Category Archives: Transformation

I got a tat!

13 Monday Jun 2016

Posted by in Transformation

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I got my first (and last and only) tattoo about 10 days ago.  Yes, it hurt!! It wasn’t some random act of rebellion; it was a sign of solidarity with my sisters who also each got one. Usually we do things the same, but thankfully, we each chose what we wanted  instead of settling for a single message.

I got a bow and arrow, after some deliberation. No, not because Kevin was a hunter. I decided that something as permanent as a tattoo had to have perpetual meaning for me. One of very favorite quotes is from the poet Kahlil Gibran, and his book The Prophet is the basis of my most of my philosophy of life. I studied it in a humanities class in high school, and it has stuck with me these past 40 years. There is a chapter in this book that reads:

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

…

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness. For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves the bow that is stable.

I have interpreted this in my tattoo.  I am in the bow from which my children have been sent forth into the world, and they have indeed gone swift and far.  I am also an arrow from the bow that was my parents. My marriage was a bow, from which Kevin has gone forth to the infinite, and from which I am now soaring on my own path. The picture of my tattoo is next to the one from Gibran’s book.

Gibran’s drawing from The Prophet

Do you have a tattoo? If so, what does it represent? If not, what would it be about if you were to get one? I’d like to hear from you.

 

 

Taking care of myself

26 Thursday May 2016

Posted by in Budgeting, Gratitude, Transformation

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For quite a while, at least since I left my job last fall for this sabbatical time, I have deprived myself of some relatively small joys.  I am not sure if it’s the money angle, or the feeling that I don’t deserve nice, new things if I’m not working.  I never used to think that my identity was tied up in my day job, but I have to give that more thought now.

I have had some cushions on the chairs on the deck for a few years. They are faded, mismatched, and getting ragged. They sure didn’t inspire me to spend much time outside.  In fact, I had thrown some on the floor so the dogs could use them as beds, and I only kept 2 chairs out. Plus a cute wire bench that was a little out of place.

Anyway, Tuesday I was over at my friend Karine’s house. She has a shady yard like me, and as we walked around, I noticed that she had oodles of plants randomly growing here and there, some of them in need of thinning. She just bought the house last December, so she hasn’t had time to work on the yard, or to even get through a season so she’d know what might pop up. I mentioned to her that I liked her hostas and was planning to get some for my yard. Hers were a different variety than the few I have. She offered for me to dig up some of hers, which I politely declined.  I wanted them, but I felt like she might have interpreted my comment as a somewhat veiled beggar’s request. She practically insisted I take some, and I was glad to finally accept her offer. Thanks, Karine, for your generosity. It’s hard to remember that sometimes you need to accept in order to gift someone with the joy of giving.

An hour later, I had cleared the area by my deck of the leaves I had not raked last fall and successfully transplanted about 7 sets of small hostas.  I even had a bag of mulch in my garage from when Kevin had been doing yard work 2 years ago. A bag I had moved and pushed and rearranged several times in the process of organizing my garage.

The new little plantings spurred me to do something about those cushions so I could enjoy my evening outdoors. I went to Home Depot and Lowes, but each of them wanted $35 for one set, and the colors this season seem to be too muted for my taste. I ended up at WalMart, where I got them for $14 each. And a rug on sale for $44.  For just a hair over $100 and some sweat, I had a refreshed look. That evening I sat outside and watched the stars make an appearance last night, and enjoying the twinkle lights I had put up last year, and in the morning I couldn’t wait to get out there and have my coffee before it got too hot.

It’s true what they say – it’s the little things that count. I’m proud of the “I did it myself” feeling I got from the transplants. And I think to have a First Class Lifestyle, as Karine is all about, I need to give myself the things that make me feel good about myself – proud of my efforts, of my good buy, and of taking care of myself. Instead of sitting out there by myself, maybe I’ll even invite some friends over to enjoy my new old deck with me.

 

Random thoughts today…

23 Monday May 2016

Posted by in Sabbatical, Transformation

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After a week away for my new work, I purposely scheduled today as a “don’t schedule anything” day. And then I made an appointment to drop off paperwork for my client and attended a short-notice coaching-the-coach session. It was late afternoon before I finally got to the miscellany catch-up stuff. Here are some resulting random thoughts.

Online rewards and other accounts and passwords

1. I updated my list of passwords for online accounts, since I had to reset a few while I was gone because hotel fog set in and I couldn’t remember them. Including all the rewards cards I have (for which I have yet to see anything worth keeping up with all of them), I now have 99 accounts for which I need Usernames and Passwords!  I now have 36 different passwords so clearly I use some of the same ones sometimes, but what kills me is when some automatically expire after 90 days and have to be reset, like the banking, and you can’t use one you’ve used in the last X days.

Email accounts

2.  I now have 4 of my own email accounts – and I don’t even have an employer “work” account. What I also don’t have but should is one for all the junk mail, those you get asked for at Ace Hardware or Michael’s, etc.  I really hate to give out my email only to get blitzed daily with special offers, coupons, and reminders.  How fast can you type “unsubscribe”?

MLM

3.  Multi-level-marketing (MLM) appears to still be going strong. I was approached very today about helping build his business by building my own. The interesting thing is that this is backwards to my new philosophy: I help someone before I ask them to help me.  ‘Nuff said; I am declining that offer.

Alarm Clocks

4.  I had to set an alarm every day last week for work. And by 9 pm every night I was ready for beddy-bye.  I got home and did not set my alarm Saturday or Sunday, and it was peaceful to instead wake to raindrops and birdsong.  This morning I wanted to start a new routine, so I set the alarm and decided I would try keeping at least banker’s hours. No go. I hit the snooze a few times, and finally got up well after 8.  And it felt right. I am convinced my natural rhythym is not in sync with early rising, even though I did it for 40 years. I skipped lunch entirely and had an early supper at 5.  This is how life is supposed to be: easy!

TV as computer monitor

5. Since I got rid of cable television a few months ago, I have two unused tv sets. The smaller of the two has about a 32″ screen. It turns out that with an HDMI cable, a 32″ tv make a swell computer monitor!  It’s kind of in my face, but as soon as I get comfortable sitting further back, which gives me more surface space on the desk, I know I’m gonna love it.  Now this is upcycling!  (Truth: it does block a little more of the window, though.)

So what does all this have to do with my life these days? Today is the 1-1/2 year mark since Kevin’s death. It’s taken me this long to regain my confidence and focus on random thoughts – which seems like an oxymoron, but I think it’s not. It wasn’t that long ago that such randomness would have felt like an incurable inability to focus, that I was going to be forever incapable of concentrating. Instead, the fact that I can find themes even in random thoughts is a release of sorts. I am taking bigger and bigger steps on my own, and comfortable doing things my way. Not as a defense mechanism or coping skill, not as a default mode. But with intention, and acceptance of the Me that is. I am not random, and life is not random. Being able to hold a few random thoughts at the same time is a sign of critical thinking and not of freaking out because of the inanity of it all. I’m liking this new old Me.

 

 

My Get-A-Life Tree

21 Saturday May 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Sabbatical, Transformation

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Last year, when I was really stuck in my grief, I kept trying to “see” my way out of the sad,  dark hole I knew I was dangerously close to.  I’ve always been a fan of Vision Boards and I tried to use that as a way to keep the last flicker of hope alight. I tried reading messages of hope by others, but that didn’t work either. I tried making small goals and updated my Bucket List. What I discovered somewhere along the way was that I needed to stop trying to live in the future, and to just enjoy today. After all, “we know not the hour,” as the saying goes. Tomorrow is not guaranteed, as I learned first-hand.

My thinking kept coming back to the idea that I had to get a life…not a new life, but more like getting back to my old life somehow. I started making lists of things I could do if I wanted to do them, like take my motorcycle out and go riding. I also listed things I used to do that I hadn’t done in a while, that I could do again, such as canoeing or kayaking, or bowling or dancing.  Then I made a list of things I might enjoy if I tried them, like solo camping, or sailing.  And then I made a list of things I just knew I didn’t want to do again, like rollerblading!  Just the exercise of making these lists got me interested in life again, and gave me stops on memory lane to enjoy rather than only my time with Kevin and the things we were not longer going to be able to do together.

I never have thought of myself as a creative person, although I have enjoyed doing crafts, and coloring, and visualizing.  One day I found myself with some crayons and paper and my lists.  I had been doing mind-mapping exercises for a work project I was on, and I mapped out these lists.  This is what I came up with.

tree2

For weeks, I would look at that and remember the me I used to be and think about the me I wanted to be.  As you can see, I added a branch for travel, and I organized into categories. I was content to just have the list and know that I could do these things if I wanted.

Days turned into months, and soon I was approaching the one year anniversary of Kevin’s passing, and that was also nearing the time I used to make New Year’s Resolutions. I combined my resolutions and my bucket list with some goals.  It came out like this.

wish list 2016

It wasn’t very pretty, and I didn’t feel inspired.  I tacked it to my bulletin board and let it sit. One day, spring arrived, and I had a new idea.  I had been on my sabbatical and given myself some time to catch up on my sleep and let my body recover from the roller coaster ride it had been on.  I was washing dishes when I fixated on some holiday ornaments that had been overlooked and were on my kitchen windowsill.  They were three Santas, holding signs that said Live, Love, Laugh.  Only I saw Live, Love, Matter.  And I knew what I had to do.

I got back out my paper and colored pens, and this time I drew my future. I took pieces of my various lists and put them into new categories, of how I could know I was living, loving, and mattering.  The new result was this.

tree1

I knew that if I did these things, and thought of them as signposts along the way, I would be able to redesign my life, while at the same time, achieving progress toward my definition of a successful life.

It’s not on the list, but this past week I found myself doing something I hadn’t done in a very long time – pre-Kevin, in fact. I used to go on work trips and find a day before or after whatever event I was attending to explore the area on my own and do a little window shopping. For some reason, once I met Kevin, I denied myself this pleasure; maybe because he wasn’t there to share it with me so I stopped.  But in DC I took the early train instead of the late train, and after checking into the hotel, I caught a trolley and explored Old Town Alexandria and the waterfront. I had a late lunch at Madelaine’s, and I window shopped for a couple of hours. I eventually made my way to a store called Sacred Circle, home of new-thought-type books, tarot card readers, and all things metaphysical. I splurged on a book on Japanese art of decluttering (not feng shui) and an  Oracle card deck to provide me “immediate access” to my Divine Spirit.

I can’t tell you how much joy this little afternoon sojourn brought me. Something I had been carrying around in my head disappeared and I actually felt lighter as I walked along the cobblestoned streets. I stopped in another store to have a manicure and pampered myself. Whatever path I am on was reinforced. All my past drama and stress gave way to light and peace.

My work in DC went exceptionally well after that. I had been resisting returning to my former familiar work environment of courts, but I discovered a new sense of pride in being able to share my experiences and helping others on their way to  becoming the leaders of tomorrow in their courts.

I am grateful that my life has come full circle.  Or rather, has come around on this part of the spiral and has propelled me forward to a renewed future. Kevin, I thank you and my Divine Spirit for this gift.  My card today says it’s time to take charge of my life. You have to love the Spirit’s sense of humor.

rebel

Abundance abounds

09 Monday May 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief, Transformation

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Last week was an incredible (as in amazing, not unbelievable, because I do believe) week in terms of abundance making its way to me. I have been focusing on having a lifestyle full of abundance: abundant health, abundant friends, abundant money and other gifts, abundant love. Let me tell you about three messages I received that validate how not only the Law of Attraction works, but how the world works. I didn’t just manifest these things, I truly believe these are proof that the Universe responds to what we need.

Linda

First, I got a phone call from my friend Linda. We were both court administrators back in the mid-to- late 90’s, in the same judicial district in Minnesota.  I left there in 2000, and she retired not to long after that.  We managed to see each other once during these intervening years, and there has also been the infrequent phone call and, of course, Facebook.  Last week Tuesday she called me and told me how much she loves reading this blog. In fact, she wanted to know when I would turn it in to a book she can buy because she wants to give it as a gift. Her brother passed away recently, and she thinks her sister-in-law could use some support.  I was thrilled to hear from her, sad about the brother, and flattered by her encouragement to continue my efforts. You might think this was a bit of a random call (but it wasn’t, according to the Universe); it came  at a time when I have been in need of support for starting my own business. I felt validated.  Thanks, Linda!

Pauly

Then, on Wednesday night, I got another “random” phone call. Pauly was a very good friend of my mother, and she lost her husband after a 5 year battle with cancer about a year ago.  I have been friendly with Pauly, see her occasionally at family events (the last time was a year ago at my niece’s wedding).  I must have been outside with dogs and missed the call but she left me a voice mail message that said this:

“I just felt moved to tell you that I appreciate your blog and I appreciate what you are doing with your business.  You are really an inspiration and I want to thank you. I hope you continue to do well.  You’re helping me to get along with my – whatever you want to call it – widowship? or whatever it is. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you.” 

How amazing is that?  I called her back the next night, and we had a lovely conversation.  She also has a step-daughter who recently suffered a loss, and she hopes she will at least read the blog if not talk to me for that necessary listening ear. I felt “right,” like I am on the right path. Thanks, Pauly! (I saved your voice mail.)

Carol

But that’s not all.  Saturday I went to a Toastmasters speech contest in Chesapeake, about 60 miles or so from here. I met a woman named Carol, who has light black hair like me, except she puts purple streaks in hers.  (Oh, yes, I am considering it!)  We hit it off instantly, and it turns out she lost her husband two weeks after Kevin passed away.  We agreed to have lunch soon. Yesterday morning I got this email from her:

“When I met you yesterday, it was like looking in a mirror of my life. I was so surprised and delighted to know you are working through the same things I am for the same reasons. I have so got to get to know you better. I am not going to overwhelm you. I just wanted to know how you are doing some  of the things you are into.”

I felt needed, like I have something of value to share with her. And it’s all good, no pity-parties planned.  Thanks, Carol! (I saved your email.)

Abundant blessings and gratitude

So here I am, looking to feed my soul, and along come three amazing women all in one week, to offer nourishment.  I am so grateful for their friendship, their messages, and their timing. And I am doubly grateful that I am in a place emotionally and intellectually where I can recognize this blessing.  Thank you, God!!  And all because Kevin passed to the next place.  I miss you still, and I think of you all the time, but mostly, I thank you for showing me who I can be.  This business thing was our plan for quite a while, and now I’m doing it! A year ago I couldn’t see this as an option, but now I can’t see how I missed it. I was blessed to have you in my life, and I’m now blessed by you. PS-I trust the money wlll follow soon.  ;o)

 

Drinking from a fire hose

16 Saturday Apr 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Grief, Transformation

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As I have been learning about starting a speaking business, I keep circling back to what my core message is, who my target audience is, and what kind of problem I am trying to solve. And circle I do, round and round and round. I wish I had Kevin here again to steady me and catch me when I get dizzy.

Cory Mosley: Presence Principle

This morning I attended an NSA session on being “credible, likeable, and bankable.”  A lot of good stuff from Cory Mosley on the Presence Principle.  He talked quite a bit about use of social media (Meerkat? Anchor? Blab? Medium??), all of which I know not enough, apparently.  And then he talked about content distribution on personal blogs, radio, 3rd party blogs, tv, published columns, and online video.(What?!? I’m just a one-person shop right now.)  And written testimonials, video testimonials, audio testimonials, and online testimonials. (Yikes! Do I need more equipment?)  Check out corymosley.com.  He’s got some great information, and was worthwhile listening to. I was scribbling notes as fast as I could write.

Harold Wood: speech critique

In the afternoon, our Speaker Academy class had a session with Harold Wood of www.motivationalentertainer.com.  His goal was to help us further develop our message, add some pizazz to our presentations, and become more memorable to our audiences.  He succeeded! My task was to give a 5 minute presentation (yes, only 5 minutes) for him to critique. I did my speech on generating ideas for your bucket list. I used the fact of Kevin’s death as a prompt to think about what your eulogy might offer, and how we take for granted having time to accomplish our bucket list.  My 5 minutes were up before I got half-way through my speech.  On the plus side, I kept my emotions together while talking about Kevin’s premature death.  On the downside, once Harold started telling me what he liked about the speech and how powerful he thought it was (and offering his condolences), I teared up and struggled to regain my composure. In the end, what he had to offer was very useful feedback, and I’m glad I had it all recorded so I could remember what he said in my moments of feeling vulnerable. He urged me to turn my speech into a keynote and to market my catch-phrases.

Brendon Burchard: I liked his words too much!

As soon as I got home tonight, I looked up the availability of my key words. Taken!  In fact, a very well-known author and speaker has used the exact phrases I used in my overall theme.  I can only surmise that someone told me these same words, or I heard them somewhere else, in the early days of my grieving, or when I was thinking of starting my own business several years ago (since he wrote them in 2011).  I’m glad they stuck with me, since they still give me comfort and inspiration now.  They are “live, love, matter” and the author is Brendon Burchard (MillionaireMessenger.com).    But now I can’t use them, at least not the same way I had planned.

Me: still not 100% sure

The bottom line is, participating in this Speakers Academy (nsavirginia.org) has been like drinking from a fire hose every month, and all month long between sessions.  It excites me to consider the possibilities, and I am grateful that the members are so generous with their time and experiences in helping us wannabes get a foot in the door.  I have waffled back and forth  about using my grief experience/transformation as my main topic for development, or sticking in the business lane of court management, which I have done for 25 years.  Either way, a business is a business, and I have much to learn and absorb and explore.  And a mortgage to pay every month.

It seems like the fire hose is always on, full force; there is no out-of-water, roll it up and put it away break.  Every time I go to a class or NSA meeting, I get charged up.  I can’t wait to spend time thinking about it and trying out the ideas.  Before I can get too far, though, it’s time for the next session, and there is so much more to add to the lists I am compiling.

Kevin: you are always on my mind

It’s times like this when I wish Kevin were here, telling me that it will all be okay. I remember when I was working on my ICM Fellows certification, and I was frustrated that my survey results weren’t computing, which meant my research was off kilter. He had no idea what I was talking about, but he patiently listened, and then tried to fix it – which as you might guess, was NOT what I wanted.  But he helped me through it nonetheless. And many other similar “crises” over the years. I guess I am moving out of the wandering-around zone toward my new-life zone now, though, because I can remember these times and they lift me up instead of bringing me down to not have him here by my side…in my world. I am thankful for the time we did have, instead of mourning that the clock stopped.

 

Back to work?

11 Monday Apr 2016

Posted by in Budgeting, Sabbatical, Transformation

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I imagined this sabbatical to last about a year, although I didn’t really have a plan beyond restoring my energy, focus, and emotional balance.  I made a budget, got some books from the library, watched a LOT of tv (mostly Hallmark movies) and played on my computer.  I took walks when the weather was nice.  I slept a LOT. Basically, I vegged out.  And it was good. But …

Yes, there’s always a “but,” isn’t there?  But it turns out I get bored easily.  And I like to spend money.  So I paid for a year-long, once-a-month online course supplemented by occasional live get-togethers and meetings.  In my defense, it is an investment in my new future.  I decided to start my own speaking and consulting business, and I hired a consultant to help me get it off to a good start.  So far, so good!  I’m getting excited about it.  I like starting things, and I’m very good at it.  I am great at organization and planning.  This is my wheelhouse.  But is it my dream? Today, I’m not 100% sure; I hope it’s the antihistamines making me groggy  (see below).

Then there is the travel trailer I bought, and which I have yet to take out of storage and go camping in.  That’s not all bad, though, since it has not been de-winterized, and we had a low of 27 the other night. I’m waiting for better weather, which means warmer days and less thunderstorms and wind.  We’ve had a lot of that. In fact, I’ve had a couple of large branches come down in my back yard, and they are still there. I haven’t had the oompah to get out there and clean it up.But I bought the camper to go places while on this sabbatical, and I haven’t yet gone anywhere in it.

Adding to the slight feeling of uncertainty  is the high pollen count lately and its impact on my allergies. I’m on my second box of Sudafed.  Nose is getting sore, eyes are itchy and twitchy, and my throat is getting froggy. I just want to keep my head on the pillow.  But now I’ve got appointments set up to talk about this new business, and things to do to prepare for the appointments, like work on a business plan, and fill out licensing paperwork, and think up a name and logo and company colors and website design. I find myself procrastinating some. So I’m enlisting help from a focus group made up of friends to give me advice and act as a sounding board.

On the really good side, I do enjoy teaching – or workshopping – more than “speaking.”  I have just agreed to teach 3 classes for my former employer, the National Center for State Courts, in Washington DC next month.  That will ease my transition pressure and get me back in the swing of things. And it buys me time to get the details of a business worked out, since I don’t have that all in place quite yet.

All of this is the long, roundabout way of saying I guess I’m going back to work several months early. But this time, finally, I’m going to be smarter about it.  Having had the freedom of time due to the sabbatical, I know how much I need to have my own kind of schedule, with breaks for creative time in between bursts of “work.”  I know from the budget and a few months of reality the minimum amount of money I need to meet the bills and the financial security I want. Either way it’s scary to not have a safety net of someone else to bring in income, or help with household chores when I’m gone, and support me when I’m afraid or just tired.  Oh, and figuring out if I like myself as a boss!

I plan to keep up this blog, because it is about me and how I’m changing now that I’m flying solo. I know I’m slightly different in subtle ways that maybe only I realize. And I know I have more to think about in that regard.  The temp work will be a way to ease back into the routine and see how I respond. The life examined, and all that.   I’m still working on a book, and maybe I’ll even find a way to make Solowingnow my primary focus.  For now, it will be interesting to watch myself as I both return to the familiar and dip my toes in the new water at the same time. Wish me well!

 

My awareness is showing!

28 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Sabbatical, Transformation

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Now that I have made the decision to start my own business as an author/speaker and consultant, the internal machinery has kicked in to support this. But I have suddenly gone from enjoying a sabbatical where I read and relaxed and spent a fair bit of time thinking, to having lists and making appointments and keeping my fingernails short because of all the computer work.  I feel the pressure to produce, to justify the time off I know I desperately needed, and to position myself as competitive in this endeavor.There are a million things to learn, such as how to position myself, and to do, such as develop a marketing strategy, among the obvious tasks, such as making a list of potential clients and working to refine my speech scripts. My inner businesswoman is kicking and yelling at me to slow down.

Why can’t I just stay in the easy flow of forward progress, instead of trying to force a rapid outcome? I think this is one of my challenges, to keep me from burnout (again?).  If I have to have a schedule, and apparently I do, then I must schedule time for me.  Time to read and think and drink tea, instead of skimming headlines and gulping my coffee.  Time to express myself creatively in doodling, to enjoy whatever I’m doing. To be for the sake of being, instead of do for the sake of doing.

Even an upcoming  short trip to visit my kids and grandkids is becoming a production of laundry, lists for the house/dog sitter about mail and meds and plants, making sure bills are paid ahead of time and that trash gets out and my hair gets cut and the milk is used up so it won’t spoil and smell up the refrigerator. I have gone from zero to sixty things to do in a single morning.

The good news is that my awareness of how I am responding to this pressure has become recognizable sooner. I’m grateful for that positive change in me.  Rather than flopping onto the bed exhausted tonight, I am already consciously making myself slow down so I can anticipate the trip and get some quality time with Buddy and Bo.  I’m even marking up my calendar for when I get back home so that I have catch-up time before I dive into the To Do lists again.( I think  a massage is definitely going to be  in order then!)

That is one of my keys to getting more enjoyment out of life…being aware of what’s happening when it’s happening and then choosing a preferred response instead of running around in confusion and settling for a default lifestyle. I used to have Kevin to take care of the details of home and dog care when I was traveling.  As I accept that it’s now all on me, I have to approach my planning differently.  In that sense, my sabbatical has been successful.  I know more about what I want when I want it.  And right now, I just want to be one of those people who seems to float through her days, calm and not so much in control as accepting of what unfolds, aware it will all turn out fine. It always does, even though it’s just me now.

 

Focus Group/advisors

24 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by in Grief, Sabbatical, Transformation, Uncategorized

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File_001 (6) I am excited to host my first focus group this afternoon.  I have invited several of my neighbors, all of whom are now retired, in to give me some advice, identify local resources, and help hold me accountable for going “official” and starting a business.  I want to combine my grief experience and my work history, along with the personal sabbatical, to help others who are facing challenges in their lives.  Significant, difficult or emotional life events have implications at home and at work, and in how we deal with the rest of the world.  I want people to be able to do more than just survive their contact with whatever enemy they are facing; wouldn’t it be great to know – really know in your heart – that will be okay, that you may even thrive as you get stronger again.

The world of work often talks about Succession Planning. In fact, I have researched it and been published and spoken at conferences about this subject.  What isn’t talked about is how we prepare for succeeding with both our personal and professional lives when we are dealt a significant life event, how as supervisors or employers we manage an employee who is going through a significant life event, what kind of contingency plans are helpful, and how we keep on keeping on in the midst of it all.  And for the record, death isn’t the only significant life event we encounter: a baby can be born prematurely, a car accident disables someone, a cancer diagnosis, a fall down the steps, a child’s experimentation with drugs, a financial setback…and many other things not as “big” but still significant grievable events that can (and do)  alter the landscape.

Many people like to refer to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ work on the 5 Stages of Grief when we are dealing with grief.  Those are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. What isn’t as well known is that her work was intended to address the stages of dying, not death.  Subsequent research has offered a better explanation of the many stages of grieving any major event.I found this from the East Kootenay Lutheran Parish in Canada.  It was my experience, and much more helpful to me when I was freaking out about what would come next.

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Now I want to share this with other people, and also to figure out what this means on the employment front. How we can use this to really help organizations understand the absurdity of a 3-day bereavement leave, how to deal with work that needs to be done by employees on this grief journey.  Because, believe me, grief changes a person.  The employee you saw yesterday is not the same one you’ll see tomorrow.  Nor will the husband or best friend or neighbor or aunt be unchanged by this experience.  As a society, we seem to stop talking about this out loud after the funeral…and even then, it’s in hushed tones.  I’d like to help people get okay with death, to not see it as a failure, to get comfortable with grief, and open up discussions about our spiritual paradigms. Let’s find a way to acknowledge the grief journey.

 

My trip on the path of grief

17 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by in Grief, Sabbatical, Transformation, Uncategorized

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Yesterday I skimmed through my personal journal since Kevin died. I didn’t have time to look back through Facebook posts or Pinterest captures, but that will be coming, as I explore how I have changed, and how my focus on life has changed in the past year+.  So far; I know there is more to come.  One quick observation was that I wrote a LOT more often in the beginning of my grieving season than lately.  And I’m so glad I did.  As I’ve been thinking about “emptying my cup” (see blog last week), I realized that writing in my journal was a way of letting go of all the thoughts I had running around in that zone called the Neutral Zone when one is in the midst of a significant change like this.

He left this earth on November 23 just before midnight.  I cried all of December, and lost 17# (which I have gained back, and then some). I went back to work two weeks later, on December 9, which in retrospect, I see was way too soon.  I should have taken a month or two, just to sleep and let out the tears and handle the paperwork.  I ran away once but came back the same day.  In January, I attacked the house. I started repainted everything, took down Kevin’s dead animals and Redlin hunting prints and related items. It was January 23, two months to the day, that I noted it was the first day I hadn’t cried.  It took me another few months to nearly finish the “reclaiming” of the house, with new appliances and changing out some furniture.  It was July before I had help from my sister Peggy to repair the hole I put in the wall of the guest bedroom…I didn’t punch the wall, I ripped off a shelf back in December.

In February I had one three-day crying streak.  That’s when I sought counseling and group support and an online life coach. (That’s me – all or nothing.)  In March I held a vision board workshop in my dining room, trying to force myself to gather some clarity about the future. Called in sick to work a few times because I wasn’t sleeping and was crying A LOT. I noted that I felt like I was in free-fall.  Looking back, it seems that the shock had worn off and I was beginning to feel my feelings then.  It’s important to know I wasn’t alone during this time. I had company in December for the holidays, January, March, April, and May.  And I went to Minnesota in April for a wedding and to Ohio in May for a siblings/birthday get-together.  My mid-April I was thinking of quitting work, since a request for an adjusted work schedule was not to be.  I cleaned out Kevin’s clothes and put his bike and boat for sale.

In June, people at work complained about me. I had become intolerant of the smallest indiscretions or errors, and first-class bitchy over the big issues. I tried motorcycle therapy but it was no fun and I thought about selling the bike.  I started anti-depressants. The sleep deprivation had caught up to me, and I couldn’t go on crying forever.  I didn’t even like my own company.  Immediate relief! I slept all night long for the first time in months.  I noticed I started writing “about” Kevin instead of “to” him in the journaling. I was now thinking of a leave of absence at work instead of quitting.

In July I spent some time back up in my Diva Den, painting and crafting. I created a Get-a-Life Tree of leisure activities I used to enjoy and made plans to try some of them again.  File_000 (7)I watched complete movies and read entire books instead of just pages.  I continued the updates in the house, and Peggy fixed the hole in the wall.  She came here, and I went to her house also.  In August I was ready for a vacation, and rode my motorcycle again.  I noted I was feeling more like me again.  It was now I started thinking about writing a book on the grieving experience. But for some reason I also started worrying about money, and I thought about moving.  September I met with a realtor about selling the house, but had out of state work trips to Minnesota and Seattle, and made a side trip to Los Angeles, so no time to decide.

Feeling like I was capable of making good decisions again, I gave notice at my job in October, started my blog,  and at the one-year anniversary of Kevin’s passing, I began my personal sabbatical. In December I was finally able to catch up on my sleep and get comfortable being in my house, just me (and the dogs).  I visited the kids for the holidays, and when I returned to Virginia, I knew I was home. I didn’t want to leave any more.  I started reading a book a day,  cooking for myself, and making plans for the coming year. On January 4, I wrote that I was “feeling good, optimistic, interested, and open.”

It was a long way in to the depths of my grieving, but I am clearly well on my way out now. I have the occasional sad moments still, but I can think of other things besides him and us and poor me.  I still tell him about my day, and include him in my prayers, and ask him for advice.  It appears I have survived the worst of it, and yes, I know I’m not totally through the weeds or out of the woods yet. I am still wandering but definitely am not lost.