t recall if I heard the beep or not. It’s possible the car was unlocked.  What was missing?  My iPhone 5 that I only use because it has my music on it, and its charging cord. I have a new Samsung phone now that was in the house with me. The charging cord for that was in the car but it was not taken. I had a Tom Tom GPS in the car, and it wasn’t taken. CDs, still there.  A few dollars in change, still there.  Coats, umbrellas, blankets, maps, still there.

This has never happened to me before – a break-in, or theft. It turned out that about 20 homes in the area reported thefts from vehicles that same day. Including the people directly across the street from me. He had locked his truck, and left his wallet and several other things in his cab. They only took the gear from the back end under his locked topper. Which was later found in the trees a half block away. Someone else’s Tom Tom was found – I guess that’s why they didn’t need mine!  My phone is still missing.

Anyway, I felt better that I wasn’t singled out or targeted for this. Still, the first person I wanted to call was Kevin. He couldn’t have prevented it, he couldn’t have fixed it, he couldn’t have done anything…but he would have listened to me blow off steam. I miss that. And I know it’s one way I have of maintaining my balance, so I did had to tell someone. Luckily I had that lunch date set up, so Debra was my relief valve.

This incident reminded me, too, of other times I had to fly solo, even when I was married. I had a car accident once in New Mexico, and I was by myself. I fell out of the garage attic once in South Dakota (the ladder fell, leaving me no choice), and I was by myself.  I tripped on the deck stairs here and landed on my arse, and I was by myself. After I got off the phone with the police, I remembered these other times and that I had handled them by myself and adequately if not well. It made me feel  competent, even if I had forgotten to lock the car. (Oddly, not much has happened when I haven’t been married…so I guess that’s something to think about!)

When I think about living alone these days, I haven’t been scared or felt vulnerable or insecure, even when traveling by myself.  In fact, I feel strong, smart, and capable.  Yet, since I don’t have Kevin to protect me or beat up my tormentors for me, I had recently taken a self-defense course. I just wish I had seen or heard my thief so I could have had a chance to try out a few of my new moves while they were still fresh on my mind. I’m pretty sure I could have made him/her wish they had not chosen me to mess with. “Not here, not now, not you.” Kick, jab, shove, run.  But for all that bravado, I really hope I never have to use those skills. And now you can hear every car up and down the street beep-beeping as they get locked when we turn in.

If you find an iPhone with a pink and teal rubber protector case, it’s mine. I’d like it back. I just downloaded the new Blake Shelton CD….

 

Pieces of the Grieving Process

20 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by in Grief, Traditions, Transformation

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Yesterday morning I made myself some pancakes for breakfast. As I got out the plate from the cupboard, I was suddenly struck by the blah-ness of that plate.  I have used these plates for about a year and a half. Guess what happened a year and a half ago?? Yes, you guessed it; I started the next phase of my life.  I used to have these very pretty plates that I worked hard for, and I mean worked. I wanted them but didn’t want to pay the retail price, so I took a job selling Princess House products to earn them. It took me about a year to buy the full set and the stainless steel pots and pans, plus a few pretty bowls (I love big bowls!).  BTW, both sets of dishes are PH.

A few days after Kevin died, for some reason (subconscious, I’m sure), I put the pretty plates away and began using the clear glass plates and cereal bowls.  In fact,  I have never really liked the clear plates since I got those.  I can’t imagine buying a set like that now.  Anyway, before my pancakes got cold, I pulled the pretty set from where they had been stored and replaced the clear ones in the cabinet.  I am sure my pancakes tasted better! I know I felt better.

I had just finished breakfast when my phone rang, and it was a long-time friend of mine. Josie lost her husband Mike after a very quick diagnosis of pancreatic cancer in January of 2000, so 16 years ago.  I told her about the dishes, and she said, “Oh, Pat, I did the same thing!”  She said she sat at the table and cried one night shortly after Mike’s funeral, and it was because the dishes reminded her of Mike. She put them in a box and the next day went and bought a new set of dishes she has used ever since. We laughed over that, wondering what it was about the dishes. She has not regretted getting rid of her first set; I just put mine away in the bottom of the cupboards.

Later on I went upstairs for something and glanced at my bed.  It’s the same bed we shared, and I haven’t even changed the quilt, although sometimes I flip it over when I’m too lazy to wash it and so buy me a few more days. Oddly, I sleep on his side of the bed now, but when I’m in another bed in a hotel or at my sister’s, I sleep on “my” side. And I park on my side of the driveway still.  I sit at my same place at the dinner table. I sit at the same end of the couch when watching a movie. And I use my same sink at the double-sink vanity in the bathroom. But I gave away his recliner, his truck, and his boat, and I sold his motorcycle.

Why do certain things affect us the way they do, and others don’t? I can’t say.  Why do some things strike us as appropriate or inappropriate, acceptable or unacceptable, or necessary or unnecessary in the early days of our grief…and then shift again later (or not), as we move along in the grieving process and on through the days. This grief is a bit mercurial. I’m just glad I can laugh about it now. And I am okay with not having the answers. I just like noting that it is what it is.

Do you have a dish preference above? It’s okay either way; I’ve made up my mind which one I’m using, so I’m not looking for advice or agreement. I’m just curious.

 

This version of me

16 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief, New Biz, Transformation

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There are 11 things on my To Do list for today. Most of them were there yesterday, too, and some of them were also on the list Tuesday and Monday.  I should have come back from my trip home relaxed and refreshed and ready to do things. I came back with a handful of powerful questions AGAIN.

Should I pack up and move back to where my siblings are? Should I move closer to or very near to my children and grandchildren? How would things be different if I moved? What will my life be like if I stay?  Can I do this on my own? Now that I have stepped onto the path of The Next Thing, I should be more certain, right?

The good news is that “powerful” questions are those that empower you when you can think about them without getting overanxious, or that you can live with even when you don’t have the answers. Powerful questions propel you deeper and wider into discovering who you are, so you can BE even when you DO. This past year and a  half has seen a lot of time when I was feeling lost, which I now think means that my feelings were lost. Slow motion is not the same as slowing down. I was on autopilot way too often, and I didn’t honor my feelings. I just tried to wait them out, until I couldn’t any more.  When I realized I had to express them, and that I could express them, and I did express them, I let go of so much anxiety, fear, insecurity.  At the same time, I took in so much calmness and freshness and lightness.

Here is what it’s been like to feel my feelings just in these past couple of weeks. I was enchanted with the farmlands and the peacefulness of the Minnesota landscape. I was joyful to be riding around with my sisters, going for tats, shopping, and birthday dinner.  I was proud to have my brother show me around his workplace, and I noticed I missed male comraderie (admit it – they just think differently than women do). I was very happy to spend an evening with Kevin’s kids and grandkids, and to feel the peace of being connected to him. I felt like the old me again when I had dinner with two former co-workers who “knew me when.” And I laughed again with two good friends who knew me before I was with Kevin.  In all those ways and more, I was the old me again, and it felt good.

Then I came home Friday and jumped right into a packed schedule.  I went to an educational class on Sunday night, and I got pumped up because I learned something new, something that made sense, something that will definitely work for me. On Monday morning, I had breakfast with a good friend here, and I came away feeling so positive about myself. I spent that evening in a speaker academy class, and I was actively engaged in the discussions. Tuesday I stayed in bed with dogs until 11:30, and I loved every minute of not having to get up.  I spent part of the afternoon at the library, loving the freedom to go in the middle of the day. Wednesday I went to a networking event for women, and I met some fabulous new people and participated in a Wisdom Circle. It’s a forum I have been looking for, and I was completely satisfied I had found it.  Last night I went for ice cream with another friend and again felt a certainty about The Next Thing. I’ve read two books in two days, once sitting on my deck for an afternoon in the warm sun.  I was just doing what felt good to me.  Both here and while on my trip.

So what I know is this.  I cannot give up the wonderful flexibility of working from home, for myself.  I am willing to work hard to keep that. I have love in my life, and blossoming friendships, and intellectual stimulation…all things I need and will not give up on. I have learned to appreciate the moment, and I am pretty good these days at catching myself while in that flow as it is happening.  I have learned to slow down even while keeping busy.  I have an abundance of wonderful people and things and experiences in my life.  It doesn’t matter where I am, because this is the real me, the me I want to be.  So I will stay a little longer because I like this version of me.  I’ll just make sure to visit Minnesota (and my families) more often.

I got a tat!

13 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by in Transformation

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I got my first (and last and only) tattoo about 10 days ago.  Yes, it hurt!! It wasn’t some random act of rebellion; it was a sign of solidarity with my sisters who also each got one. Usually we do things the same, but thankfully, we each chose what we wanted  instead of settling for a single message.

I got a bow and arrow, after some deliberation. No, not because Kevin was a hunter. I decided that something as permanent as a tattoo had to have perpetual meaning for me. One of very favorite quotes is from the poet Kahlil Gibran, and his book The Prophet is the basis of my most of my philosophy of life. I studied it in a humanities class in high school, and it has stuck with me these past 40 years. There is a chapter in this book that reads:

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

…

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness. For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves the bow that is stable.

I have interpreted this in my tattoo.  I am in the bow from which my children have been sent forth into the world, and they have indeed gone swift and far.  I am also an arrow from the bow that was my parents. My marriage was a bow, from which Kevin has gone forth to the infinite, and from which I am now soaring on my own path. The picture of my tattoo is next to the one from Gibran’s book.

Gibran’s drawing from The Prophet

Do you have a tattoo? If so, what does it represent? If not, what would it be about if you were to get one? I’d like to hear from you.

 

 

On the road again

01 Wednesday Jun 2016

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It is high school graduation time, so I’m heading to Minnesota to celebrate with a goddaughter and a godson.  I stopped to see Kevin’s mom on the way and had a great visit. I’ll be seeing my siblings soon and am anticipating that our annual birthday bash will live up our expectations (tattoos on the agenda this time).

 

It’s a long drive from Virginia, as in DAYS long. But I’m glad I drove, especially this time of year. Except for the occasional dark skies and thunderstorms.  I love the green fields, the farmsteads, the cows, the tractors. It’s all so peaceful looking, so wholesome, so natural. And the vistas are wonderful – you can see for miles. One frustration I’ve had in Virginia is that all the trees mean you can’t see much. It’s not exactly claustrophobic, but it doesn’t inspire me to breathe deeply and relax the way the wide open spaces do.

Another great thing about a road trip is the time to empty out the brain and let the mind wander…while paying attention to the driving, of course. At home, I  rarely take long stretches of time to not think, or to daydream about what I’m seeing – to put on my Observer hat. No judgments, just seeing what there is to see. It’s really quite freeing to see without analyzing or labeling or judging.

The closer I get to “home,” the better I feel. I miss my furry boys and kind of wish I had brought them. But it’s better for them to stay with the house sitter. Less stress for all of us. I see the Craftsman and farm style houses and wish I had one, with gleaming wood floors, built-in cabinets, and warm fuzzy feelings all around. I definitely like my current house a lot, don’t get me wrong. Maybe it’s just the nostalgia or homesickness talking; give me one winter up north and I would maybe change my thoughts quickly! And, to0,  I suppose after several days of 24/7 sibling time, I’ll be ready to get back to my own place.

It’s been interesting to drive through places Kevin and I have been. I caught myself talking to him in the car, saying things like, “Remember when we went there and had those Maid-Rites that you bragged about and I didn’t like?” Or, “Remember when we were almost in that tornado and I was freaking out? This rain reminds me of that.”  I am sure when I eat some good walleye I’ll tell  him about that, too;  it was one of our favorite meals.

We used to do a lot of road tripping – to Saskatoon, Canada; to Maine for lobster and to see the fall colors; to Arkansas to ride motorcycles; to Florida to see family; and countless trips to Minnesota and Iowa from South Dakota. I have also driven solo to New Mexico and Colorado a few times, plus the moving trip to Virginia. It never gets old to see the country – and off of the Interstates.  I’m happy that my GyPSy gives me an “alternate route” option so I can slow the pace down some.

I can remember and say those things without crying now.  I am healing.

PS-here’s a shot of Ida, the ice cream clerk in a small town I stopped at in Indiana. She was so Midwestern Nice: helpful, offering different cone and cup styles, and checking to see which scoop I wanted on the bottom: the dark cherry or the vanilla.  She acted like I had known her forever. Ida

Taking care of myself

26 Thursday May 2016

Posted by in Budgeting, Gratitude, Transformation

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For quite a while, at least since I left my job last fall for this sabbatical time, I have deprived myself of some relatively small joys.  I am not sure if it’s the money angle, or the feeling that I don’t deserve nice, new things if I’m not working.  I never used to think that my identity was tied up in my day job, but I have to give that more thought now.

I have had some cushions on the chairs on the deck for a few years. They are faded, mismatched, and getting ragged. They sure didn’t inspire me to spend much time outside.  In fact, I had thrown some on the floor so the dogs could use them as beds, and I only kept 2 chairs out. Plus a cute wire bench that was a little out of place.

Anyway, Tuesday I was over at my friend Karine’s house. She has a shady yard like me, and as we walked around, I noticed that she had oodles of plants randomly growing here and there, some of them in need of thinning. She just bought the house last December, so she hasn’t had time to work on the yard, or to even get through a season so she’d know what might pop up. I mentioned to her that I liked her hostas and was planning to get some for my yard. Hers were a different variety than the few I have. She offered for me to dig up some of hers, which I politely declined.  I wanted them, but I felt like she might have interpreted my comment as a somewhat veiled beggar’s request. She practically insisted I take some, and I was glad to finally accept her offer. Thanks, Karine, for your generosity. It’s hard to remember that sometimes you need to accept in order to gift someone with the joy of giving.

An hour later, I had cleared the area by my deck of the leaves I had not raked last fall and successfully transplanted about 7 sets of small hostas.  I even had a bag of mulch in my garage from when Kevin had been doing yard work 2 years ago. A bag I had moved and pushed and rearranged several times in the process of organizing my garage.

The new little plantings spurred me to do something about those cushions so I could enjoy my evening outdoors. I went to Home Depot and Lowes, but each of them wanted $35 for one set, and the colors this season seem to be too muted for my taste. I ended up at WalMart, where I got them for $14 each. And a rug on sale for $44.  For just a hair over $100 and some sweat, I had a refreshed look. That evening I sat outside and watched the stars make an appearance last night, and enjoying the twinkle lights I had put up last year, and in the morning I couldn’t wait to get out there and have my coffee before it got too hot.

It’s true what they say – it’s the little things that count. I’m proud of the “I did it myself” feeling I got from the transplants. And I think to have a First Class Lifestyle, as Karine is all about, I need to give myself the things that make me feel good about myself – proud of my efforts, of my good buy, and of taking care of myself. Instead of sitting out there by myself, maybe I’ll even invite some friends over to enjoy my new old deck with me.

 

Random thoughts today…

23 Monday May 2016

Posted by in Sabbatical, Transformation

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After a week away for my new work, I purposely scheduled today as a “don’t schedule anything” day. And then I made an appointment to drop off paperwork for my client and attended a short-notice coaching-the-coach session. It was late afternoon before I finally got to the miscellany catch-up stuff. Here are some resulting random thoughts.

Online rewards and other accounts and passwords

1. I updated my list of passwords for online accounts, since I had to reset a few while I was gone because hotel fog set in and I couldn’t remember them. Including all the rewards cards I have (for which I have yet to see anything worth keeping up with all of them), I now have 99 accounts for which I need Usernames and Passwords!  I now have 36 different passwords so clearly I use some of the same ones sometimes, but what kills me is when some automatically expire after 90 days and have to be reset, like the banking, and you can’t use one you’ve used in the last X days.

Email accounts

2.  I now have 4 of my own email accounts – and I don’t even have an employer “work” account. What I also don’t have but should is one for all the junk mail, those you get asked for at Ace Hardware or Michael’s, etc.  I really hate to give out my email only to get blitzed daily with special offers, coupons, and reminders.  How fast can you type “unsubscribe”?

MLM

3.  Multi-level-marketing (MLM) appears to still be going strong. I was approached very today about helping build his business by building my own. The interesting thing is that this is backwards to my new philosophy: I help someone before I ask them to help me.  ‘Nuff said; I am declining that offer.

Alarm Clocks

4.  I had to set an alarm every day last week for work. And by 9 pm every night I was ready for beddy-bye.  I got home and did not set my alarm Saturday or Sunday, and it was peaceful to instead wake to raindrops and birdsong.  This morning I wanted to start a new routine, so I set the alarm and decided I would try keeping at least banker’s hours. No go. I hit the snooze a few times, and finally got up well after 8.  And it felt right. I am convinced my natural rhythym is not in sync with early rising, even though I did it for 40 years. I skipped lunch entirely and had an early supper at 5.  This is how life is supposed to be: easy!

TV as computer monitor

5. Since I got rid of cable television a few months ago, I have two unused tv sets. The smaller of the two has about a 32″ screen. It turns out that with an HDMI cable, a 32″ tv make a swell computer monitor!  It’s kind of in my face, but as soon as I get comfortable sitting further back, which gives me more surface space on the desk, I know I’m gonna love it.  Now this is upcycling!  (Truth: it does block a little more of the window, though.)

So what does all this have to do with my life these days? Today is the 1-1/2 year mark since Kevin’s death. It’s taken me this long to regain my confidence and focus on random thoughts – which seems like an oxymoron, but I think it’s not. It wasn’t that long ago that such randomness would have felt like an incurable inability to focus, that I was going to be forever incapable of concentrating. Instead, the fact that I can find themes even in random thoughts is a release of sorts. I am taking bigger and bigger steps on my own, and comfortable doing things my way. Not as a defense mechanism or coping skill, not as a default mode. But with intention, and acceptance of the Me that is. I am not random, and life is not random. Being able to hold a few random thoughts at the same time is a sign of critical thinking and not of freaking out because of the inanity of it all. I’m liking this new old Me.