Dear GM,

Remember when you hadn’t gotten a job yet after we moved here, and I’d come home from my job and ask what you did all day?  Sometimes I’d wonder how you could “just” sit in front of the computer or the TV all day.   I understand now what you must have gone through, now that I’m home all day (well, most of the day, most of the time).  You were always so patient with me, telling me the trivia of your day, and asking about mine.  I took for granted the lawn being mowed or the dogs being cared for or the trash being out at the curb for pickup because you never made a big deal out of that.

I know now that sometimes it’s hard to even get the day going.  For example, I’m out of milk so couldn’t have my usual cold cereal for breakfast.  I hemmed and hawed til I finally decided on oatmeal and yogurt this morning.  I went upstairs to get dressed, only to remember that I had to go back downstairs and get the clean laundry I washed yesterday.  And fold and put it away. And make the beds in the guest rooms with clean sheets.  And remake our bed because the dogs had destroyed it already.

I came down to the office to write this blog post. It was about 10:00 already. It’s taken me almost five hours to get to actually writing it. I decided to “quickly” check Facebook (turns out there is no such thing)  and Linked In.  Since I’ve decided to go gung-ho and start my own speaking business, I then decided I needed to update my profiles. I at least got Linked In done. And played a little with website design ideas. I’m sure you’re just smiling in recognition.

I got up to get a cup of tea, and the dogs thought it must be time to eat again. I must have said “no” a half dozen times, and I finally gave in to the whining and gave them a biscuit. Then I realized they hadn’t been outside in a few hours, so I quickly took them out.

Buddy

This has repeated throughout the day.  I see the grass should be cut, although I just did it last weekend.  I checked the mail and see I have a new Cox bill. I haven’t reconciled the checkbook in a week or more. When I got back in the house,  I ran around and did a pee-scan to make sure the boys hadn’t left a surprise somewhere in the house while I had been ignoring them earlier.

Bo

There isn’t anything here to eat for lunch since I didn’t get groceries this weekend. So I had the last apple. Now I’m thinking I should make a trip to the store, so a list is in the making.

It’s early afternoon, and while I have done at least one productive thing that counts as “work,” I haven’t gotten done anything else on that list of Things To Do.

All of this is the roundabout way of saying, I’m sorry if I ever came across as dismissive of the time you were home and I wasn’t.  I can see now how a million little things get in the way of doing things. How you put up with me is a mystery.  Even when you must been stressed or bored or tired, you always had dinner ready for me (or a plan to go somewhere).  We were so new here, and you probably had no one else to talk to all day, and yet you let me do most of the talking. When I wanted to go to the library, or to a movie, or for a walk, or for a motorcycle ride, you were always willing to set aside your plans (unless it was hunting or fishing you had planned!) and come along with me. Thank you for keeping me company.

It’s more work than I knew to keep a house and yard maintained, and a relationship solvent. You were a quality partner and a best friend.  We had our fights, but you made sure neither of us gave up on the other.  I don’t know if I appreciated everything you did and how hard you worked to keep our lives afloat.  When I get tired and feel like throwing a pity party because no one knows how I feel, I remember that you knew. You carried the load much of the time, even when I didn’t realize it or appreciate it.  You give me strength now, too.  I am so damn lucky to have you in my life. I wanted you to know that. I still love you, but I think I love you better now.

Always and forever, PQ

PS-I still can’t figure out your password to your old computer.  If you get a minute, can you please send me another hint?  The last one didn’t get me very far.  Thanks!

Yes, it’s Monday, and I’m happy about it.  For one thing, my baby sister and her family will be arriving today for spring break.  It’s always a good thing to spend time with them.

And  I had a great weekend.  I got my house cleaned for the coming company.  When the house is clean and uncluttered, I find that my thinking is clean and uncluttered, too.  I spent the rest of day with my friend Diane.  We started with lunch, did a little shopping, and then I learned how to do beading.  I love crafting!  By last night I had three new pair of earrings, two new bracelets, and two “new” necklaces that were restrung and reshaped. A productive weekend resulted in restful sleep.  I actually feel energetic today.

Also making today a great Monday is the weather.  I live in abundance, and today it’s abundant sunshine.  The rest of the week is supposed to get into the high 70’s.  I really like the sound of that, don’t you?

The hot tub guy is here (again) to continue his work to find the leak.  I am optimistic that he will fix the problem and I’ll be soaking away soon.

I did have a nervous moment when I opened the mail and found that my IRA fund has also been leaking.  I have a few funds that are in oil/pipelines, so while I appreciate the lower rates at the gas pump, I am not so happy to see my account balance still heading south. Instead of just worrying, though, I contacted my agent and set up a call to discuss options.  Taking action is always a better option than doing nothing.  I may end up riding out this slide but I will do it by choice, not because I was too lazy to do anything.

It has been way too long since I have looked forward to a Monday.  So adding to my pleasure, I made sure every Monday in my planner is decorated in a sassy, spicy, or sweet way so I smile when I open to that page.

Ah, yes, Thank God It’s Monday!!

My bushes and trees have large buds. The hyacinth and iris are shooting up out of the ground. I wanted a salad for lunch yesterday, and I dipped my toes in the ocean at the beach. I have been cleaning and airing out and reorganizing. Today’s 71 degrees has me smiling.  Yes, I am ready for spring.

Spring is the time for planting.  It is the time for the ground that has been resting or lying fallow to be nourished and prepared to take an obvious part in the life cycle again.  That describes me.  I think the “winter of my despair” is about over, and I am looking forward to blossoming again as the new me.

I was lucky enough to have my cousin Deb from Minnesota visiting over the weekend. We talked about so many things, but one of our conversations that has stayed with me was – drum roll – the weather!  It was unseasonably warm there on Saturday, but today is was hovering near 0, while here it was in the 60’s on Saturday and hit 71 this afternoon.  She said she didn’t want to go back to the frigid prairie today. And I agreed with no hesitation.  She got on the plane anyway.

It wasn’t just the temperature that got me thinking, but that was part of it, I suppose.  I had this sudden knowing that I am where I am meant to be.  More than the sunshine, I want to be here. In this house, in this neighborhood, in this town.  For the past 15 months or so, I have toyed with the idea of moving.  Because I didn’t have a solid reason for leaving, though, I stayed, but I was wide open to leaving.  Until that conversation.  I am home. I am not just comfortable, I belong.

I have no regrets about my past, but I did start my adult life early, with a pregnancy and marriage at age 18.  Until Kevin passed away, I have never lived alone.  Well, there was that year + when he was in Brookings and I was in Pierre, but it was temporary, and he was with me every weekend, so that doesn’t count in my mind.  This is forever, or at least the foreseeable future.  So many things I never tried, or places I never went, or people I didn’t meet, because I had made other choices that had long-term obligations attached to them.  This time, now, is my time.  While I have my health, adequate disposable income, and plenty of time, yes, this is my time to do whatever I want, wherever I want, with whomever I want.  Bloom where you are planted, goes the saying.  I’ve been planted here for some reason, so I’m going to do my blooming now.  Wherever I am, I am keeping a divine appointment, says the Daily Word meditation.  I am here, so it is meant to be.  What a wonderful time spring is! So full of anticipation, of possibility. I intend to bloom happy as a daisy and pretty as a pink button carnation.

I’m getting quite good at attracting what I want. Yesterday at the beach, Deb wanted a conch shell, and so I asked Kevin to put one where we could find it. I told him I wanted it orange-y, about the size of my fist, and unbroken.  Of course, we found one shortly thereafter. Deb was skeptical, so I then asked Kevin to give us a sand dollar, white, about the size of a silver dollar, and unbroken.  Immediately we came across one. And then a second one. Deb said he was showing off, and the second one broke in her hand!  The moral of the story is, I asked and I received.  Today I am asking for continued abundance in my life: abundant love, abundant energy, abundant friends, abundant health, abundant resources of all kinds.  I am soaking up all I need to blossom and grow and thrive  here.I am ready for more; I’m Solowingnow.  Bring it on.

First, I let the truck go, about two months after he had died.  It wasn’t paid for, and it wasn’t registered in my name.  It was big for me, and I had another vehicle – my car – so I didn’t need this…. this reminder of what we fought over from time to time.  When I talked to a friend about it, she said, “Why are you agonizing over this so much?” I told her it was because it meant so much to Kevin.  Her reply stunned me, “Well, you meant a lot to him also. Would he want you to be this upset over it?”  Of course not.  And so I surrended it (read: voluntary repossession) back to the finance company. I still felt bad, at least I did until traded in my cute convertible on a new Highlander, since I realized I did want something to schlep stuff in.

A couple of weeks later, I started in on the house.  I called Habitat Restore to come get his recliner from the family room so I could think about redecorating.  And I got rid of my matching one as well.  They were nice chairs, still relatively new.  But the style was going to have to change when I got rid of the “man cave” look.  My same friend went shopping with me.  I put most of the rest of his things in his closet.  I kind of miss those comfortable, put-your-feet-up chairs.

It took a few more months before I could clean out his closet.  Luckily, we had separate closets so I didn’t have to look at or smell his clothes every day.  I just kept the doors closed.  At the end of May, about six months after Kevin died, my same friend came to help me pack up the clothes.  Everyone needs this kind of friend.  She even took the bags of clothes to the DAV Thrift Store so I wouldn’t procrastinate and drive around with them in my trunk for a few months.  I still have to get through the hunting clothes, the underwear box, the coats, and the motorcycle gear.

In May I consigned his motorcycle for sale. When it was still on the lot in August, I was about to put it back in the garage, and the very same day I made that decision, I got an offer.  So bye-bye.  I cried when I left it at the dealer.  It hurt to see him go out of my life one piece at time.

The boat had also been consigned, and it took from February until September to sell.  I felt bad that he had only had it in the water one time here.  I contemplated taking a water safety course and trying to use it myself, but that was foolishness. I didn’t even like it all that much when he was in charge!  It’s a small fishing boat, and I always felt vulnerable in it on big water.  I was relieved to hand the keys off to someone else.

Today I took another step.  I had dinner at a new restaurant a bout a year ago.  The owner was in the process of changing the theme from tiki bar to a hunter’s grille.  I asked him then if he might be interested in some dead animals (my term of endearment for Kevin’s mounts).  He said yes and gave me his card, but I lost the card. I guess I wasn’t ready yet.  Last week I went back to the restaurant and saw that he had gotten rid of the thatched roofs over the booths and most of the bamboo was gone, but he was sorely lacking in décor.  I again asked him about the taxidermied trophies I had in the closet.  I had given a bear head to my nephew, and I wasn’t ready to part with the Redlin plates yet, but I did have 2 deer, a turkey fan, a goose, and two ducks, and a spare set of antlers.  This morning he came to the house and bought them all.  It wasn’t as if I won the lottery, but I’ll get a few free meals at a good restaurant and maybe a set of new cushions for the chairs on the back deck.

It’s a little over 14 months since he passed on.  And it’s still a tender moment when I let go of one thing or another, even if whatever it is has been sleeping in a closet all this time. Almost all of these things were very much Kevin’s taste and style, not mine. In fact, I remember my dismay when I first met him and he told he was a hunter. I could not believe I was so open to having dead animals in the house.  But I loved him, so therefore, I never minded.  It’s interesting to me…it was not a compromise at all; it was completely acceptable.

I think Kevin would be proud of the care I gave in passing along his things to people who really wanted them, and only when I felt ready.  Especially the dead animals. He called the small deer here “dog deer,” and I know he’ll be beaming to have people admire the nice Dakota-sized deer and the tasteful way the goose and duck were mounted.  This way I also can still visit them when I go have a free hamburger!  I still have the best part of him, though, my memories.

PS. I still have a few things, like a remote controlled mini helicopter, and a set of golf clubs, and a bicycle…among others. If you are interested, let me know.  :o)

I have lived through some memorable storms, so this one isn’t making me nervous. There was the January 1975 blizzard in Minnesota when I was babysitting and got stuck at this house with some wild kids for about 4 days. I was only a junior in high school but managed okay.  Another time my boys and I ended up stranded at a Salvation Army overnight when a storm hit while we were on our way home from my mom’s house.  The driving part was scary, but we managed okay.  Then there was a storm in Pierre when Kevin was still living in Brookings.  I ended up with a snow drift as hard as a brick wall and waist high I had to chop down to get out of my driveway.  I’ve also lived through a “flizzard” that resulted in my house being flooded with 51″ of water.

In each event, I had to figure out my survival strategy and implement it without the benefit of a father/boyfriend/husband, and even without a parent/friend/sibling to help make the major decisions or do some of the heavy lifting.  I would probably rather have had that, but it’s a moot point.

It’s kind of funny.  In Virginia there have been two hurricane threats since I’ve been here – both of which luckily turned out to be non-events. But for the first one, Kevin was in Minnesota retrieving his boat, and last year he was already gone.

I’m destined to face these adversities with Mother Nature on my own, I guess.   And as a practical woman of Midwestern stock, I am quite capable and self-sufficient, thank you.  I have water on hand, candles and matches, extra batteries, bread and peanut butter, and extra toilet paper.  I have blankets and dogs and a gas stove to keep me warm.  I have books to read, other books to color in.  I even have a portable DVD player.  Computers and phone will be charged up, along with back-up batteries.

I am thankful I am not dependent or helpless, and I’m not scared, but this is the kind of time when I do get lonely.  A good old-fashioned snow storm begs for snuggling before a fireplace, drinking hot chocolate, playing Scrabble or Dominoes, and making memories to be shared later.  The me-and-you-against-the-world thing….