Category Archives: Uncategorized

Planes, trains and automobiles

15 Sunday May 2016

Posted by in Gratitude, Uncategorized

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What is it about trains?? I love them. It’s Sunday morning, and I’m traveling to D.C. area for work. Let me count the ways.

  1. As long as you are at the train station before the train leaves, you are on time. No getting there an hour early to check in.
  2. You can buy your ticket on Friday to leave on Sunday, or even Sunday morning, and the price is the same as if you bought it a few weeks earlier.
  3. You can take your cup of coffee or unfinished bottle of water with you on the train.
  4. You can take ALL your stuff with you. As long as you can lift your bag(s). No other weight limits, or size limits, or allowances for how many personal items.
  5. You can buy coffee, cookies, donuts, bagels, pizza, burgers, hot dogs, and a menu of other items if you want, on board.
  6. There are only two seats on either side of the aisle. This means you have adequate room in the seat, plus the aisles are wide enough to walk through facing forward.
  7. No seat belt demonstrations. In fact, no seat belts.
  8. Leg room! There is probably a foot of space yet between my knee and the seat back in front of me.
  9. I can get up any time I want and walk around, even between cars.
  10. The windows are large enough to look out of and get a panoramic view. And no one else can shut you off from the view by pulling the shade down.
  11. 230 people don’t stand up at the same time to get off the train.
  12. There are no zones or special red carpets for boarding. First come, first served.
  13. You are trusted. The ticket guy doesn’t come around until you are already on your way, instead of making you juggle things at the door to get on.
  14. You can throw away your trash when you want.
  15. If you buy something to drink, you get the whole can.
  16. If you decide to change seats, you move. Or you can keep your seat and go sit in the club car to eat or read or talk to others or play a game of cards at a table, or just to move around because you feel like it.
  17. You get to see the real country: the back sides of stores and houses, the part of towns you would miss from the highway or the sky.
  18. You can turn around in the restroom, with space to spare.
  19. No turbulence. Just gentle swaying.
  20. Free wi-fi.
  21. I don’t have to drive. Or park.

I love traveling by train. Do you?

5 things to know about starting your own business.

25 Monday Apr 2016

Posted by in New Biz, Sabbatical, Uncategorized

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My new business is taking off, at least in the way of necessary start-up paperwork, like getting the LLC set up, tax ID, bank account, business cards, domain names, etc. I have spent nearly two full days taking care of the details, and I feel like I’m not spending much time at all where I would prefer to.  Which is why I planned this sabbatical – to learn to slow down, to spend time lost in thought, and to smell the roses.  Trying to not get overwhelmed, which seems too easy for me to do these days.  I used to be such a trooper, a regular Wonder Woman when it came to getting things done. People would describe me as energetic, tenacious, driven, spunky, and exuberant.  Now I’d prefer to be called  balanced, calm, patient, aligned, and happy.  I don’t suppose these are opposite ends of the spectrum, but I’d like for the swinging of the pendulum to be more rhythmic than bouncing.

Here is a list of 5 things I’m reminded of lately relating to this endeavor.

1. Done is better than perfect.

I keep hearing this, from different people, so it must have some kernel of  truth in it.  However, there is a corollary to this, one I learned in Miss Heery’s 10th grade typing class: There is never enough time to do it right, but there’s always enough time to do it over.  It seems to me that taking time now to put the big picture in perspective will save precious time down the road, so I won’t rush through things.

2. You don’t have to know it all, you just have to know where to find it (or who to call).

Okay, but I need to understand what I’m signing and why I’m making the decisions I am.  I am not interested in becoming a marketing guru, for example, but I need to understand the proposed strategy so that I can support it -or at least not get in the way.  There are also things I could do but just don’t want to, so I’d rather pay for those services.  Examples are preparing and filing the LLC and EIN paperwork, and getting other legal documents done right. And bookkeeping. Not that I have any dollars to manage right now, but I sure do want expert tax advice when the dough starts rolling in. Enter an accountant.

3.  There is no substitute for experience. Except preparation.

I am reading, learning, researching, conferring with, and getting myself ready.  I can learn from other people’s mistakes and give myself some early wins.  Lots and lots of preparation going on here, to give my experience some shine.

4.  Don’t get too good at something you don’t want to do.

Way back in the day, I was a legal secretary and paralegal. I since climbed that old ladder of success all the way to the top, before I got on another ladder. Now I’m on my third ladder, which is just a little bit wobbly yet. Today I had my first inquiry from a random person on Linked In, asking me about doing some temp work for a few weeks. Interesting! As a legal secretary.  It was good work back then, but not only am I not available, I’m not interested now.  I have to practice saying No.  I have to keep myself available for the work I do want to do.

5.  There are more than five things to know about starting your own business!

But they don’t all have to be known, or done, at once.  The advice I’m getting is: start simple, get complicated later.  A related axiom: You can have it all;  you just can’t have it all at once.  This is where good organizational and time management skills come into serious play.  I’m so glad I returned to my Day-Timer planner system.  Not only can I read everything because it’s on 5×8 paper instead of a 2×4 screen, but I can keep reminders and notes and stickies and flip back and forth to compare dates or … blah-blah-blah.

The energy created by working on this, something will be not just mine but reflective of me, is giving me quite a buzz.  Time flies by, and I’m not tired even when the clock approaches that witching hour.  I get up when the birds start singing and rarely does that seem too early.  It proves that I have done a fine job on this sabbatical of recovering from my exhaustion and restoring my energy. It also goes to show that engaging in a  labor of love generates much more satisfaction than fighting disharmony. The only thing that would make it even better right now is to have someone to share this with, someone I could bounce ideas around with, someone to give me insights, to smile and tell me I’m on the right path and that it will all be okay, and mostly, that he’s got my back.  That would make a huge difference.  And so I’ve named my new business The Duggan Difference.

Bus card

Front and back of new business card

A Friend’s Loss

07 Thursday Apr 2016

Posted by in Grief, Uncategorized

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Today was the funeral for the father of a very good friend of mine.  He fell last week, and there was a quick decline in his condition; he died the next day.  All the planning that goes along with such an event, notifying family and waiting for them to arrive, making decisions, not sleeping, lots of crying…it is all so familiar to me still.  Yet, I do not know what to say to her.  My own father died a little over two years ago, and of course my husband 16 months ago.  You’d think I’d be able to come up with something besides “I’m sorry.”  I offered prayers, asked about how her Mom was doing, and said “I know it’s hard.”  It feels so inadequate.  And I couldn’t be there either; she’s (or I am) a thousand miles away. After everyone goes home, though, that’s when she’ll need to talk about it, I think. I’m planning a trip up her way in June, so will make it a definite stop on the way.

We’re at that age when we are losing parents now.  Or that’s what we expect to happen.  Grandparents leave us first, followed by  aunts and uncles and our own parents, then maybe a friend here or there and older cousins.  We say that if we’re lucky, then we go next, before the spouse, before the kids, and definitely before any grandbabies. And it’s all very sad and numbing in the moment.  But I know people who have suffered the loss of a toddler, or a son whose time was up way too soon, or like me, a spouse in his prime.  It never gets easier, never gets routine, never seems like the right thing. Death seems to raise more questions than it answers. Most of them start with Why?

Yet, we all know that the natural order is birth, life, death.  It can be no other way. There is no guarantee of how long we have, whether our time here will be rags or riches, if we’ll have a legacy to leave behind or not.  So we wonder what the point of it all is.  And try to make sense any way we can, so we can go on until the next time.

Having wandered through this territory recently, I hoped I would have something profound and meaningful to say to my friend…and to others who are still hurting years after their losses.  There are no magic words, though. There is no spoonful of sugar that can make this medicine taste better.  There is no one book that gives directions on how to get through this time quickly or painlessly, or “right.”

The amazing thing about grief is how differently it is experienced by everyone. My father was not her father, and our relationships with those men were different, and we are different, and the rest of our families are made up differently, and on and on and on. But we are two women who both have lost our fathers.  I only met hers maybe once or twice in all the years she and I have known each other. I’m still sad because I know the uncertainty that accompanies us as we wander in the “lost” zone, being in limbo, waiting for it all to be over…which it never really is. We learn to adjust.  And as we start tinkering with the various aspects of what needs adjusting and how we go about that, we reflect on the past and guess at the future; stay connected if we can and at the same time find new connections; discover new options and decide on new directions; all adapting as make it from one hour to the next, one day to the next, one whatever to the next whatever.

My condolences go to the Schmitt and Reller families.  I’ll be remembering all of you in my prayers.

Focus Group/advisors

24 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by in Grief, Sabbatical, Transformation, Uncategorized

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File_001 (6) I am excited to host my first focus group this afternoon.  I have invited several of my neighbors, all of whom are now retired, in to give me some advice, identify local resources, and help hold me accountable for going “official” and starting a business.  I want to combine my grief experience and my work history, along with the personal sabbatical, to help others who are facing challenges in their lives.  Significant, difficult or emotional life events have implications at home and at work, and in how we deal with the rest of the world.  I want people to be able to do more than just survive their contact with whatever enemy they are facing; wouldn’t it be great to know – really know in your heart – that will be okay, that you may even thrive as you get stronger again.

The world of work often talks about Succession Planning. In fact, I have researched it and been published and spoken at conferences about this subject.  What isn’t talked about is how we prepare for succeeding with both our personal and professional lives when we are dealt a significant life event, how as supervisors or employers we manage an employee who is going through a significant life event, what kind of contingency plans are helpful, and how we keep on keeping on in the midst of it all.  And for the record, death isn’t the only significant life event we encounter: a baby can be born prematurely, a car accident disables someone, a cancer diagnosis, a fall down the steps, a child’s experimentation with drugs, a financial setback…and many other things not as “big” but still significant grievable events that can (and do)  alter the landscape.

Many people like to refer to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ work on the 5 Stages of Grief when we are dealing with grief.  Those are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. What isn’t as well known is that her work was intended to address the stages of dying, not death.  Subsequent research has offered a better explanation of the many stages of grieving any major event.I found this from the East Kootenay Lutheran Parish in Canada.  It was my experience, and much more helpful to me when I was freaking out about what would come next.

File_000 (10)

Now I want to share this with other people, and also to figure out what this means on the employment front. How we can use this to really help organizations understand the absurdity of a 3-day bereavement leave, how to deal with work that needs to be done by employees on this grief journey.  Because, believe me, grief changes a person.  The employee you saw yesterday is not the same one you’ll see tomorrow.  Nor will the husband or best friend or neighbor or aunt be unchanged by this experience.  As a society, we seem to stop talking about this out loud after the funeral…and even then, it’s in hushed tones.  I’d like to help people get okay with death, to not see it as a failure, to get comfortable with grief, and open up discussions about our spiritual paradigms. Let’s find a way to acknowledge the grief journey.

 

A Love Letter (on better loving)

21 Monday Mar 2016

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Dear GM,

Remember when you hadn’t gotten a job yet after we moved here, and I’d come home from my job and ask what you did all day?  Sometimes I’d wonder how you could “just” sit track record for bad daysin front of the computer or the TV all day.   I understand now what you must have gone through, now that I’m home all day (well, most of the day, most of the time).  You were always so patient with me, telling me the trivia of your day, and asking about mine.  I took for granted the lawn being mowed or the dogs being cared for or the trash being out at the curb for pickup because you never made a big deal out of that.

I know now that sometimes it’s hard to even get the day going.  For example, I’m out of milk so couldn’t have my usual cold cereal for breakfast.  I hemmed and hawed til I finally decided on oatmeal and yogurt this morning.  I went upstairs to get dressed, only to remember that I had to go back downstairs and get the clean laundry I washed yesterday.  And fold and put it away. And make the beds in the guest rooms with clean sheets.  And remake our bed because the dogs had destroyed it already.

 

 

I came down to the office to write this blog post. It was about 10:00 already. It’s taken me almost five hours to get to actually writing it. I decided to “quickly” check Facebook (turns out there is no such thing)  and Linked In.  Since I’ve decided to go gung-ho and start my own speaking business, I then decided I needed to update my profiles. I at least got Linked In done. And played a little with website design ideas. I’m sure you’re just smiling in recognition.

I got up to get a cup of tea, and the dogs thought it must be time to eat again. I must have said “no” a half dozen times, and I finally gave in to the whining and gave them a biscuit. Then I realized they hadn’t been outside in a few hours, so I quickly took them out.

PICT0002

Buddy

This has repeated throughout the day.  I see the grass should be cut, although I just did it last weekend.  I checked the mail and see I have a new Cox bill. I haven’t reconciled the checkbook in a week or more. When I got back in the house,  I ran around and did a pee-scan to make sure the boys hadn’t left a surprise somewhere in the house while I had been ignoring them earlier.

PICT0001

Bo

 

There isn’t anything here to eat for lunch since I didn’t get groceries this weekend. So I had the last apple. Now I’m thinking I should make a trip to the store, so a list is in the making.

It’s early afternoon, and while I have done at least one productive thing that counts as “work,” I haven’t gotten done anything else on that list of Things To Do.

All of this is the roundabout way of saying, I’m sorry if I ever came across as dismissive of the time you were home and I wasn’t.  I can see now how a million little things get in the way of doing things. How you put up with me is a mystery.  Even when you must been stressed or bored or tired, you always had dinner ready for me (or a plan to go somewhere).  We were so new here, and you probably had no one else to talk to all day, and yet you let me do most of the talking. When I wanted to go to the library, or to a movie, or for a walk, or for a motorcycle ride, you were always willing to set aside your plans (unless it was hunting or fishing you had planned!) and come along with me. Thank you for keeping me company.

It’s more work than I knew to keep a house and yard maintained, and a relationship solvent. You were a quality partner and a best friend.  We had our fights, but you made sure neither of us gave up on the other.  I don’t know if I appreciated everything you did and how hard you worked to keep our lives afloat.  When I get tired and feel like throwing a Pat pics thru yrs0009pity party because no one knows how I feel, I remember that you knew. You carried the load much of the time, even when I didn’t realize it or appreciate it.  You give me strength now, too.  I am so damn lucky to have you in my life. I wanted you to know that. I still love you, but I think I love you better now.

 

Always and forever, PQ

PS-I still can’t figure out your password to your old computer.  If you get a minute, can you please send me another hint?  The last one didn’t get me very far.  Thanks!

My trip on the path of grief

17 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by in Grief, Sabbatical, Transformation, Uncategorized

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Yesterday I skimmed through my personal journal since Kevin died. I didn’t have time to look back through Facebook posts or Pinterest captures, but that will be coming, as I explore how I have changed, and how my focus on life has changed in the past year+.  So far; I know there is more to come.  One quick observation was that I wrote a LOT more often in the beginning of my grieving season than lately.  And I’m so glad I did.  As I’ve been thinking about “emptying my cup” (see blog last week), I realized that writing in my journal was a way of letting go of all the thoughts I had running around in that zone called the Neutral Zone when one is in the midst of a significant change like this.

He left this earth on November 23 just before midnight.  I cried all of December, and lost 17# (which I have gained back, and then some). I went back to work two weeks later, on December 9, which in retrospect, I see was way too soon.  I should have taken a month or two, just to sleep and let out the tears and handle the paperwork.  I ran away once but came back the same day.  In January, I attacked the house. I started repainted everything, took down Kevin’s dead animals and Redlin hunting prints and related items. It was January 23, two months to the day, that I noted it was the first day I hadn’t cried.  It took me another few months to nearly finish the “reclaiming” of the house, with new appliances and changing out some furniture.  It was July before I had help from my sister Peggy to repair the hole I put in the wall of the guest bedroom…I didn’t punch the wall, I ripped off a shelf back in December.

In February I had one three-day crying streak.  That’s when I sought counseling and group support and an online life coach. (That’s me – all or nothing.)  In March I held a vision board workshop in my dining room, trying to force myself to gather some clarity about the future. Called in sick to work a few times because I wasn’t sleeping and was crying A LOT. I noted that I felt like I was in free-fall.  Looking back, it seems that the shock had worn off and I was beginning to feel my feelings then.  It’s important to know I wasn’t alone during this time. I had company in December for the holidays, January, March, April, and May.  And I went to Minnesota in April for a wedding and to Ohio in May for a siblings/birthday get-together.  My mid-April I was thinking of quitting work, since a request for an adjusted work schedule was not to be.  I cleaned out Kevin’s clothes and put his bike and boat for sale.

In June, people at work complained about me. I had become intolerant of the smallest indiscretions or errors, and first-class bitchy over the big issues. I tried motorcycle therapy but it was no fun and I thought about selling the bike.  I started anti-depressants. The sleep deprivation had caught up to me, and I couldn’t go on crying forever.  I didn’t even like my own company.  Immediate relief! I slept all night long for the first time in months.  I noticed I started writing “about” Kevin instead of “to” him in the journaling. I was now thinking of a leave of absence at work instead of quitting.

In July I spent some time back up in my Diva Den, painting and crafting. I created a Get-a-Life Tree of leisure activities I used to enjoy and made plans to try some of them again.  File_000 (7)I watched complete movies and read entire books instead of just pages.  I continued the updates in the house, and Peggy fixed the hole in the wall.  She came here, and I went to her house also.  In August I was ready for a vacation, and rode my motorcycle again.  I noted I was feeling more like me again.  It was now I started thinking about writing a book on the grieving experience. But for some reason I also started worrying about money, and I thought about moving.  September I met with a realtor about selling the house, but had out of state work trips to Minnesota and Seattle, and made a side trip to Los Angeles, so no time to decide.

Feeling like I was capable of making good decisions again, I gave notice at my job in October, started my blog,  and at the one-year anniversary of Kevin’s passing, I began my personal sabbatical. In December I was finally able to catch up on my sleep and get comfortable being in my house, just me (and the dogs).  I visited the kids for the holidays, and when I returned to Virginia, I knew I was home. I didn’t want to leave any more.  I started reading a book a day,  cooking for myself, and making plans for the coming year. On January 4, I wrote that I was “feeling good, optimistic, interested, and open.”

It was a long way in to the depths of my grieving, but I am clearly well on my way out now. I have the occasional sad moments still, but I can think of other things besides him and us and poor me.  I still tell him about my day, and include him in my prayers, and ask him for advice.  It appears I have survived the worst of it, and yes, I know I’m not totally through the weeds or out of the woods yet. I am still wandering but definitely am not lost.

TGIM!!

07 Monday Mar 2016

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Yes, it’s Monday, and I’m happy about it.  For one thing, my baby sister and her family will be arriving today for spring break.  It’s always a good thing to spend time with them.

And  I had a great weekend.  I got my house cleaned for the coming company.  When the house is clean and uncluttered, I find that my thinking is clean and uncluttered, too.  I spent the rest of day with my friend Diane.  We started with lunch, did a little shopping, and then I learned how to do beading.  I love crafting!  By last night I had three new pair of earrings, two new bracelets, and two “new” necklaces that were restrung and reshaped. A productive weekend resulted in restful sleep.  I actually feel energetic today.

Also making today a great Monday is the weather.  I live in abundance, and today it’s abundant sunshine.  The rest of the week is supposed to get into the high 70’s.  I really like the sound of that, don’t you?

The hot tub guy is here (again) to continue his work to find the leak.  I am optimistic that he will fix the problem and I’ll be soaking away soon.

I did have a nervous moment when I opened the mail and found that my IRA fund has also been leaking.  I have a few funds that are in oil/pipelines, so while I appreciate the lower rates at the gas pump, I am not so happy to see my account balance still heading south. Instead of just worrying, though, I contacted my agent and set up a call to discuss options.  Taking action is always a better option than doing nothing.  I may end up riding out this slide but I will do it by choice, not because I was too lazy to do anything.

It has been way too long since I have looked forward to a Monday.  So adding to my pleasure, I made sure every Monday in my planner is decorated in a sassy, spicy, or sweet way so I smile when I open to that page.

Ah, yes, Thank God It’s Monday!!

Spring has sprung!

29 Monday Feb 2016

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My bushes and trees have large buds. The hyacinth and iris are shooting up out of the ground. I wanted a salad for lunch yesterday, and I dipped my toes in the ocean at the beach. I have been cleaning and airing out and reorganizing. Today’s 71 degrees has me smiling.  Yes, I am ready for spring.

Spring is the time for planting.  It is the time for the ground that has been resting or lying fallow to be nourished and prepared to take an obvious part in the life cycle again.  That describes me.  I think the “winter of my despair” is about over, and I am looking forward to blossoming again as the new me.

I was lucky enough to have my cousin Deb from Minnesota visiting over the weekend. We talked about so many things, but one of our conversations that has stayed with me was – drum roll – the weather!  It was unseasonably warm there on Saturday, but today is was hovering near 0, while here it was in the 60’s on Saturday and hit 71 this afternoon.  She said she didn’t want to go back to the frigid prairie today. And I agreed with no hesitation.  She got on the plane anyway.

It wasn’t just the temperature that got me thinking, but that was part of it, I suppose.  I had this sudden knowing that I am where I am meant to be.  More than the sunshine, I want to be here. In this house, in this neighborhood, in this town.  For the past 15 months or so, I have toyed with the idea of moving.  Because I didn’t have a solid reason for leaving, though, I stayed, but I was wide open to leaving.  Until that conversation.  I am home. I am not just comfortable, I belong.

I have no regrets about my past, but I did start my adult life early, with a pregnancy and marriage at age 18.  Until Kevin passed away, I have never lived alone.  Well, there was that year + when he was in Brookings and I was in Pierre, but it was temporary, and he was with me every weekend, so that doesn’t count in my mind.  This is forever, or at least the foreseeable future.  So many things I never tried, or places I never went, or people I didn’t meet, because I had made other choices that had long-term obligations attached to them.  This time, now, is my time.  While I have my health, adequate disposable income, and plenty of time, yes, this is my time to do whatever I want, wherever I want, with whomever I want.  Bloom where you are planted, goes the saying.  I’ve been planted here for some reason, so I’m going to do my blooming now.  Wherever I am, I am keeping a divine appointment, says the Daily Word meditation.  I am here, so it is meant to be.  What a wonderful time spring is! So full of anticipation, of possibility. I intend to bloom happy as a daisy and pretty as a pink button carnation.

I’m getting quite good at attracting what I want. Yesterday at the beach, Deb wanted a conch shell, and so I asked Kevin to put one where we could find it. I told him I wanted it orange-y, about the size of my fist, and unbroken.  Of course, we found one shortly thereafter. Deb was skeptical, so I then asked Kevin to give us a sand dollar, white, about the size of a silver dollar, and unbroken.  Immediately we came across one. And then a second one. Deb said he was showing off, and the second one broke in her hand!  The moral of the story is, I asked and I received.  Today I am asking for continued abundance in my life: abundant love, abundant energy, abundant friends, abundant health, abundant resources of all kinds.  I am soaking up all I need to blossom and grow and thrive  here.I am ready for more; I’m Solowingnow.  Bring it on.

Spring Cleaning

22 Monday Feb 2016

Posted by in Grief, Traditions, Uncategorized

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I am excited to have a stream of company visiting in the next several weeks.  My cousin Debbie arrives this week Friday, my sister Diane and her family will be here the following weekend, and at the end of March, my friend Diane’s aunt and uncle will be staying here while they attend a family get-together so large Diane can’t house them all at her place.  I love having company and am looking forward to the flurries of activity.

For me, having guests means I have to do an extra cleaning routine, like dusting where I usually let the dust bunnies sleep in peace. But it’s spring time so I took advantage of the nice weather over the weekend to open the windows for a while and get some fresh air in the house. As it happens, last week at Toastmasters, my new friend Roxanne gave a speech on decluttering.  She emphasized how that process not only clears the physical space around us, but it has the added benefit of clearing out mental space as well.  She recommended a book called The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, which I haven’t ordered yet. However, I was motivated to get rid of the last two boxes of stuff I brought home my work office when I started this sabbatical last November.

The only way I could make room for the papers in these two boxes was to get rid of other stuff.  So I off-loaded an old computer printer and an equally ancient (2008?) laptop computer that Kevin does use anymore (ha ha).  And then I was fortunate to have a neighbor and kindred spirit of my hunter-fisherman husband come and relieve me of a large box of what a woman might call “excess accessories” and a hunter would call “necessary equipment.”  He’s also going to check out the options for a new home for some goose decoys and several fishing rods and tackle.

My thought is that I can help other hunters and fisher-people by providing equipment they might make use of and I no longer have need for.  Among the stages of grief, helping others is often recommended as an adjustment  step toward final acceptance of the loss and moving on in one’s life.  As I  let go of Kevin’s possessions, I have remembered how surprised I was when my stepmother still had not gone through my dad’s things nearly a year after his passing. At the time, I wasn’t sure what to think. Was she still in shock? Certainly she seemed disorganized and stuck, at a minimum.  Ah, if only I knew then what I know now! I had little enough compassion then, didn’t understand what she was going through.  I have since talked to her and apologized for my lack of understanding and what was no doubt some judging of her on my part. I’m happy to report she has forgiven me.

Many days fly by, and some drag on endlessly.  I take two steps forward and then one step back, and while it can be a struggle, that’s still forward progress.  I think most of my slide down the slippery slope of grief is over.  I haven’t had any emotional outbursts in quite a while; and even the occasional teariness is abating.  I am actively working on getting reorganized, engaging in more activities, and strengthening my relationships here.  A few new patterns related to a working style are emerging, and I am mostly optimistic about my future again.  Sounds like a healthy recovery, don’t you agree?

My mom was from that generation where Spring Cleaning (yes, with Capital Letters) and Fall Cleaning were traditions.  She, too, has joined the Angels Above, and I know she was telling her friends she taught me everything I know about bathroom floors yesterday.  I know this because I found a penny on the floor behind the commode in the guest bathroom (which I don’t use).  She always sends me pennies from heaven. Thanks, Mom.  And yes, it’s nice to have a shiny clean house.  At least until I let the dogs loose again. And if I don’t have any company later this year, I might forego the Fall event. I gotta tell you, I’m tired!

Solowingnow

15 Monday Feb 2016

Posted by in Grief, Sabbatical, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Just about five years ago (4/20/11), I engaged in an exercise recommended in a book titled Aspire by Kevin Hall.  I asked my friends and family to send me one word they would use to describe me.  The intent is to “discover your purpose through the power of words.” No “purpose” was revealed to me, or at least I didn’t find it.

This is that list. I keep it on my desk and look at it regularly.  Usually I’d guess that people would stop seeing this kind of thing after so long, but it struck a chord with me. I use it as a reminder of who I am, or was, or at least who people think I am.  File_000 (1)Perception has a way of becoming reality, and I’m grateful the words are positive.  Even though I’m on a personal sabbatical now to examine my life and prepare for The Next Big Thing, I sometimes feel as if I’m trying too hard to force the issue and have some answers.  You’ll note the word “patient” is not on this list!

 

I know different people now and my life has changed significantly since then.  I wonder what people would say today.  But I’m not going to ask….yet. I have to make sure I’m strong enough to hear whatever they have to say.

 

Here are a few words I would use to describe myself today: insecure, unclear, observant, inquisitive, responsible, careful, deliberate, impatient.

This is why I called this site Solowingnow – being on my own. powered by own wings, not yet adopting the term widow but not feeling single, trying to focus on the present moment, when things run together sometimes and get jumbled up.